May 26

 Scraping along the bottom. Both mentally and physically.

I seem to have fallen into a deep odd kind of depression. And the physical side is just reinforcing it strongly. No let up. A day which might promise a little lift is instead wiped out by any one of my recurring symptoms making life hard and making sure I stay on the floor.

I have stopped fighting. I have stopped talking about it.

The pains this last month have not been good. They have still not let up. Vicious all over pains. In the muscles. All over. They rise and fall in a day. At some points I can't manage a single step up without blinding pain. I have a step into my computer room. I stop often now before tackling it. Gather myself. And then step. Ride out the pain. And then continue.

I am sleeping a lot. Often to escape symptom problems. They submerge beneath consciousness when I am asleep for the most part. And sometimes after sleep they have shifted around.

Twitches are worse. Smashed my foot into the bottom of the bed the other day. A twitch. Almost asleep. Leg twitched, kicked, smashed my foot. Generally they aren't quite as dramatic. Generally.

I have a bunch of health things I should follow up. A blood test. An asthma test. A checkover. I have left them all unresolved.

There are solid chunks of the day where I am underwater mentally. Suicidal. But not acting on it. It tends to ease off in the evening. Many things in me seem to track that odd diurnal state. I tend to do better at night. Worse during the day.

I had to get my ears sorted out again today. Only 4 months since I did this the last time. Completely blocked ear again. Hot outside. I could barely manage the appointment. I think both my physical health is appalling, and, I have lost so much condition. Just. Melting away. A walk of 150 yards made my legs burn.

I decided on the way back - stupidly and I knew it was stupid - to get some lunch from the supermarket. I knew it was going to be bad. But I did it anyway. Getting in and out of the car is pure pain. I shuffled around. Got what I needed. Hurried home. Literally collapsed into bed. Gasping. Pain. Fatigue. Slowly I stabilised a little. Had lunch. Slumped. Slept. All afternoon. Most of the evening.

I pondered over for the millionth time just how incapable I was.

I tried correcting myself. Listen. Not a good day. Hot. Don't judge by the worse days. 

But still.

I despair.

The best I can do. At a better moment. Is just take a little peace in doing something small. Watching a TV show. Sitting up at the computer. And that's it. Don't think outside that space. Just exist. That's my high water mark.

Enduring. For the moment.

In the midst of this. A few people. Tell me how much I mean. It is odd. A huge gulf between where they are and where I am. Tragic. Really. It also highlights what you can be to others. And where you can be yourself. Those two things. Don't necessarily have to be even on the same planet. Which I understand. But the living of it is weird. The gap itself. Is strange that it can be so diverged.