Bork Slowly Borking

 Sluggish today. Sleep has been cloying, muddied, deep. Each approach of the surface of wakefulness has come with an  ache  in my torso, that sucking, straining, ill feeling. It is an odd feeling. It feels "ill". Feverish without the temperature. A sickness. Without some of the paraphenalia, no stuffy nose, no sore throat, no temperature. But feeling ill nevertheless. And with that sticky, suffocating sleep. Waking has been mired in treacle and fog. Today I have struggled to do much useful at work. A couple of queries. A couple of checks. But the engine has failed to start. Despite me gritting my teeth. Repeatedly kicking it. It wouldn't start. And eventually. I fell into the inevitable. And slept. And slept. More treacle. More fog. Deep in some exhausted asleep state. When I circle in the shallow waters of still asleep, but somewhat aware I can feel it. An enormous weight and that illness. It takes a great deal of effort to surface out of it. It is easy. No effort. To gi...

 This. Is the hill the therapist will die on. Or perhaps it's the hill I die on. Today was therapy. And after a brief check of how I was doing - a bit of energy today - and how that was - like damocles sword waiting for it to evaporate. The therapist offered nothing in the way of reflection of the defensive session last week. No further thoughts. Business as usual. Ok. My lean was then, that this probably was the end. My lean was that way before the session. And starting the session. Just seemed to confirm that direction. I told the therapist we needed to have a difficult conversation.  I gave them my need. I need you. To admit a mistake. I didn't tack on the apology. Just. Admit the mistake. Correct. Move on. No caveats. No spin. Etc. The therapist was silent.  Why is that important for you to hear those words. Oh boy. Here we go. Because I said it is an indication that the... I rummaged around for the word.... machinery is working correctly. What do you mean machinery ?...

  Some years ago now, my friend who runs a charity dealing with kids reflected that I "made myself very small". He was pointing it out as unusual. And that no one else he knew made themselves quite that small. He was talking about me taking up space with demands or expectations or a need to respect who I am. I didn't have it. I didn't think a lot of it at the time. I understood what he meant. To me. That's how it was. Of course you don't impose. At all. Even slightly. And you are responsive. And adapt. But that was the first time someone had very explicitly set that out. And the commenter wasn't a random. It was someone used to dealing with kids with all sorts of difficulties. Kids for where there was often nowhere else to go. Complicated and rough backgrounds. But all sorts. A background of understanding of the push and pull of demands and space and development. And even though he didn't really mean to. It was an assessment. A nose twitch. Something. ...

 I think, there is something I need from you. And of course, it is up to you whether you give it or not. I need you to acknowledge you made a serious mistake. No caveats. No defensive language. No spin. No ifs and buts. That you made a serious mistake. And then. Perhaps. An apology. And I am sorry I made that mistake. And I need you to mean it. To understand it. Not just to say it because its helpful to me. Or it's what I need. I need you to understand the mistake and learn from it. ~response~ Related threads - I do not entirely trust you anymore. I do not trust your judgement to make good decisions. I do not trust you to prioritise me, instead of prioritising your own ego first. And I do not trust you to understand me. Be present in the room with me. And adapt. When you make a mistake. I have a problem with the language you used. Transferring responsibility. There is a difference between the two statements - I can see that didn't work. and I can see that didn't work for yo...

 Have managed to be useful at work again this week. Doing my hours. Getting stuff done. At least in the small amount of hours I do work now, I have managed to fulfill that bit of my life. Everything else. Not so much. Again. It does occur. That I have a small amount of energy budget in a good week. And if I spend it in better work uptime. Then. Everything else suffers. And vice versa. And if its not a week where I have an energy budget.... Today I am tired. Name a day where I am not tired. Today I am tired of being tired. Sick of being sick. As I stood in the kitchen making a cup of tea and I could feel my body fighting me to keep standing. I was just tired. Tired of always fighting against exhaustion. Tired of never having energy to do shit. Tired of always being in this space where everything is a struggle. If there was a way I could do something. Get energy back. I would do it. If there was a thing that said, 50% of the time this will kill you, 50% of the time you will be cured....

 Today started better. Sleep schedule better. Played a game. Felt a bit better. Then I prepared to go out for therapy. And I felt ill. In the shower I felt myself slide. Nausea up. Illness up. Bleh. Suddenly. Going out felt very hard. 15 minutes before hand I was planning on getting lunch as I didn't feel too bad. By the time I exited the door, I was back down into minimal bunker mode. Go out. Get it done. Come home. No room for pushing it. Felt ill the same as yesterday. A bit better. But the same flu like condition. The temperature didn't help. October. And the weather is warm and muggy. It feels like a decent summer day from the before times. Before summers became screamingly hot. So therapy. Uh huh. After asking how I was and me going through how I was not doing well, and a brief recap of the week, I prompted the therapist to tell me on their reflection. Because they weren't offering. I got a very defensive apology. Barely that. Lots of political language. At one point ...