8th Jan

 Hole in my ass was bad yesterday. Mucho leaky, a clear plasma like liquid. And to be honest it impacted my mood.

Oh god. Something else wrong with me. 

As I woke properly up and moved about, the impact to mood lessened, but I can feel it there, a constant anxiety. You Need To Do Something Because If You Dont You'll End Up With Blood Poisoning At Best.

Sigh.

Tricky. My sense of self preservation is pretty low.

My desire to stick my head in the NHS blender and be either ignored or put on a never ending waiting list is very low.

All in all. It makes doing something about it tricky.

I will see if I can muster the herculean botheration to ask for an appointment or some shit tomorrow. I don't expect to be seen by a doc or get an answer within a week. I don't expect to get a hospital referral within six months. I don't expect to get a follow up in less than a couple of years.

Sigh.

My sleeping continues to be whack.

Anything less than 12 hours and I am groggy and feel like shit. Also. I need time to recover from sleep. Sleep feels like a ten tonne weight on me. I don't feel rested, I feel worse, like a huge weight on my torso, heavy limbs, yeesh.

I'm almost certainly dehydrated which doesn't help. I've sorta noticed I am not drinking a lot. Like. 2 cups of tea and a sip of water. Mmmm. Not enough. 

Ho hum.

All in all I am a hilarious slow moving car crash at the moment. Everything is way off track. But ironically, for a few hours a day, I am alright. I feel a lot better by the time the early hours of the morning roll around.

So in my uptime I very gently noodle around. Watch a bit of TV. Play a game maybe. Squeak out a little art. Noodle some code. No great shakes. Today I've decided I really need a very low res pixel art bird take off animation. Yeah. Why not.

Pixel art - like a lot of art to be fair - is like magic to me. I am in awe of people that pull off amazing works of art. Very clever. Very skilled. As is my way, I fumblefuck my way through a very very poor imitation of it, which leaves me with an end product, and as ever, an awe at people that can just do this willy nilly. I don't think I will ever not have a sense of awe at artists. It's something that does not come naturally to me, its rules are ephemeral, touchy feely, and like a caveman looking at an aeroplane, the end result seems magical. I kinda grasp enough of it to get on the tail end of the magic, which just makes me appreciate it more, not become complacent. 

I am largely ok with my relationship with art. I find it stupidly annoyingly frustrating that I can't often do what I want. But I also find it somewhat pleasant that there is something I struggle with, but can actually do a little. I get a sense of happiness out of it, despite kinda sucking. It's a love hate thing. But mostly, at the low noodle end, it's a love thing. Calming. Cool. Just. Don't poke the perfectionist bear too much. Or raise your sights too high. As a result it's something very prone to my mood. Sometimes I just cannot art.

Heh.

Have a picture.

Yes. It looks like a blob ( the one on the left ). What is this shit.

Heh. Tricky. Hopefully, when you put it altogether, it looks like a bird taking off. It's at a ridiculously small resolution - this is a mere 16 by 16 pixels. So, that blob of a bird, is 6 pixels high. Blink. And you'll miss it. Your mouse cursor would dwarf it in size.

But have a bit of faith. Something I have learned in art. You need some faith during the assembly and creation. It can look stupid. And yet. By the end. Pull it altogether. And it becomes something else. Not in this case, but, in general, I've learned the finishing touches to stuff is where a lot of the magic comes in. A little shadow. A little light. And the brain does the rest. It's a weird thing.

So faith. Ignore the negative demons. Wait until the end.

I'll post back with this when it's done. And you can judge for yourself.