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When you can do nothing else...

 Pressure test your ideas with the thinking machines. Summary - narrative is king. Repeatedly. Demonstrably. Over and over. Particularly relevant in a post truth world. If you know this. You can do something with this. This is not the same as propaganda. It is to propaganda, what a sledgehammer painted in neon hot pink with an akward grip is to a fine chisel that sits effortlessly in your hand. You can lever the world with a bit of long term narrative building that bypasses self identity defences. No one is doing this. Governments  can't  do this. Everyone else is herding cats. The world as a whole is  structurally rudderless. And without stating it - desperate for meaning which it finds by stampeding after the latest viral hit. But there is no substance there.   Anyway. Talking to myself in a mirror again in 3,2,1.... ( and all of this really from the many years long itch I have to write something cool but also underhand thoughtful. sci fi. basically. but with...
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Dec 24

 Right on the edge of Christmas day. My brother and sister in law have departed for their Xmas few days away as they often do this time of year. I am in the house on my own. Today has been difficult. I got up this morning to make sure I caught my brother before he left. But I was zonked out. I did my best. Slowly. Saw them off. And then went back to bed. And the exhaustion has gnawed on me. I woke up late afternoon. Not good. My brother had said my nephew had been asking if I had arrived yet. So. I wanted to go to my sisters and show my face and say hi and all that kind of thing. Which I did. At a hell of a cost. It's good when I don't have to put on any masks - in a house on my own. I don't have to expend energy stifling the screeches and moans and horribleness. Dragged myself out. Had a nice chat for few hours. Then immediately went back to bed. Still exhausted. This blog. I have realised more strongly today again. Is. Something of a safe space for me. I can say things in...
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Dec 24 AM

 The car behaved itself. I behaved myself. The journey went without incident, and after wobbly legs and having to stop for a sit down between packing chores, I maintained my stability. I crashed late in the evening, but, it was no big deal by that point. Interestingly - again that weird fucky dysautonomia - after I had laid down in the "recovery position" for 45 minutes, my crash eased off. I am grateful for the relative grace period I have received. Very. Grateful. It has allowed me to "mask up" and pretend to be borderline human. If you don't look too closely. Or spend much time with me. This evening we talked about therapy. And childhood. And things. And a bunch of difficult stuff was dragged out.  Mostly  for the benefit of my sister in law who really wanted to know. But I was careful of my brother. But. He was ok. So that was a thing. I didn't intend to go there. But. It just happened that way. I also shared at the end of it that a good part of me was d...
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Dec 23

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 I am awake. With a tiny slither of energy. So. Better than previous days. This bodes slightly fortuitous for a day in which I have to get some shit together and travel south. Hopefully the car holds up. Otherwise that's going to be a painful super energy burning ride. I don't quite have the energy to move around like a normal person and get myself ready however. I have enough energy to sit up, not be crashed out asleep, and nurse a cup of tea. My first tea in... weeks. We shall see how the old dysautonomia CFS nausea monster feels about a tea. I am going to let myself very very slowly come up to temperature. And hopefully. As the hours roll by I will get a little more stability to get up, potter around, pack a bag, and pour myself into a car.  From high reflection. It is interesting. And awful. How life changes when you can no longer take ordinary shit for granted. Like. Packing a bag. Part of me is absolutely disgusted by it all. The shrink would call this my brutal inner cr...
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Dec 23 AM

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 A tiny bit of energy in the wee hours of the morning. So what do ? Of course I run off down a pointless mental exercise.  Although. I do think this nails my paradoxical existence. On the one hand I still have lots of things in my head I can do. More than ever. So many things. So many projects. And I want to believe that I have the energy to do it - or if you want to be more brutal, I am continually in denial that I can't and refuse to accept reality. And on the other hand. Most of my existence is crash outs and running along the edge of just ending it all. On the surface, maybe that seems weird. From possibilities. To ending it all. But. I don't think it is. I think it's exactly that struggle. The wanting to do shit. The inability to do shit. The mental scream that I am held back.  And  all the health shit on top of it making me feel terrible. I think. I stand at a horrible intersection here. I can see patterns on patterns. I can see a landscape of how they all fit ...
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