Bork Slowly Borking

 Hello blog. I often don't have the energy to do this anymore. Or have much to say that is new. But that's not it. It's not about having new things to say at all, it's that the underlying thing itself, the defeat, has turned off the lights. But here I am. Today was thin. So super thin. I am. Somewhat surprised I am still here. Very thin. It doesn't even feel like an issue anymore. It feels like an overwhelming no choice situation. Staying feels like the horrible thing. Not the leaving. But here I am. The fistula is back. For the fourth time. I should probably tell someone about this. Have yet another round of surgery. I have to say the overwhelming feeling in me is to just let it do its thing. And to be clear. It will end up killing me one way or another. But eh. I will. Wait a while. And see. Maybe mention it. Run the whole palaver around again. The wait. The poke. The longer wait. The further poke. The even longer wait. Then surgery. Albeit last time the surgeon d...

 Things are difficult. Difficult above the usual difficult. The tinnitus is much worse. It has been getting worse for a few months. This last week. Worst of all. Loud. Above the TV. Above a game. Above everything. A constant squeal. That is impossible to ignore. I have used a fan for years at this point as a source of whitenoise in my bedroom. The tinnitus now drowns it out. It is. Adding. More pressure. To a pretty grim existence. No peace. Not sure. How long I can put up with it. And everything else. It has definitely pushed me into a much more final dark place. There is no escape. I have heard a long time ago that tinnitus can drive people crazy at its worst. I understood that in theory at one point. Now I get it in practice. Perhaps. I just need to wait it out. Let my brain. Acclimatise to the new awful level its at. If it can. Perhaps related. Perhaps not. The tingles in the left side of my face have crept back in. A few ants dancing on my face at times. Perhaps it is a sign s...

 Hmm. Exulansis - (neologism, rare) Resignation to stop talking about an experience, because others cannot relate to it.  https://thepracticalpsych.com/blog/exulansis  

 Today has been rough. Flat. Exhausted. Emotionally. I have roamed far and wide over the landscape that I am intimately familiar with it. This is the flat plains of absolute exhaustion. The point where all thresholds are as low as they can get. A mental health emergency that hasn't had its trigger. Because. I know the landscape. Defensive fighting. But. Despite not melting down. I can tell I have reached bottom. A glassy black still ocean. Things occasionally shift beneath the surface. Fear inducing. These are not places you can take any solace or rest. Shadows shift in the depths. Enormous. Oil like. Slipping quickly from one place to another.  It is the bare metal of emotion without any control. Not breaking the surface by dint of studied, precarious, balance. Zen under extreme conditions. But capable. Of ending the world. It is also the mirrored edge of the abyss. Another form of it. The line. Between life and death. Dimensions stacked into the same space. A rippl...

 Slow improvement all round. Twitches down. Tinnitus down. Pains down. Weirdness down. Exhaustion... still an issue... but... not quite as bad. But it's variable. And takes very little to wind itself up into a mess. But for the moment. The trajectory is slowly and subtly better. In the bigger picture this is how it is. Down. Up. Down. Up. And each time, a little less up. Ever decreasing circles. Still. I will take improving days over declining days. But it's not cause for a celebration. Or good news. Oh it's great you're feeling a bit better ! Yeah. No. It's like congratulating someone for having a dead in 3 months notice changed to dead in 6 months. Great news ! No. In any case. I am not communicating health to anyone. Either. I am ok. Or. If I am being honest. I am shit. Perhaps a "I slept 18 hours". And that's it. I am not getting into it. I am not sure anyone truly gives a shit anyway. Which. I know. People do give a shit. But. I think. People are ...

 The pains are down a notch. Tinnitus is down a notch. Nothing extreme. Just a slight shift in the underlying base. It makes it... a little easier. But. It is still angels dancing on the head of a pin. Stuck in the 500lb gorilla. Phone call today. Faint. I was off travelling to distant worlds. I could not have got to the phone even had I wanted to. Somewhere in my machinery something noted that was probably a call. Wherever my phone was. When I had come back down to earth I checked. A call. An unknown number. Friend or random. I don't know. It. Doesn't matter. I was off. Floating across the galaxy. Asleep. I spend most of my time floating somewhere out there these days. It occurred to me today. On waking. On going through the motions of wake up, the tug of exhaustion and tiredness and all the rest of it. The suffocating deep mud of being alive. That this bit. The living bit. The real world bit. "real". Is to me the unreal bit these days. It is. The dream like bit. Or ...