Posts

Nov 9

 Reflective. There seems to be. A little past ordering going on with me. If it's a sign of shifting clouds and weather, I am not sure what it portends, if anything. Today. I remembered all the walks I used to take. With the mutts. With Hazel. It was nice at the time. I was not complacent with them, particularly in the later years. But on reflection. They are even warmer now. Perhaps cynically, a little divorced in time from the effort of doing it, the minor annoyances, the weight of routine and responsibility. But. I remember them as nice things. Zen. Walking around beautiful green places - of which Norfolk is utterly spoilt for. And watching 3 dogs explore and interact and take absolute joy just from living. And chatting to Hazel along the way about nothing. Sometimes a relationship. Sometimes health. A lot of the times nothing of import. I think if I could choose time, I would choose that time. Going for walks with the mutts. In a perfect late summer evening. Cool. A glow of dusk...
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Nov 5

 Definitely a down turn. The ever fucky health has turned it up a notch. Even just resting is now problematic. And moving is more so. I think my sleep is particularly bad at the moment for one reason or another. It's not helping. Continual dizziness over many days. And the tinnitus which has got worse peaks further up. Now in both ears when its bad. Sigh. Today. Because. I at times just. Forget. Or wilfully ignore, or some shit. I defrosted my small chest freezer. The defrosting was the easy bit. Leave it off. Lid open. The cleaning of it out. A 10 minute job. Left me with the shakes, wooziness and feeling so bad for a good while after. Legs shaking. Arms shaking. Headache. Squealing tinnitus. All for 10 minutes of effort. I was going to gather my strength to go do some grocery shopping. I have nothing. But. The freezer wiped me out. I realised I would not be going anywhere. I made it to the sofa and lay down. Feeling terrible. A sickly sweat prickled over my shaking limbs. These b...
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Nov 4

 One of these days. Sleep is going to nail me. I am not going to come out of it. Not because sleep is the ultimate problem. Although. I think it's a big contributor. Bur rather. Sleep attacks a bunch of vulnerabilities in me at the same time. Pushes me very low. And the sum of all the bits that are not working. Reaches a disharmonious peak somewhere in sleep. Today I can barely function. That I can write this reasonably well is.. amazing. My head spins. My eyes wont focus properly. And my brain is sluggish and foggy. Typing is hard. I have not been keeping up with my hydration salts. I think their effectiveness was slowly waning. Or perhaps. I was getting worse. The worse tinnitus certainly points to a very graphic  something  that has become worse this year. Its jump in intensity has been stark. Today I have stumbled out of bed, lilterally. Standing waiting for my water. I can feel myself swaying. I sway too much. And stumble to keep from falling. Static fills my head. M...
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Nov 2

 Last week was the final therapy session. The therapist didn't know it beforehand, but the presence of the sword of damocles over the last month was most definitely known. The week beforehand we had touched on the rift about the lack of listening, and then worse still, the lack of admission of that mistake in anything but glancing acknowledgements, and in general the failure of the machinery at that point. We talked by and large about other stuff. Which was fine. I had given that week its full air time. To see if the therapist had finally managed to get their words in order - but as it turned out they had nothing to say. Therefore. Last week was the last week. I had deliberated during the week about it. Pretty sure. 99% sure. But as the days passed I thought about it from different angles, before in the end, being very sure. Done. I expected the therapist to ask why. A. Stupid question really. But sometimes the therapist asks stupid questions. Just I think to get the words out ther...
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Oct 25

 Felt ill the last few days. That CFS-y kinda ill. Doesn't seem to be shifting. A vague nausea that hovers in the background. A feeling of bleh. And the exhaustion. And the rest of it. Getting quieter. I have engaged. And chatted. And laughed.  But I am getting quieter. Harder to do each time. The mask is getting heavy. Today I was going to be quiet. But was pulled into chatting. Probably. Good for me. It chased off some of the forced quietness. But I felt ill again all day today. And I don't know. I am getting tired of everything. Even the last dregs of it are draining out. It is hard to describe. I think. It's the patterns. Something in there about therapy. About having to code switch to people. And I don't know if it's just where I am beyond tired. Or. Whether. Something in me has altered. Is altering. And I am less.. likely... to pull the energy up to do it. In an odd way. Perhaps. That need to do that. To have to rise to an energy level to match. Maybe kept me ...
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Oct 20

 Therapy yesterday. The last session. "Last". I span out the therapy to this week because it was clear the therapist was struggling to articulate - they said this directly - and we had run out of time. So. Give it another week. Never let it be said that things were left half hanging. A sentence unable to be stated. As it turned out the therapist didn't have much to say. This is not a surprise. The therapist can lose the track a fair bit from week to week. It is one of their... non strengths shall we say. Concentrated continuity. They tend to operate on a more flighty general continuity rather than picking a conversation up from the week before. Which isn't super helpful here. We talked some initially about how I was doing. CFS being hard. Robbing me of life. "Opportunity cost". Taking away opportunities I might have otherwise had. And that I was at zero. With everything. Didn't want to continue existing. And that the CFS was clearly an enormous exacerbat...
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Oct 16

 CFS is kicking my ass. I slept for a couple of days straight this week. Could not stop sleeping. Down in the depths. Everytime I came up, exhausted, a strong pull back into sleep. Around the clock I went. Work this week has suffered for it. Everything has suffered for it. Today I have felt stretched. Nothing is right. Existing is just suffering. There is nowhere you can sit. Nothing you can take. Nothing you can do. Not hydration. Not eating. Not resting. Nothing. Nothing helps. Sleep calls. Really strongly. The pains and headaches roll in and out. The exhaustion persists. The heaviness. Like sinking into the floor. Today I tried rallying myself by pure will. Play a game. Stream it. Force myself into a higher state. Difficult. I maintained for a few hours at a price. And then slumped. I cannot escape it.  Back to bed to rest. Sleeping in and out. And 3 hours pass like they were nothing. Like it was 10 minutes.  Exhaustedly I once again for the thousandth time wonder what...
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