Bork Slowly Borking

 Yesterday was a surreal blur. I stayed up way around the clock, half because I was trying to break the sleep schedule, and half because Hazel wanted to go for a walk. By the time I was going for a walk, it was an equivalent of midnight to me if you had got up at 8am. After days of fucky sleep I was tired. Buzzy. Surreal. I tried analysing it at one point on my drive over to Hazel. The winter sun was casting a lovely golden glow to everything, cold, clear, golden. I could see it from one point of view. And from another it was like being in a separate room to it. Not there. Mild disassociation. Third party viewing. I could also tell that it reminded me of vague things from my childhood. Other days that looked like that. And that there were feelings attached. But I couldn't actually feel any of it. It was like reading a report on a page. And the words were smudged. It was surreal. Not that it was an unusual thing for me. Not worrying. Not unknown. Just. An altered state of mind, and

Another day, another stupid amount of sleeping and loss of daylight. Stuck in perpetual purgatory. My brain is playing hardball. Either it refuses to shut off and let me sleep, or it crashes out and absolutely demands sleep right now, both of which mean I am hard pressed to change sleeping pattern. Yeesh. I had a long blurb here about people. I cut it. I second guess myself somewhat with the stuff in my head and what I say, and sometimes it reduces down to zero. Shut up. Suffice to say. One of my secrets is a paradox at my heart. I don't want to see people or engage with people. vs I need people and love pottering around them or when I am in the mood, peering into their heads. I think. On the whole. I lean towards the hermit. Given an otherwise neutral environment, my tendency would reinforce and I would withdraw from everyone and just go live a solitary life in a tower in a forest. No people. However. As it turns out, I think I need people. Like. Absolutely cannot do without peopl

 Sleep schedule is fucked. As per usual. How fucked ? So yesterday I stayed up until just after midday. First thing in the morning me and Athena had a nice walk around Mousehold. I dropped her off, picked up her meds and did a small amount of groceries. Came back, fed Athena, fed me, chilled and went to sleep for a nap.... And woke up 12 hours later. 00.45 AM. Sigh. Ok. Whatever. Despite the fuckery, yesterday was an alright day. I was going to head out to the vets pick up the meds and do some groceries. But Athena was happy and bouncy and wanted to come with me. So. Change of plans. I took her for a walk first. We don't typically do bright and early morning walks. Pretty rare in our 13 years of travels together. So we're not part of the morning scene. Yesterday I decided we'd go to mousehold. Oh boy. So many dog walkers. So many people. The place was packed. I got the last spot in the car park. It didn't help that as I turned up, a larping group were assembling. At lea

 Today has been a disaster. I thought my body clock had finally just about been wrestled into place. But no. Went for a "nap" at 9am ish. Woke up briefly at 6pm. Woke up properly at nearly 1am.  So Friday disappeared. Entirely. Uh huh. Filled in my taxes today. Somewhat late, but eh. Had to trawl through my accounts. Noticed that the missing payment Andy had agreed to pay, had itself... been missed. Amazing. The dude continues to be zero trustworthy with money. Slippery as an eel and guaranteed to at some point or other fuck you over for money. Not if. But when. Guaranteed. Same behaviour for 10 years and more. Not a one off blip or mistake, a pattern of behaviour. Funny that it's never in my favour. Always the other way around. As has been going on for years. Every slip, every non payment, every compromise of non full payment funds the business to piss money up the wall. I feel like every Xmas dinner since ever has probably been funded on the money that I've been don

 Tired. Wrestling my sleep into something resembling normal. Vet got back to me today about Athenas urine sample ( again, another 24 hour turn around in test and prompt updating, can't be faulted ). Some issues with the sample, possible UTI, suffice to say, Athena is gonna get a dose of anti biotics. So the plan is her special shampoo. Antibiotics. And we've booked another appointment on the 14th Feb for a follow up retest - this is when all her meds finish - to see if things look better, and start her on anti arthritic drugs. So. Pretty happy all round with the service we're getting, and, reassured myself I am doing all I can for my old lady. Spoke with my brother today. About nothing special. He ranted a bit as he deemed it. About work - which he's retired from - about people not bothering. About how people can't be arsed anymore. I ranted about how the service at the vets put the NHS to shame. Where was my £3.7k a year going ? He said it was because 25% of the UK

So yesterday bright and early we went to the vets. We went through the symptoms, Athena got a thorough look over and we agreed a plan. Test for bloods to monitor anything gone wrong. Test urine for other functions. And finally think about some anti inflammatories and anti arthritic meds. Cushings was a possibility, as was hyperthyroidism and a bunch of things - most of which would be cleared up by a blood test. But it was also possible they were just unrelated. All in all the vet was great, warm, sympathetic, explained the possibilities, open to discussion, talked to like a human and came up with a solid diagnostic plan. And we had an appointment within 24 hours. It was not lost on me the entirely different experience I get from the NHS. Athena is in a different world healthcare wise. If I could register myself as a large labrador, I would. Her initial check over came up ok. Nothing felt wrong internally, seemed good all round - but, a noticeable twinge and problem on her left back leg

 Athena remains about the same. Sometimes a little better. Sometimes not. Thinking about it and putting two and two together in hindsight, I wonder if she has succumbed to cushings. She's been losing a lot of hair in the last month or so - which I didn't think too much about, but noted it was weird. Perhaps I thought, she just really needed a brush. She's always been a bit of a hairy beast. But it's been extreme of late. Hazel even noted it. She's also been a good deal more thirsty. Again. Didn't think much about it. But put it all together and it sounds like Cushings. Ares had the same run in. Today I've made an appointment with the vets, we will go tomorrow 9am. I'm not sure there is a lot that they can do for her, but, if it is cushings ( blood test will be required to confirm ), then some meds may help her out, which, in the circumstances is probably the best outcome. I haven't voiced my suspicion to the vets. We will see if they come up with the

Athena is sleeping long. Low energy. Low everything. I have taken to basically baby sitting her unless she is asleep. I have both my eyes on her. After struggling with some steps, she actually did, eventually, make it up the stairs herself this afternoon. A small victory. I wanted to see if she could do it. She balked a few times. Then came up without too much faff. It's like a switch has suddenly flicked in her, and all the weight of her years has suddenly landed in one big hit. But. Sometimes the way with dogs. Fine. Right up until you're not. She has had lunch, a pee, a poop, and gone back to bed. We'll leave it a few hours and then do a lap around the block. Who knows, she still might improve yet. But. Really. She's not. I know it. The whole of me knows it, and has entered into that weird high stress, high fuckery, super alert mode. But we shall see. Beyond that. I touched pretty low yesterday. It lingered. Felt the before. Not good. Path is downwards at the moment.

 Drew a frog today. Or rather I finished drawing a frog today. I started it in November and dropped it. I finished it to take my mind off shit. I drew it in a haze of stress and non thinking. It's my very close take on an original from 1790 by Itō Jakuchu. Took Athena out for a short walk today. She's way better out and about. Not good at other times. I will puzzle out something that makes it work for the time being - makes her happiest. Hum ho. If you have happy vibes. Send them to me. Also. Be kind. It's good for you. Study confirms that being kind to others helps depression and connection and yada. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2023/01/230110103424.htm

 Difficult difficult, lemon, difficult. Sleep skewed all over the place. Got up late. Athena was where I had left her. Not moved. She's sleeping long and deep now. Just like Ares. She got up. We shuffled about. Athena, notably, a lot less mobile. Mmm k. Dragged ourselves out and Athena picked up, excited to go for a walk, lifted her into the car and off we went. We picked up Hazel and Poppy and had a bit of a run around. Hazel asked how Athena was doing. She said Athena seemed less mobile. Yeah. But. She ran around a bit. We talked a bit about it. Peaks and troughs. And how dogs are. It's not how they are when they get their adrenaline up. And trot about. It's how they are in the trough. The aftermath. The before and after. Just like Ares. I have talked to vets about it. They do the same with shots of steroid. Amp up the system. Makes everything work a bit better. But it's temporary. Always temporary. And masks the problem, and, also, tends to bring the problem to resol

 Didn't really sleep yesterday. Just went round the clock. Buzzy. The day was also super annoying and frustrating. Our junior was enormously useless and annoying. Middle aged dude. Academic. A few years in c++, a few years in web stuff, "high quality IT" as he has it on his CV. Taught a bit of astronomy. This uni. That uni. Intelligence of a brick. I had to babysit him for a large chunk of today. Backtracking right back to one step at a time through a logical series of actions. Find this. Go here. What's that telling you ? Which means ? And then ? All day. Like that. At no point could I let him get on and just say, ok, you get the idea, follow the logic. Or investigate. Or poke around. I tried a few times. No. A complete stop each time. I don't know what to do. Plus panicked sprints into dead ends. What's that. How can I get that. You don't need that. Can I get access to it. You don't need that. Will I need to change that data. YOU DON'T NEED THAT.

 I thought I was winning the sleep schedule battle. No. After getting close it rubber banded back hardcore today. Didn't properly get up until 7pm. Yikes. Arse was a gloopy mess. In the scale of things it could be worse. Its just a continual damp liquidy ass. Must. Contact. Alleged. Health. Service. Sigh. Today I have cleared a bunch more work. A bunch more came in. Never ending. Andy does the whole usual fucked up expectation thing. Here's a scheduled thing. Start today yeah ? Oh, here's three other things as well. So. You started the schedule today yeah ? Sure. I gave the other three things to the IT elves to do leaving me free. The dude has almost zero concept of time or scheduling. It's remarkable. Again, I think he just acts on anxiety / instinct. Whatever is a worry, he needs. Schedules and the like don't even come into it. I think that's probably the secret to be honest. Most of it comes from an anxiety root. The panicked need for something 5 minutes afte

 I am struggling epically to wrestle my sleep schedule onto a normal track. I am within touching distance of doing it. Also within touching distance of it slipping away from me again. It is far from pleasant. Chunks of time with insomnia. Chunks of time so tired I feel sick. Brilliant. Today I knocked a whole bunch of work out of the door, done, dusted, delivered. Pretty much scrape free. Which was nice. Tomorrow, a new inserted Can You Just task looms. The never ending super psychologically damaging never ending task list of inserted items at the last minute. ( Why damaging ? Because you never get closure or pressure relief. It's like trying to colour in a colouring book only to have someone keep unfolding a new square of the picture before you can half finish. Try it. You are guaranteed to make someone flip the table if you do this enough for any task. Psychs have noted that the jobs most satisfying are those where you can start and finish a task within a day and you can see the

 A pretty hellish trek at the moment. Days blur. Time is fucked. So much sleep. Don't feel well. But let's not dwell. Today at least I think I have dragged my sleep schedule somewhat positive. Awake for some of the daylight and a walk at least. Gasp. I idly checked my payments from Andy yesterday. Unsurprisingly he hasn't paid me for the extra days I've been working that he so desperately wanted. Same old same old. At this point it's predictable. Funny isn't it that getting me to do extra, or doing the thing, or releasing the malarkey, dotting the i's, crossing the t's and making sure that everything is perfect can be so keenly pursued, and yet, payment for services rendered, well, that's different. A persons actions can tell you a lot about them. Their sense of right and wrong. How "flexible" their ethics are. Uh huh. And money is so corrupting to the type of person corrupted by the material. Brings out the shittiest in people. Eh well. An

Meh. These pages have become a slog through a bumpy patch. Not much interesting to read here. Just me getting out the days and problems in my head. A twisty form of journalling. So very pro mental health. Eh heh. Hmm. Rough day yesterday. Perhaps the aftermath of the busy work and hospital day. Funny that. In a 24 hour period I slept 21 hours. Insane. Friday for me pretty much disappeared. And that oh so familiar vague nausea floated around me in sleep, when awake. I nearly threw up in the early hours it got so bad.  Ho hum. Been here. Done that. Got the T Shirt. I skipped taking my meds last night. I suspected they had been contributing to filling my head full of concrete, and today, I feel a bit lighter, a bit clearer. But eh. We will see. I still feel like I could just sleep non stop. It takes effort not to, and sometimes a stupid amount of effort. I had a plan for yesterday. Go out with Athena. Get some groceries. Cut a shelf. Tidy up the computer desk. I did zero. And the day disa

 Work and hospital appointment today. Managing that and a shitty sleep schedule was I have to say, really difficult. Work was a pain in the ass. Andy wanted to go live with an update. But. As per usual, a whole other mess of crap needed to be done, ducks were not in a row, and with time ticking on, people were still faffing, making changes, pushing to test, then rushing to test. Mistakes made. Rinse and repeat. I'll tell you right now. That's not where you want to be in the afternoon when you're supposed to be doing a release during the day. This is also one of those spots where Andy gets carried away. He really wants to do a release. Gets it in his head. He sees the invoice he can draw up and the dopamine hit. He ignores the realities. Just. Wants. That. Dopamine. No. I called it off early afternoon. I could see the way it was going. He didn't quite believe me. Could we finagle this. Do that. He talked to one of the devs. Could he go around me, convince me. No. I left

I promised to show what the teeny tiny bird flappies looked like at the end. Well. Here's a sample. Far from great. But. You get the idea ! Not terrible. For the rest of todays post.... Hooray, it's a stupid set of questions to answer. Sometimes these are my guilty pleasure. Sometimes they are eye rolling. Do you think the end or the means is more important ? The means. An end with no regard to means is hell. Also. Life is 99% about journeys, not destinations. Unless you're trying to get your groceries. Do you believe in a power greater than humanity ? No. Do you think human ethics are learned or natural ? Both. There are studies out there that lean towards both. This is part of being a social animal. How do we measure life ? ?? Life is measured depending who you ask and what their ideology, philosophy or theology is. For many it's capitalism in one form or another. What do you think your purpose is ? There isn't one. As close

 Hole in my ass was bad yesterday. Mucho leaky, a clear plasma like liquid. And to be honest it impacted my mood. Oh god. Something else wrong with me.  As I woke properly up and moved about, the impact to mood lessened, but I can feel it there, a constant anxiety. You Need To Do Something Because If You Dont You'll End Up With Blood Poisoning At Best. Sigh. Tricky. My sense of self preservation is pretty low. My desire to stick my head in the NHS blender and be either ignored or put on a never ending waiting list is very low. All in all. It makes doing something about it tricky. I will see if I can muster the herculean botheration to ask for an appointment or some shit tomorrow. I don't expect to be seen by a doc or get an answer within a week. I don't expect to get a hospital referral within six months. I don't expect to get a follow up in less than a couple of years. Sigh. My sleeping continues to be whack. Anything less than 12 hours and I am groggy and feel like sh

I wrote a long blurb here about the whole happiness comes from within not without malarkey. And how there are many flaws with that simplisitic approach, not least of which is that many external factors have the capability to both improve and worsen your mood. Not an opinion. Proven fact. And so happiness from within. Yeah. Sure. Also. Bollocks. So cutting it short. Today I have reflected on how much of my peace is impacted by external factors. If someone is happy or sad, upset with me, or otherwise. If things are going on out of my control. Or just random factors. How much does any of it impact me. I've realised that my internal calm is horribly exposed to everything around me, and, when you even think about it slightly, my sense of zen, and happiness is reliant on impossible things. It matters to me whether those around me are happy or sad. Are annoyed at me or not. That all things go well. Are tickety boo. No problems. No troubles. And how unrealistic that is. Everyone, and I do

 A weird week of wacky sleep schedule, almost constant work, and never seeing the sun. It has been odd. Permanently dark. Sitting on the bed tapping away at code on the laptop. Poor Athena has just slept all the time. I am zero fun. And she's old and tired. Also, I think I probably lost a friend this week. I am ok with that, if that's the case. It comes down to challenging someones reality. At what point do you go along with someone and their belief, and at what point do you pushback and disagree. It's not about forcing them to agree with you, or demanding they think in a certain way. Agreeing to disagree is perfectly acceptable. But even this can be thorny when someones life is based around a lie, or, lying to themselves. I've often hit this pothole in life. How much do you push. How much do you let slide. How to tell someone they are fucking up badly. Or being an asshole. Or crazy. Or anything that is difficult for them to come to terms with. If not impossible. Saying