Posts

May 26

 Scraping along the bottom. Both mentally and physically. I seem to have fallen into a deep odd kind of depression. And the physical side is just reinforcing it strongly. No let up. A day which might promise a little lift is instead wiped out by any one of my recurring symptoms making life hard and making sure I stay on the floor. I have stopped fighting. I have stopped talking about it. The pains this last month have not been good. They have still not let up. Vicious all over pains. In the muscles. All over. They rise and fall in a day. At some points I can't manage a single step up without blinding pain. I have a step into my computer room. I stop often now before tackling it. Gather myself. And then step. Ride out the pain. And then continue. I am sleeping a lot. Often to escape symptom problems. They submerge beneath consciousness when I am asleep for the most part. And sometimes after sleep they have shifted around. Twitches are worse. Smashed my foot into the bottom of the be...
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May 15

 There is a little mental turmoil going on over the continuance of therapy. It has been pointed out to me that this might be a symptom of readjusting to something I had closure over, and then reopened. I can see the point. I'm just not sure it's right. It doesn't feel right. Perhaps it's just more of the same shifting I have been doing of late. I seem. To be less focused. On putting everyone else first. By default. Without thinking. There's a reassessment going on. Of everything. It's not particularly conscious. I am not going through with a marker pen and a checklist. It just seems to be more. Background. And fundamental. Something my cognitive bit of me is not entirely being informed about. I don't know. Perhaps it's just a symptom of something else. A disconnect. A disassociation. I seem to have stopped trying. Or. Something. Quiet. That same quiet. That has been rattling around for months. Slowly seeping out, insidious. Case in point. My sister messa...
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May 11

 Last day of therapy. No major theme. I asked what the plan was. As it was their plan. No specific plan. Uh huh. Sure. I get it. So. They talked a little about themselves. They re-iterated. With more feeling. They were  very  sad that we were ending. They would miss me. Why ? I asked in genuine incredulity.  They searched around. Because you are interesting. You are an interesting person. You are interesting to talk to. I sat with that. This sits on the fault line of one of my failings. Inability to process, feel, accept any kind of positive value called against me. I can. See. What they mean in theory. But. It doesn't land. The bit that sticks. Is still the why. Why. Like the answer given doesn't exist. No but really. Why. But there are few answers that would stop me asking that question. Because it's not about the meaning. It's about my failure to equate it properly. So the why isn't a question in the end, it's just an expression of incapability to accept a po...
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May 9

 Weird space. Quiet. That same quiet since Feb. But stronger. I can slip on a mask and be someone else for a while. But it isn't me. That deep stillness pervades. There is a sense there of. A little. Anticipation. A little excitement. A little flutter. Standing on the shore looking out across an ocean of sadness. Melancholy. It shys away from the light. Seeks the dark. The quiet. Leans away from people. I am floating. When the distractions drop to zero, I am floating in a sea of black. I feel like, I could fly away into the night. Take off. Never return. There is nothing here on the ground. Illusions. And protocols, and dances, and stacks of little wheels embedded with insecurities and confusion and mess. This is not me. It was never me. This. Feeling. This is old. This goes way back to my childhood. That same sense of quiet darkness. It mixes an odd set of emotions that on paper do not belong together. I can see all that has gone before. I can sense the sadness and grief and loss....
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May 6

 Eyes are bad today. Difficulty reading. Which makes the coding work I have been doing today more challenging than usual. But eh. At this point. I don't super need to see what I'm doing... blind chess is half my career. Still. Bad. My eyesight comes and goes. Which. Eh. In and of itself is not good. Just another one of those bullshit symptoms I suspect. I ran out of hydration salts end of last week. Been feeling it. I went out yesterday to pick some up. It definitely makes a difference. It could also explain my eyes today. They do much better with hydration salts. Part of the suspected hypovolemia dysautonomia malarkey. Therapy this week. Week 1 of 2 of our "closure process". I was ready to end it last week. But. Deferred judgement to the therapist. As the - amusing - recap. I am zen with ending it now. So. Any closure period would be about you really. No no. It's not about me. It's about you. Ok. Then I am done. Well. And consider the relationship. . . . . ( ...
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May 2

 Pains are dramatically better today. Albeit they are up and down. An hour or two of super knifey. Then it fades back down to "uncomfortable". This is part of the "smell" of this not being your typical pulled muscle or achey back. It can rise or fall dramatically in the space of a day, sometimes sticks around for weeks. It is, I strongly suspect, part of the background of an over sensitised nervous system, combined with systemic inflammation, all tied into the clown car of CFS and dysautonomia. The rise and fall of a system in motion, and constantly reacting to "attacks". Meh. In any case. Today is better. Mostly. Copeable with. Sometimes not. The exhaustion is also better. I can, rather dramatically again, now move, reach for water, get out of bed, walk around. And I don't have to think about it. I am not failing. And having to retry. The difference is bonkers. And perhaps no brainer connected. I am less. "Final". Today. The spectre of an en...
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May 1

 Exhaustion dipped hard today. It wasn't even a "terrible" day. Just. A bad one. It started... in a slightly more workable position. I got up. Tired. Sat on the computer. Slowly declined. Became very tired. And had to go back to sleep. Coming out of sleep... everything had gone very badly wrong. Hardcore exhaustion had piled on top of the tiredness.  Everything suddenly becomes incredibly difficult. Moving. Becomes a major effort. At one point. Lying on the floor of my bedroom - unable to move from that position. I reflected on the differences of this, to Tuesday when I had a "bit of energy" and went to retrieve my painting gear from Hazel. I checked myself lying on the floor. I could absolutely feel how "heavy" I was. It felt like I was trying to move a tonne in weight. With no strength. Which. Is probably about right. It's just that typically we take that kind of thing for granted. Like Tuesday. When that feels... difficult. But workable with. To...
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