Bork Slowly Borking

 The therapist called me defeated this week. Or rather. That I seemed defeated. We went through me being quiet. What that meant. What that felt like. The changes in behaviour. And finally. If I didn't know better. It felt like an end of things. I sounded defeated apparently. The session ended with the hardest stare any mental health professional has ever given me. And. I've had some stares. I've had to my face deliberations about whether to throw me in the nut house. This stare was longer than any of those. We went 5 minutes over time. That was the length of the stare. We finished on time. We didn't actually finish until 5 minutes later. I laughed half way through it. You find it funny the therapist said. There is a humour in the meta of it I said. I can see the cogs turning over in your head. I can see the pattern of it all. It is like looking at it from afar, and seeing the tiny people on stage, predictable, acting out each thought process. And. It's funny. It...

 I have been quiet. Am quiet. I do not know what's going on. I am disconnected. But not disassociating. Anxiety et al has dropped away. To. Nothing ? A numbness ? I don't know. Nothing particularly engages. I noodle around in a game. A simple loop. Do a thing. Get a thing. Simple world. Simple rewards. Simple tasks. I don't know. If I were to take a shitty guess. And it is a shitty guess. I would say. It is some odd combination. Of. Fatigue. And overload. Of giving up. Of the entire parliament of debate and exploration and everything just falling silent. Program complete. Outlook understood. But. I haven't fallen into some self destructive removal. A lot of my cognitive functions have just... packed up. And gone away. Leaving. The caretaker in charge ? Simple sweeping. Up and down the halls. Without a sense of not being challenged, bored, too simplistic. Just. Low level zen. But it isn't a comfortable quiet either. It's not some end point at peace with the world...

 Struggling health wise. Perhaps I have been overdoing it with my extra hours. Or perhaps this is just bottoming out. Or perhaps its part of finding a new normal. Whatever it is. The flu like malaise comes and goes. Head spaces out. Lost my hearing again - this time on the left side. It has returned after a day. And the twitches are massively up. I don't often talk about the twitches. Typically worse when I am resting or dozing off. Sudden jerking muscle spasms. Which. I absolutely cannot recreate consciously. Not even close. They are unnaturally "violent". Ho hum. Neuro, nerve type issues probably given their unnatural amplitude. Rats gnawing on the wiring. Mood has slumped hardcore. Work is giving me massive anxiety. The physiological switch has come back on. It sits in the pit of my stomach. Andy has been low key pressuring to get a job done. This week for the 100th time yet another issue popped up with it because of the non existent spec, non existent understanding. T...

 I have done fuck all work this week, despite some of it becoming increasingly pressing. Instead I find myself listening to the rise and fall of my well being. Thoughts of work pushed to the side. After me strongly recommending to Andy that we get some AI coding going, an AI suite has been rolled out to the developers. It's clear this is for some of them their first experience with AI coding. It aced a task one of the coders had to do. Start to finish. Done. Nothing for the fleshbag to do. I think it's going to destroy the programming side of the industry. And as is often the case. IT ends up being the canary in the cage. So it goes with IT. So it ends up with the rest of society. All knowledge based intellectual work is going to evaporate. From lawyers to project managers. From writers to programmers. It's just a matter of time. And not much time at that. It's going to upset a large chunk of economic stability. But I don't think there will be a nice neat transition...

 The physiological anxiety switch has turned off. It no longer feels like someone is about to murder me. A little quiet has crept into the space that it occupied. The nausea has been largely behaving itself, the dizzy balance and hearing is behaving itself, so two big anxiety inducers gone. And the malaise has mostly been behaving itself - within acceptable operating boundaries at least. Sunday end of the weekend, my head inflated again after having a better day on Saturday. I think this is a combination of the mental meds and the sky high blood pressure. It meant that I was unable to do shit on Sunday except sit and nurse myself. Which. To be honest. Is really my only goal for most days - just sit, and do my best with the bullshit. It did mean I was unable to attempt a little tidying ready for the heating engineer on Monday. I figured, as the hydration routine was now giving me some capability in mornings, that I would do the previously impossible thing of scheduling in some tidyi...

 Today is the first day my head hasn't felt like being in a diving bell at 10 atmospheres of pressure. I am guessing this means the blood pressure has come down a notch. Having just checked. Wrong. Blood pressure is  worse  today. 155/104. Yikers. Oddly today I have had no hydration salts however. So. Uh huh. Thinking about it, it's probably something to do with the huge amount of pain I've got going on. Such things tend to bump bp dramatically. I just do a ... reasonably good number... in dealing with it. Today has also been a busy day. Busy for me anyway. I dragged myself out to turn up at Matt's memorial - which I didn't think I'd make. The universe was set against me. I slept late in my dozey CFS state, my fault. But then couldn't find my wallet. Losing things like this is a killer sentence for me - I very quickly burn out of energy looking for something and then have to take a long break. If I need to be anywhere, it's basically game over. On the ed...