Bork Slowly Borking

 Today has dawned and the awfulness has retreated half a step. I feel brutalised. And fragile. And right on that edge of feeling truly terrible. This, again, at this point, is very familiar territory for me. The whole thing is familiar. But I feel just a tad more human again today. It is something. It is darkly funny how small it is. But you take the small wins you can get when everything is a shit show. My feet have been swelling up again. Not a good sign. They swell up in bed. The right one significantly more than the left - a circulation thing for that - engineering basically. How far is the pipe from the pump. There are a bunch of different reasons this could be. Systemic inflammation. Too much salt. Bad circulation. Dodgy heart. A little of everything. Of all of them I'm pretty sure it's not too much salt. I am eating sparsely. And I am not eating anything odd or rich or blah. I haven't had sugar in... I can't even remember when. I'm going to say probably a mon...

 Very ill. I've been fighting with nausea on and off again for sometime. I had previously even stated I was going to make an extra effort to get my prebiotics, probiotics, things to try and improve my digestion. Yesterday I ate, nothing dramatic, mash potatoes, beans. And like often, I become ill after eating. This time. Really ill. Awful nausea. Dreadful tiredness. I could feel my eyes sucking into my head again. That very odd feeling of hollow eyes. Weak. Shakes. Uh huh. This was all the symptoms dialled up. I retreated to bed. And passed much of the evening feeling awful. Really awful. It didn't pass. It has stayed with me. Lessening in intensity. I slept long. Today I have woken up feeling like I have a flu. But not a flu. Tired. Blurry. Difficult to think over the nausea. And a low pain. This is the at this point perennial misery with my digestion. Same place. Same feeling. Something is wrong. But. I am just living with it. Today I have eaten very sparingly. An apple. Appl...

 Ok. Somehow I got my dates messed up yesterday. It was not Nov 5 yesterday. I don't know. Today I am tired. And. Kind of pretending yesterday didn't happen. Not entirely sure what to make of that either. I have just shut down that whole path. I just am who I am. In a vacuum. The past is the past. Nothing to see here. I get it. I absolutely do get it. There is a vast difference between two days. And. That in itself is... uh huh... definitely a thing. And also. I am just kind of ignoring that as well. I don't know. Am I in denial or something ? It's definitely weird. I do find myself with something of a quiet desperation trying to find good memories about my parents. Come on. Find the happy moment. In some form of, I don't know, effort to prove everything wrong. And that they were fine. I was fine. It's all fine. I don't know. I just need to sit with it for sometime I think and let it all sink in. One way or the other. I think you can safely say that, Shit Is...

 Therapy day today. Kind of. The misery has taken a half step back. Which isn't saying much. But. I've stepped away from the close vicinity of suicide if nothing else. Just a smidge less lost. A mite less hopeless. But still the same. It is perhaps more accurate to say that I am enduring it a little better at the moment. The wind changes, the leaves blow, subtle differences in the eddies that is all. Today at therapy I started how I finished last week. On the way out. I remembered something a friend had said. And this week I kind of opened with it. I explained that I was like a parrot. When left to my own devices I would shift in and out of different accents and voices. I loved listening to different people speaking. The shape of words and sounds. And invariably I would pick it up and mimic it. Some would stick and I would revolve around different voices when I felt comfortable with someone, when I was just idling. And my friend observed, that any time I talked of my inner crit...

 Busy at work. Pushing hard. And I feel awful. Today a deep exhaustion has sat on me. An exhaustion that sits in your bones. That's the best description of it. Every part of you feels tired. Not achey. But. Achey. It isn't an ache. But. It's something. And it's deep. It's hard to explain. It is at this point very familiar to me. I am never without it. It waxes and wanes in its strength, but it never goes. Always some level of exhaustion. When it's biting less hard you can ignore it for a short period of time. Like holding your breath you can do something for a while - until inevitably you run out of breath and the consequences hit. Then there are times like today. When it bites so hard. That it chases you into bed. Where you feel ill. It pushes you into sleep. No matter how much sleep you have had. And the sleep goes deep. Each waking from that sleep feels utterly terrible. It's literally an agony to wake up, every bit of you squeals that something is not ri...

 Work was misery last week. Pushing hard to get something done, which I absolutely should not be doing, and yet another case of our problematic dev having a bit of a pout. I'm not going to get into it really. It's kind of shit. Our problem dev is still a problem. I did talk to Andy about it. He weighed in with his own problems with him. And the upshot is that yes, he's a problem, if we rectify it, he's probably going to leave. And we'd lose someone who's doing a good job in other places. And a massive pain in the arse in others. Andy admitted he was at fault for it. But. Contributing circumstances. Andy is talking to him this week. Not sure how that will go. Andy will not and cannot check people. He placates. We shall see. This week at therapy there were several things to pick over. I gave the shrink a choice. They immediately gave it back to me. Of course. I didn't really mean to fix on it this week, but we picked up a conversation with my sister and my fam...