Bork Slowly Borking

 Health has deteroriated. Yesterday was the worst yet. Had a "bad turn" in the afternoon which I had to sleep for. Whislt trying to sleep both my arms went dead from the elbow down. Eyes hollowed out. Felt absolutely awful. Everythung hurt. This wasn't an apnea thing. I was awake. Aware. It was so bad I realised that, this, was kind of it. Athena has been a long emotional and stressful distraction from my health shit that was precarious back in December. It has not miraculously improved in that time. And now the shock of Athena has quietened down, and perhaps a price is being asked of the last few months on top of my already shit health. We are, I think, exactly where we are. I got up. Like the dead. And went and had a slow and shit chat with Hazel. That. I didn't think I was gonna make it for long. Not being funny. Not being dramatic. Just. Heads up. It's really bad. She was unhappy. And angry. But didn't quite take it out on me. She convinced me to go see a

Lots of pain. The all over body pain hilarity is biting very hard these last two days. Somewhere in the small hours of the morning it is at its worst. Everything is sharp muscle pain, and top half of torso is where it's at its worst. Breath stealing knives. This is the same shit that has been dogging me for years at this point. It comes and goes at random, sometimes sticks for months, years, sometimes a single day. I think, guess, inflammation is massively spiking in me at the moment. One of those all round inflammation things. My eyes have been bad as well. This morning I was actually pulled out of sleep screeching because it felt like someone had stabbed my eye on top of the burning sensation. I mean. Ok. It just sounds like shit is getting steadily worse, n'est pas ? Sigh. Life aint worth it for me. Yesterday I had a ragey rant at Andy. Straw that broke the camels back. The devs were poised to do something really stupid on one of our large clients databases. Lazy. Ugly. Perf

 Worked for two thirds of the day today. Don't think I should have been working. The day was stacked with annoyances. Whilst it did provide some distraction, I am not sure it did anything for the overall what's the point of life malaise. It just underscored that doing everyone elses shit for them, to get other people rich, was absolutely not my point of life. That stuff used to be a means to an end. Now. It is not. Today Andy had a semi emergency. One of the clients sites was no longer working. Given it to our dev yesterday. But doubted he could get to the bottom of it. Without looking I diagnosed it. It's a date issue. Because it's a financial new year. You've not updated the new tax rates et al. No he said. He had updated it. Sent it to the client to confirm. Are you sure you've updated the data ? Because 99% it's either missing, or its been put it fucked up. Yes it has been done. Are you sure ? Yes. Three times. I took the first step to diagnosis knowing

 I have spent a reasonable amount of time just putting some memories of both Ares and Athena into a document. Somewhere on the interwebs. This blog. For as long as its around. Oddly I don't have many pictures of them in their prime. Very very few. Very few of anything. I didn't take any of them in those days. Why would I. I don't need pictures or videos. And they will be around forever. Right ? It was only towards their latter years did I start regularly taking pictures of them. Aware of the looming loss date. The pictures and recall have dragged up many memories for me. And also starting to sort through pictures of both of them. It is dramatic to see their decline. The last 12 - 24 months of life how they suddenly deterioriate. I watched some clips of Athena just from 2 years ago and the difference was stark. It is awful what time does. And how short it is. I can also see some of the same ravaging in me over that time period. Time has not been kind to me these last few yea

 I thought I wrote something about Ares at the time of his passing. Perhaps I did not. Caught in grief. I can't find anything. Ares Frasiers Word aka Ares aka Mr Ares aka Little Man March 2010 - 13 August 2021 11 years 5 months Tiny Ares weeks old, 2010   Ares was a chilled big guy of a boxer. More than anything else he wanted a cuddle from you, to be close. And was always very happy, tail wagging, bum wiggling. He would follow me around like a shadow. Always there. Always wanting to be part of everything. He was gentle and loving despite his size and strength, and he loved his food. Ares was never any hassle with things dogs are usually a hassle with. Calm. Zen. With one exception. His relationship with unknown dogs was always a problem. Random. Sometimes fine. Sometimes not fine. He was trained to a sharp edge as a result. He was, as I always described him, the perfect apocalypse dog. Loyal and fearless to a fault. Protective. Easy going. And very strong. Ares was born somewhere

I started writing this. And it just turned into one long crawl. So. The summary here of her spirit. And then. The crawl through all the things I can remember. Athena Decembers Shadow. Aka Athena Ballerina. Aka Beautiful Girl. Aka Stinker. Aka Lady Loo. Aka Baby girl. 31-December-2009 to 10th May 2024. 14 Years, 4 Months, 10 days. Athena was a soul without peer. Crazy energy even for a boxer. She was strong and fast and loved to explore and to play fight. Like all boxers a comedian. Silly and fun. Cheeky. Everything was always amazing to her. But it was her mind and personality that were very different. Endless fearless curiosity and confidence that would get her into trouble when she was younger. And very smart. Those things went hand in hand. The smarts. And the curiosity. Always an independent mind - when she was younger, incredibly independent that needed some curbing -  she had a plan, an idea, and she would lead, not follow, and loved to figure things out. She relied on being sma