Bork Slowly Borking

 Today has been rough. Flat. Exhausted. Emotionally. I have roamed far and wide over the landscape that I am intimately familiar with it. This is the flat plains of absolute exhaustion. The point where all thresholds are as low as they can get. A mental health emergency that hasn't had its trigger. Because. I know the landscape. Defensive fighting. But. Despite not melting down. I can tell I have reached bottom. A glassy black still ocean. Things occasionally shift beneath the surface. Fear inducing. These are not places you can take any solace or rest. Shadows shift in the depths. Enormous. Oil like. Slipping quickly from one place to another.  It is the bare metal of emotion without any control. Not breaking the surface by dint of studied, precarious, balance. Zen under extreme conditions. But capable. Of ending the world. It is also the mirrored edge of the abyss. Another form of it. The line. Between life and death. Dimensions stacked into the same space. A rippl...

 Slow improvement all round. Twitches down. Tinnitus down. Pains down. Weirdness down. Exhaustion... still an issue... but... not quite as bad. But it's variable. And takes very little to wind itself up into a mess. But for the moment. The trajectory is slowly and subtly better. In the bigger picture this is how it is. Down. Up. Down. Up. And each time, a little less up. Ever decreasing circles. Still. I will take improving days over declining days. But it's not cause for a celebration. Or good news. Oh it's great you're feeling a bit better ! Yeah. No. It's like congratulating someone for having a dead in 3 months notice changed to dead in 6 months. Great news ! No. In any case. I am not communicating health to anyone. Either. I am ok. Or. If I am being honest. I am shit. Perhaps a "I slept 18 hours". And that's it. I am not getting into it. I am not sure anyone truly gives a shit anyway. Which. I know. People do give a shit. But. I think. People are ...

 The pains are down a notch. Tinnitus is down a notch. Nothing extreme. Just a slight shift in the underlying base. It makes it... a little easier. But. It is still angels dancing on the head of a pin. Stuck in the 500lb gorilla. Phone call today. Faint. I was off travelling to distant worlds. I could not have got to the phone even had I wanted to. Somewhere in my machinery something noted that was probably a call. Wherever my phone was. When I had come back down to earth I checked. A call. An unknown number. Friend or random. I don't know. It. Doesn't matter. I was off. Floating across the galaxy. Asleep. I spend most of my time floating somewhere out there these days. It occurred to me today. On waking. On going through the motions of wake up, the tug of exhaustion and tiredness and all the rest of it. The suffocating deep mud of being alive. That this bit. The living bit. The real world bit. "real". Is to me the unreal bit these days. It is. The dream like bit. Or ...

 Things have got worse. Just everything a half turn of the screw worse. Noticeably. Twitches are up. Loss of feeling is up. Pains are up. Tinnitus is way up. And crept into both ears. The twitches are now a very regular thing. Typically when I am in a more relaxed state or asleep. They follow the same pattern. An involuntary spasm. Sometimes minor. Sometimes major. They can kind of occur anywhere, but legs and arms are common. Some sudden jerk of my neck or teeth or back during sleep also happens, wakes me up. I woke up at some point during sleep the other day as my left leg shot out and kicked. Not the first time. This time I managed not to kick the wall, and just swept over the top of the bedside table. I am ambivalent about them. They don't too often do me damage. Sometimes they do. In the scale of things that make my life horrible, they are a far off issue. Albeit. A very visible one that Something Is Off.  Every day has pain these days. It has been like this since, what, ...

 Yesterday was hard. And it didn't relent. All day the exhaustion was upon me. And a mild touch of brain fog. Concrete in the front of my brain. A weird headachey soup that is not a headache. That slows everything down. Everything suddenly has a notable start cost that is difficult to wade through. And then has a maintenance cost. Like swimming with concrete shoes. I use the word concrete, because it kinda feels like that, the frontal lobe, feels dense, immobile, heavy. That bit of your brain is the modern bit. With all the fancy thinking. What people would identify as "them", but really, is the obvious chatty, abstract thinking, frontman. Perhaps then it is no surprise that when it feels to me like it is full of concrete, everything associated with that bit of the brain slows down. Becomes a serious effort to initiate. I reached out to a friend late yesterday. Just. A ping. To see what they were up to. Really. Just to get them to talk even if a little. To move me from me...

 A single day after my last post saying that morning were better, they got worse. Funny. Since then I have been struggling against a slow declining slump where each day is harder than the last. You can feel it. Like sand disappearing underneath your feet with each wave that rolls in and eases out. A little less energy. A little less time. A few less hours of functionality a day. Until you're fighting for just a few hours out of the day. And that has become hard. I can feel the exhaustion linked with it. Possibly for the first time I can feel the link between the two. And the subtle increase in *weight*. Everything is harder to move. Everything takes more effort to start moving. Today I am struggling with it. Very slow. It threatens at any minute to push me under and return me to sleep. Where the day will simply pass in a blur. All I seem to be doing today is sleeping. And peeing. I haven't eaten. It doesn't seem to be making a difference lately. I will eat. I just need to.....