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Dec 23

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 I am awake. With a tiny slither of energy. So. Better than previous days. This bodes slightly fortuitous for a day in which I have to get some shit together and travel south. Hopefully the car holds up. Otherwise that's going to be a painful super energy burning ride. I don't quite have the energy to move around like a normal person and get myself ready however. I have enough energy to sit up, not be crashed out asleep, and nurse a cup of tea. My first tea in... weeks. We shall see how the old dysautonomia CFS nausea monster feels about a tea. I am going to let myself very very slowly come up to temperature. And hopefully. As the hours roll by I will get a little more stability to get up, potter around, pack a bag, and pour myself into a car.  From high reflection. It is interesting. And awful. How life changes when you can no longer take ordinary shit for granted. Like. Packing a bag. Part of me is absolutely disgusted by it all. The shrink would call this my brutal inner cr...
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Dec 23 AM

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 A tiny bit of energy in the wee hours of the morning. So what do ? Of course I run off down a pointless mental exercise.  Although. I do think this nails my paradoxical existence. On the one hand I still have lots of things in my head I can do. More than ever. So many things. So many projects. And I want to believe that I have the energy to do it - or if you want to be more brutal, I am continually in denial that I can't and refuse to accept reality. And on the other hand. Most of my existence is crash outs and running along the edge of just ending it all. On the surface, maybe that seems weird. From possibilities. To ending it all. But. I don't think it is. I think it's exactly that struggle. The wanting to do shit. The inability to do shit. The mental scream that I am held back.  And  all the health shit on top of it making me feel terrible. I think. I stand at a horrible intersection here. I can see patterns on patterns. I can see a landscape of how they all fit ...
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Dec 22

 Sleep. And sleep. And low level feeling shit. And sleep. And a pinch of nausea. I have gritted my teeth and prepped a washing load and thought about what I need to do to travel for this Christmas. I really, really, really, don't want to do it. Which is absolutely no mark on any of the socialising or people involved. But is  everything  to do with that I don't feel well. Tired. Super low energy. But I am forcing myself. As you do. Metal grinding on metal. Just. Do it. Unless I physically collapse. Or the car blows out. I am forcing it. Unwise. But then I have to do some unwise things in my life otherwise I am lost. Damned if you do. And damned if you don't. After I loaded the washing machine I sat on the sofa for 5 minutes. Even this tires me out. It's stupid. I gave the commodore 64 sitting there a once over. Checked its back ports. Something the original didn't have. HDMI. And ethernet. And usb. And other stuffs. How very cool. I flicked through the hefty old scho...
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Intelligence structures

 So. I had another brainwave today - as I drifted off into another exhaustion doze. And to my mind, I think I've figured it all out. Intelligence. Self. The whole shebang. We shall call it ! The Bork Theory of Intelligence and Self. Ho ho. For a long time I have understood words to simply be compression. You can blame my IT background perhaps. But it's not just that. It's obvious when you look at it. Ok maybe it is my IT background and spending too much time in my formative days of delighting over various compression techniques particularly when storing images ( or lack thereof - looking at you BMP ). Everything wordy is about data abstraction and compression. But beyond that.  Everything  is about abstraction and compression. How do you fit the universe into a bottle without a universe sized bottle ( because as it turns out, no one has a universe sized bottle in their pocket ) ? A word is an abstraction of a much more complex form. For instance. You can take a word like ...
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Dec 21

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 Sleeping very long. Yesterday, I am not even sure. I know that I slept for 17 hours with a break right in the middle of an hour or so to knock up a pollution bloom map. And then went back to sleep. I would take a guess I am somewhere around a 75:25 split at the minimum. 18 hours down, 6 hours up. But the 6 hours is not in a single block. It's sporadic. Bathroom, water. awake for a short while. Sleep. ( albeit yesterday it was a lot more sleep than 18 hours in a 24 hour period ) I am not getting anything close to feeling awake and rested. Anytime I stop for a moment I get a hard tug towards sleep. Like if you were always super tired. Also on top of this, I am not feeling well. I am just about keeping the nausea within bounds - it's not getting critical, but it's often the background noise which also pushes me into sleep. Living with it is unpleasant. Sleep takes it away. I am just.. letting it do what it's going to do. So far I have not spiralled into a hopeless depress...
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Conversations with an AI - Theory of Intelligence, Self & Compression

 Revisiting some hashed out things already. But. I had a bit of a revelation the other day. That neural nets, our brain, LLMs are just a way to store compressed data. aka I'm not special. No one is God's special child. The idea is this - If you have a system that has a "need" to store information about itself and its environment, how would it do that. At a naive first pass you can store on a 1:1 basis. Each piece of information you get. You store. But. This is almost instantly unserviceable. It doesn't scale. A brain store to hold a set of information would be so large to be unmoveable, not to mention its calorific cost would exceed any lifeforms capability to obtain that. You cannot store information at 1:1 If you are going to store information it  must  be compressed.  One way to do this. Push information into a higher dimensional space.  Imagine. 100 bits of information in a line. To store 100 bits of information you need 100 bits. 1:1. Let us push that into ...
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