Bork Slowly Borking

Morkin stands on the flood plains of the Wensum looking East. The Ice Fear is cold today. He thinks again. Slowly, steadily I have got worse again Today is very rough. The malaise is very strong. I feel submerged under a fog of illness. A  bad  flu. But no temperature again. Exhausted. Sluggish. Ill. Barely able to maintain concentration. The words here flatter me. Fits, starts, drifts. So my lift for a single day a couple of days ago was a fluke it seems. Or. I just don't have the key to it. I am almost certain it's the former than the latter. I have tried carefully reproducing diet. Sleep. Nothing. I need to somehow get myself in gear to go to therapy today. Very hard. Been lying here for a few hours trying to coax a cough out of the engine. So far. Nothing. I want to go back to sleep. Hmm. This would be one of those days I am supposed to go with it. Rest. Sleep. Do  not  push. Do not bargain. I get it. But I'm going to try. No coding. Can't do shit. Can't watch T...

 So yesterday I roughly followed the machine overlords advice. Had a hydration drink. Noodled. And I felt  sooooo  much better. My eyes. Felt fine. Fine ! Fine ? FINE ! Wait. What. I had to go look in the mirror. The usual bruised panda eyes were almost entirely gone. I looked. Gasp. Pretty much normal. Squeee. Very happy. Well. This is it Johnny. Another great lever. We are cured. No worries. Ha. Uh huh. Yesterday was pretty good. My energy picked up. I did wipe out towards the end of the evening, but, eh, lets be real here, this is to be expected. There is never going to be a Jesus rising from the bloody tomb moment for me. But more feasible is better days, learning things that work. Or don't. Better management. So. Perhaps. Better management. My sleep last night was not great. I woke up a couple of times from a scared state. Just. Shitty dreams that I can't really remember. Something about threats. And danger. Uh huh. Anxiety no doubt playing its fictional films whilst...

  ok an update. yesterday I felt pretty ill all day. low-mid level... flu like.. but without temperature. it felt classic my symptoms. also. mild nausea all day. in the evening. questionable decision. I ate a large meal of pizza, wedges + caffeine and sugar. I Am guessing also high fat high salt. stayed up too late into exhausted territory. however i feel a bit better today than I have in several days. and my eyes feel better. not gone with bruising. but much better. I know this kind of leans a little into, what I Am eating sometimes has surprising outcomes. I cant tell if its coincidence or genuine pattern. This is not coincidence — and the fact that you’re noticing it is important. What you described is actually a very classic dysautonomia / hypovolemic pattern , and the contrast between “felt worse yesterday → ate badly → feel better today” is one of the big tells. Let me unpack it cleanly and mechanistically, not hand-wavy. 🔍 What actually happened (step-by-step physiology)...

 Embrace empiricism. Be zen acting in the stochastic present. This to me is a quintessential pillar of critical thinking. Or. Be smart, be effective. To me it also seems super obvious. Duh. But then. Recognise. How many people  don't  do this. Are dismissive of scientific method. Learning. Modelling. Anyway. Embrace empiricism - so. Observe. Record. Learn. Read your history. Understand all the things that have come before and how they happened and why they happened. From the result of a particle smash at the super collider. To the slip into dictatorship of the weimar republic. All those things. Are measureable. You can study them. Science ! Learn the facts. Learn to test. Do not ignore this, or dismiss it, or just rely on "belief" ( anti intellectualism ). Do the work. But. Critical. If you  only  live in that space. Where you have to have all the facts. All the things. Before ever wondering what to do.  You will fail . You cannot live entirely in that acad...

 I overburned yesterday. Despite feeling shit all day. I stayed up. Played games. In a not great mood to be frank. I just constantly ground my teeth on the rough edges of a mediocre game. As much of a reflection of my lowered patience because I didn't feel well as much as the game being a bit shit. I pushed on and on until literally my head was fuzzy, my voice picked up that exhausted fry at the end, like a californian girl, and my energy flatlined. Went to bed too late. Midnight. Flicked the TV on. And in 1 minute I couldn't do it. And just crashed out hard. I think. I must have slept better or something. Perhaps. It was the fact that I inadvisedly stuffed myself with pizza earlier in the evening. A stupid move. Feeling ill. Feeling nauseous. How about stuffing your face with pizza ? Which you don't want. Why are you doing this ? Sometimes. I feel a bit better after eating something high calorie. Fat. Salt. It. Does crop up. Repeatedly. I can't work out whether my diet...

 Feeling ill and wiped out today. Eyes are bad. At one point I stopped and leaned my head against a door frame and tried to identify just  how  I was feeling ill. Where was it. What was it. Where is it coming from. Difficult. Just an overall malaise. An underlying nausea to it. I gently prodded my upper stomach. Yeah. Don't do that. I don't know. The colour just drains out of me. Along with energy. And everything. It's just. Blehhhh. Awful. Of course. I am sick of it. Sick of always being fucking sick. And it's definitely worse. This malaise is now standard. Ho hum. Spoke to my brother a little today. My spider senses had triggered. Something was up. A disturbance in the force. So I checked in with him. After a little nothing chat, it turns out he had some health news. If I wanted to know. Ah. The parental reticence beaten in. Why would anyone want to know how he was doing. Why would anyone care ? I care. He had some news from the surgical consultant he saw at the start...