Bork Slowly Borking

 Struggling to shift gears. I used to have this. Before I got ill. When I would burn  hard  on something. Those unusual occasions where all the processors whir up, all the lights flick on, and we hit a stupid high flow state. Coming down from those. Was always. Tricky. Me being me. I knew what was going on - the self diagnosing analytical processor is always watching internal metrics - but again the living of it is... interesting. In the end I compressed it down into an easy real world analogy. It's like a fly wheel. It spins up. You remove the engine powering it. But that doesn't mean it stops. It keeps going. Inertia. The natural tendency of an object to resist changes in its state of motion. This. Turns out to be not just a physics thing. But a mental and physiological thing too. But I haven't been at that level for many years now. Until recently. When I've burned again. Bad. Bad all round. But here we are. I have done my best with it the last 48 hours. Purposefully ...

 Recently everything has been a blur. Work. Sleep. Work. Sleep. Exhaustion. Squeeze some human bit in there play a chilled game. A not so chilled game. Try to be a human. For a bit. Sleep. Work. In no standard cycle. Hours here and there. Sometimes days disappear in sleep. And then. 48 hours of uptime with a 4 hour sleep in the middle. Burning.  I Should count myself somewhat "lucky" that my hydration salts are giving me just the tiniest bit of margins in order to immediately... take the piss with it. It is. A fragile dance. And I get it. I am being stupid.  But trying in the midst of it to pace myself. Ah ha ha. Listening to my CFS self. Ok. Stop. Drift for 30 minutes. You have to breathe a little. You are already red lining with a system that can't fucking red line anymore. And. You are doing the impossible. But. Try to listen. So that's what I've been doing. Andy has fallen back into a major anxiety dump pattern with me.  And the AI project has been I think its...

 The therapist called me defeated this week. Or rather. That I seemed defeated. We went through me being quiet. What that meant. What that felt like. The changes in behaviour. And finally. If I didn't know better. It felt like an end of things. I sounded defeated apparently. The session ended with the hardest stare any mental health professional has ever given me. And. I've had some stares. I've had to my face deliberations about whether to throw me in the nut house. This stare was longer than any of those. We went 5 minutes over time. That was the length of the stare. We finished on time. We didn't actually finish until 5 minutes later. I laughed half way through it. You find it funny the therapist said. There is a humour in the meta of it I said. I can see the cogs turning over in your head. I can see the pattern of it all. It is like looking at it from afar, and seeing the tiny people on stage, predictable, acting out each thought process. And. It's funny. It...

 I have been quiet. Am quiet. I do not know what's going on. I am disconnected. But not disassociating. Anxiety et al has dropped away. To. Nothing ? A numbness ? I don't know. Nothing particularly engages. I noodle around in a game. A simple loop. Do a thing. Get a thing. Simple world. Simple rewards. Simple tasks. I don't know. If I were to take a shitty guess. And it is a shitty guess. I would say. It is some odd combination. Of. Fatigue. And overload. Of giving up. Of the entire parliament of debate and exploration and everything just falling silent. Program complete. Outlook understood. But. I haven't fallen into some self destructive removal. A lot of my cognitive functions have just... packed up. And gone away. Leaving. The caretaker in charge ? Simple sweeping. Up and down the halls. Without a sense of not being challenged, bored, too simplistic. Just. Low level zen. But it isn't a comfortable quiet either. It's not some end point at peace with the world...

 Struggling health wise. Perhaps I have been overdoing it with my extra hours. Or perhaps this is just bottoming out. Or perhaps its part of finding a new normal. Whatever it is. The flu like malaise comes and goes. Head spaces out. Lost my hearing again - this time on the left side. It has returned after a day. And the twitches are massively up. I don't often talk about the twitches. Typically worse when I am resting or dozing off. Sudden jerking muscle spasms. Which. I absolutely cannot recreate consciously. Not even close. They are unnaturally "violent". Ho hum. Neuro, nerve type issues probably given their unnatural amplitude. Rats gnawing on the wiring. Mood has slumped hardcore. Work is giving me massive anxiety. The physiological switch has come back on. It sits in the pit of my stomach. Andy has been low key pressuring to get a job done. This week for the 100th time yet another issue popped up with it because of the non existent spec, non existent understanding. T...

 I have done fuck all work this week, despite some of it becoming increasingly pressing. Instead I find myself listening to the rise and fall of my well being. Thoughts of work pushed to the side. After me strongly recommending to Andy that we get some AI coding going, an AI suite has been rolled out to the developers. It's clear this is for some of them their first experience with AI coding. It aced a task one of the coders had to do. Start to finish. Done. Nothing for the fleshbag to do. I think it's going to destroy the programming side of the industry. And as is often the case. IT ends up being the canary in the cage. So it goes with IT. So it ends up with the rest of society. All knowledge based intellectual work is going to evaporate. From lawyers to project managers. From writers to programmers. It's just a matter of time. And not much time at that. It's going to upset a large chunk of economic stability. But I don't think there will be a nice neat transition...