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Jan 27 PM

 Rough day today. Perhaps it was the fucky sleep. Perhaps it was the morning crash. Then the afternoon crash. Then the evening crash. Today has been a very low ebb day where I have felt particularly ill all day. Just. The malaise dialled up high. Today is the first day in a week or so where I have struggled in the morning. But all round today was hard. Having come off a real dip in mentalry last morning, today, perhaps unsurprisingly, the mentals have wobbled hard. I have dipped in and out of hopelessness. It is hard. When curled up in a ball feeling nauseous for the umpteeth time. To feel hopeful. I have wobbled. Hard. At times that ending it all feeling has been close and real. Not in a dramatic way. Just a practical way. Are we there yet buddy. I think we might be there. No one would blame you. And it would be a relief. I stood in the kitchen today. Barely able to stick a small ready meal in the microwave. So fucking far down the capability slope. It's. I don't know how to e...
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Jan 27

 4AM. Sometimes. Around about here. Just a little earlier. Is the very worst bit of being alive. It is the 3AM portal to hell. Or more popularly the "3AM vortex" in psychological terms. No. I am not making it up. But it's not  just  a psychological thing. It's a combination of things. It is - typically - a low ebb in the rhythms of your body. The point of lowest blood pressure. The point of lowest cortisol. The point where your heart has its most variable patterns. Where your sympathetic system is lowest. Your immune system dips the lowest. Your body temperature cools to its lowest point. In real terms this time of night correlates with a  bump  in the general populous of death. And incidents. And a peak of suicidal ideation. Most suicides happen around this time. You might even say, for me, particularly, uniquely, it is my absolute nemesis point. Because a lot of the things that are not working in me, are working least well of all at around that 3am point. A wh...
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Probable diagnosis + CFS Autonomic sources for me

 This is the meta state of Everything. The explanation, diagnosis and sources of why I am like I am.   I’ll give you a clear, bounded, clinician-grade headline summary , with explicit uncertainty where it belongs. This is not a definitive diagnosis — it’s the most coherent explanatory model that fits all the data you’ve shared across conversations, without special pleading. I’ll separate what I’m confident about , what is very likely , and what remains open . Headline summary (plain English first) Your illness is best explained as a chronic, post-trigger autonomic regulation disorder with hypovolemia, venous pooling, and gut–brain axis instability — currently labelled clinically as CFS/ME, but mechanistically closer to dysautonomia with functional GI involvement. In other words: CFS is the label . Autonomic mis-regulation is the engine . The most likely core diagnosis (mechanistic) Primary process Chronic autonomic nervous system dysregulation , characterised by: Low effec...
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Jan 24

 Hmm. Today I was doing ok... until I wasn't. Fairly stable wake up routine. Hydrated. No food. Still stable through to midday. Started playing games, still no food - needed to eat. Ordered a sandwich + salad + drink. Bigger portion than I  typically  eat these days - I tend to eat very small most of the time. I was fine, playing a game, about an hour after eating. I could feel myself slow down. And nausea uptick. I ignored it, and powered on through. It steadily got worse. And hour and a half after eating - 4.30pm - I threw in the towel. Made my apologies. Declared I needed a "nap". Not really. What I needed was I knew a complete stabilisation thing. Recovery position. Slow it all down. No energy exertion - not even game playing. Did that. Things went from bad to worse. Big nausea uptick. Blood withdrew to my core, hands and feet frozen. Felt super ill. I "accidentally" clenched my right arm - about 5 seconds later this made me feel even more ill. Realised I wa...
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Jan 23 5PM

Image
 Stable. And now into the "evening straight". Food did not trigger a backslide. Grilled chicken, mash tatties, carrots peas. Not that I made it.  So it seems todays rough spot was limited. Not good. But shorter than the day before. Better wake up. Quicker energy. Eh. Meh. Hmm. Maybe the hydration stuff is kicking in pattern wise and I'm getting to a different stability pattern. Or. Could all just be bullshit. I do feel considerably better - and its still fairly early. I have been so much worse than this at this point of the day. Really. I have noodled a little with code whilst I rest. I am not overdoing it. Not burning. Light stuff. My heart is not super into it today. Today I put little cubes into the world. I could have gone in many different directions here. Main tugs are towards a prettier sky system. Replace the voxels with smooth terrain. But. Cube dudes it is. Still no meshes, no shaders, nada. That's all "chrome" to be honest. Because at its heart a ...
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Jan 23 2PM

In recovery position. Over the space of the last couple of hours - Nausea uptick again. Number of minor failing knock ons. Hands and feet lose blood, freezing. Brain fog kicks in. Sore throat kicks in for a while, goes away. Headache kicks in for a while goes away. Eyes get punchy. Dozing in and out of crazy off thought trains. Number of minor panic ripples. No triggers. But sudden panic surge. Lasts a few seconds. Subsides. Calm. Nothing. Repeat. Calm observation of spiking emergency response triggers.  General "illness" uptick. I now feel "flu like". Left side face fizz. The "tickles". The ants start marching from left eyebrow down the side of my face. Strong compulsion to rub that side of your face. Rubbing makes it shift for a while, not go away, but feel relieved. I know what this one is. This is the remaining nerve damage / scarring from The Event. Probably leftovers from from probable shingles. Trying to sleep through it. Keeping a close scientific ...
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Jan 23 11.30AM

Finally moved. Half hydrated. No food - don't feel up to it. Nausea has increased a tick. Stability declined. Capability and motivation to do anything have shifted to "mindless" state. Concentration and energy is just on the growing feeling of unwell. Heart rate up. A tickle of anxiety of an "oh no" anticipation of further deterioration.  Defensive. Sit. Rest. Don't. Fucking. Blink. Freeze everything. Wait. A sliver of concentration back - returned from the "mindless can't think of anything except I'm feeling ill" state. Very fragile.   Debating noodling with code - almost certainly an overburn push stupid. Or rest in recovery position, watch crap on youtube, snooze. I know the answer. I don't want it to be the answer.  Frustration. Go with the rest. Maybe I can noodle later. 
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