Posts

Sep 16

 There are things in life, being a human, that will never sit right with me. That at this point, seems fairly evident. Everytime I see a photo of Athena that fact is as fresh and raw as ever. I do not like the world works that way. And Athena is gone. This is how the world works. This is how the universe with its myriad of energies and forms, and eventual meta of biological evolution sits at its resting point on this planet. Tiny short lived bursts of stable patterns that decay into nothing. The patterns are nothing short of miraculous. Wondrous. Living, breathing, self aware, sentient experiencers of joy, pain, watchers of the stars. The fact that this creates and destroys over and over. A constant line of creation of beauty, destruction of beauty is something I cannot accept. I am at odds with reality. The unreasonable man. But larger than that. Than just beautiful Athena. Suffering. In general. There are aspects of life I do not like. Beyond all my usual horseshit of living a fa...
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Sep 12

 Still here. Variable per day. The tinnitus is now stuck on permanently over the top whine. But. I am learning to sleep with it better. Sleeping a lot. Often times sleep takes me really deep. I feel terrible waking up in the middle of those deep patches. Everything inside of me is ringing alarm bells. Feel very ill somewhere in my core. Sluggish. Foggy. And there is a .... "sucking"... as I try to wake up. Like a reverse pressure in my core. Hard to explain. A strain. A vacuum. Sometimes I don't seem to go as deep. And the path out of that is easier. No horrible wrongness. I've been missing my mutts especially badly of late. And thinking about that. That it never goes away. I feel very much like a plague carrier. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to inflict myself upon them. Stay away. Leave me alone. Let me just disappear in peace. I have streamed a game lately. A different persona. One that is... mostly... focused only on the positive. It is so in...
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Sep 8

 Hello blog. I often don't have the energy to do this anymore. Or have much to say that is new. But that's not it. It's not about having new things to say at all, it's that the underlying thing itself, the defeat, has turned off the lights. But here I am. Today was thin. So super thin. I am. Somewhat surprised I am still here. Very thin. It doesn't even feel like an issue anymore. It feels like an overwhelming no choice situation. Staying feels like the horrible thing. Not the leaving. But here I am. The fistula is back. For the fourth time. I should probably tell someone about this. Have yet another round of surgery. I have to say the overwhelming feeling in me is to just let it do its thing. And to be clear. It will end up killing me one way or another. But eh. I will. Wait a while. And see. Maybe mention it. Run the whole palaver around again. The wait. The poke. The longer wait. The further poke. The even longer wait. Then surgery. Albeit last time the surgeon d...
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Sep 1

 Things are difficult. Difficult above the usual difficult. The tinnitus is much worse. It has been getting worse for a few months. This last week. Worst of all. Loud. Above the TV. Above a game. Above everything. A constant squeal. That is impossible to ignore. I have used a fan for years at this point as a source of whitenoise in my bedroom. The tinnitus now drowns it out. It is. Adding. More pressure. To a pretty grim existence. No peace. Not sure. How long I can put up with it. And everything else. It has definitely pushed me into a much more final dark place. There is no escape. I have heard a long time ago that tinnitus can drive people crazy at its worst. I understood that in theory at one point. Now I get it in practice. Perhaps. I just need to wait it out. Let my brain. Acclimatise to the new awful level its at. If it can. Perhaps related. Perhaps not. The tingles in the left side of my face have crept back in. A few ants dancing on my face at times. Perhaps it is a sign s...
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Aug 29

 Hmm. Exulansis - (neologism, rare) Resignation to stop talking about an experience, because others cannot relate to it.  https://thepracticalpsych.com/blog/exulansis  
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Aug 28

 Today has been rough. Flat. Exhausted. Emotionally. I have roamed far and wide over the landscape that I am intimately familiar with it. This is the flat plains of absolute exhaustion. The point where all thresholds are as low as they can get. A mental health emergency that hasn't had its trigger. Because. I know the landscape. Defensive fighting. But. Despite not melting down. I can tell I have reached bottom. A glassy black still ocean. Things occasionally shift beneath the surface. Fear inducing. These are not places you can take any solace or rest. Shadows shift in the depths. Enormous. Oil like. Slipping quickly from one place to another.  It is the bare metal of emotion without any control. Not breaking the surface by dint of studied, precarious, balance. Zen under extreme conditions. But capable. Of ending the world. It is also the mirrored edge of the abyss. Another form of it. The line. Between life and death. Dimensions stacked into the same space. A rippl...
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Aug 9

 Slow improvement all round. Twitches down. Tinnitus down. Pains down. Weirdness down. Exhaustion... still an issue... but... not quite as bad. But it's variable. And takes very little to wind itself up into a mess. But for the moment. The trajectory is slowly and subtly better. In the bigger picture this is how it is. Down. Up. Down. Up. And each time, a little less up. Ever decreasing circles. Still. I will take improving days over declining days. But it's not cause for a celebration. Or good news. Oh it's great you're feeling a bit better ! Yeah. No. It's like congratulating someone for having a dead in 3 months notice changed to dead in 6 months. Great news ! No. In any case. I am not communicating health to anyone. Either. I am ok. Or. If I am being honest. I am shit. Perhaps a "I slept 18 hours". And that's it. I am not getting into it. I am not sure anyone truly gives a shit anyway. Which. I know. People do give a shit. But. I think. People are ...
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