Bork Slowly Borking

 Much better afternoon yesterday. Bounced up somewhat. Forced myself out to take Athena on a walk, and after that, was in an alright place all round, albeit, walked around the place with a very suspect stomach. By the evening, I was alright. Didn't eat. Which. Might have helped. I was talking to D in the evening about his work and our sometimes chats about the shape of society. This is the guy who runs a charity. I find talks with him can be really interesting and, actually make a difference. You're not talking about airy fairy theoreticals - well ok, sometimes you are - but more down to earth practical, how to help people, how that works in a late stage capitalist society and yada blah. I have to say at times I become really enthused about what he's doing and his attitude. I feel like being introduced to him has definitely... made a connection with me that was missing. I admire him for what he's doing, very selfless - arguably somewhat destructively so - but the how he

 Difficult day yesterday. And I felt the queasiest I have so far, to the point, eh, can't ignore it. No bueno. So perhaps this is two sides of a similar coin. Come off the meds - have the whateveritisprobablyulcer - flare up. Stay on the meds have whateveritisprobablyIBS flare up. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't. My mood has tanked. I haven't gone insane. At least not yet. But I am pretty far down the depression spiral. My meds are combatting it. Struggling to right the ship back to neutral numb out. So. I'm not down the spiral and getting deeper. This is unusual. Typically after I've been on the meds I can't get this far down. Hmm. Who knows. Admittedly feeling sick and a bunch of other symptoms do have the capacity to - gasp - not make you happy. Ha ha. See, I can laugh. Not all lost. The docs got back to me. Moved the date. So. Few weeks to wait for that. See how we do. I've got an uneasy scratch at the moment that I am neglecting everyone. Just

 See. This is why my intellectual problem solving brain for all its cleverness capabilities can go just get fucked.  Today dropped like a hammer. No reason. No dreams. Or mood swings. Or events. Nothing. Today has felt like cloying miserable treacle. Everything feels off. Don't feel great in a general kind of way. No energy. Uncaring. Low level misery. I went back to bed. And stayed there for most of the day. Got up feeling equally shit again. No budging. A permanent shitty cloud over my personal space. So I did the washing up. Back ached. Got the trembles. What the fuck. Mmm. You can't outhink it Johnny. You can't placate it. Negotiate with it. Rage at it. Shit will do as shit will do. Everyone has good ideas. Do this. Do that. You should just <insert thing I've already done>. Heh. Ugh. Today I am tired. Perhaps it's all the work I did this week. I doubt it. But maybe. Maybe brainpowering for an extended period of time kicks the ever loving shit out of me now

The days go by, similar pattern. Not super ill. A tad queasy rolling around the day. But nothing like it was. Sleeping seems to be improving, so, maybe my system is indeed getting a bit of equilibrium back after being off the pills. The queasy seems to be expanding slowly per day. A different queasy to what came before last week. Meh. I suspect I am just flicking switches on or off, with neither a great fit. Not heard back from the GP about a different appointment day. I suspect I have once again been lost between the cracks. I am not sure I can be bothered chasing them. I seem to be the only one actually doing shit regarding my health. So. Eh. Passport service sent me an email. Submission is stuck. Need someone to verify who I am. All in all this has been an absolute slam dunk. Both passport and driving licence were applied for with the pre-approved service, all details filed, professionals carried it out. Result. Fucked up in both. Amazing. I don't blame the Post Office for this.

 Not too bad a day again yesterday, although that being said I was again more than a little queasy in the afternoon. But eh. Still on the right side of the line. Just about. Hmmm. Slept a little better - perhaps the whole stomach thing is beginning to normalize.. maybe... - but a few sneezes and itchy mouth means.. mmm... perhaps the summer pollen is here. On the whole. Pretty good. I dreamt of Ares yet again last night. Twice. Two different dreams. No sadness this time. Just overwhelming relief he was back. Felt very real. Again didn't question the how. Just glad he was back. I gave him lots of hugs. If you were that way inclined you might imagine he comes to visit me in my sleep. If you're not that way inclined you can imagine it's me unable to let him go and or an expression of just how much he meant to me. I can only imagine how hard it must be for some people who lose their spouse after a life lived together. And is no doubt a factor in why it can be the case that one

 Another alright day yesterday. I had some chocolate in the afternoon... felt a litttttlllleeee queasy with it. Uh huh. And today my stomach has been. Eh. Alright. Slightly sulky. But eh. Ok. I am monitoring it closely. Stomach acid is definitely up. Oh yes. Oh boy. Had a bit of heartburn last night in fact. Uh huh. Figures. I did indeed take some ant acid before bed. Not sure if it made a huge difference. Felt like I slept a little better, but still woke up from an enormous depth. Hmmmm. Went for a walk with Athena today - she was popping about the house, full of beans, ready for an out and about. Managed to twist my ankle pretty badly whilst on the walk, lurch forwards and collide with a fence. Good work. It's been a number of years since I turned my ankle or fell over. It used to be a fairly regular occurrence. Every 6 months or so. On my ass. Or a fucked up rolled ankle. I used to do a lot more dog walking back then. But it wasn't always in the company of dogs. Long story s

 Arguably my best day for quite a while yesterday. The general nausea and feeling ill has not returned, by and large, so far. Woke up today feeling like I hadn't really slept again however. Uh huh. Interesting. If it IS related to the whole stomach acid thing, I wonder if taking a shot of ant acid before sleep would help ? Another experiment to try. I got offered a free pup yesterday. Newborn mastiff. Mother rejected them. And all of them signed over to the vets. The owner had brought the mom in, needed a cesarean section, couldn't afford it, asked for the 2 year old mom to be put down instead. People can be shitbags. The vet - my friend - was unwilling to do so. Sign over the dog to the vets, they'd do the rest - but you no longer own this dog.. or its pups. The owner did, walked off. She relayed this all to me. Sent me happy pictures of pups and mom. Did I want one. Cute, but no. And it upset me. That people could be that much of a callous bunch of shitbags. It smelled to

 An alright day yesterday. No major feelings of ill, and, I ate a bunch of random crap. "Random". Low on the bread. Low on the fiber. Avoiding pepper and yada. Ate later than earlier. Still off the stomach meds. So far, so maintenance-ish. Not sure if it's a coincidence, but since stopping my stomach meds I wake up a lot more rough. It feels like my quality of sleep has tanked. Too short to tell if its just a coincidence, or maybe without those meds it affects my sleep. Uh huh. Didn't do shit yesterday. No chores. No art. Nada. Played some games. Watched a movie. Went for a super short walk around the block with Athena to post my stupid licence. Fourth day on the trot for a walk. She was very happy to go out. But literally, 300 yards through the walk. Ohh. I'm tired. Uh huh. It's a super short 400 yard walk old lady, we're good. No super perfect answer here, she likes being out and walking, but, just like me in some ways, the mind is willing, the body, eh,

 Not quite another 24 hour fast, 22 hour this time. Ehh. Close enough. Still feeling mostly ok nausea and ill wise. Don't get me wrong here. There are lights that flash on and off. Weird blips. And all sorts of shenanigans, but by and large, they are copeable with. And it's a marked improvement on feeling utterly garbage. So yesterday I did all the things. Got some groceries. Filled in the form. Took Athena for a nice walk ( pushing my luck here as that's back to back walking 3 days on a trot, which, she's happy to go out for, but you can see her stamina flatlines super quick ). And for a period of around 45 minutes yesterday I felt like my old self. No ill. No crap. No mental fog. I could feel the nice day. Everything was - just about - on the right side of sane. Oh. Boy. It's hard to describe the difference. Night and day. It's like. Oh. Wow. This is what normal feels like. Holy shit. This is amazing. And then slowly, subtly as the minutes trip by it fades. T

 Another day, another 24 hour fast cycle. Felt pretty much alright, none of the nausea or other bullshit. But ehhhh. A few neurological blips. This is undoubtedly the come down from mental meds - it's a known thing you can "blip" or "zap", which, if you've not experienced it, is, weird, but, something like getting zapped between the eyes with electricity. For a tiny moment everything intensifies and stutters, a fraction of a second, like suddenly turning up the volume and light on something to max, then putting it back to where it should be. It's slightly disorientating and not a super pleasant experience, but, you get used to it. I have found in the past I used to get a very similar effect when incredibly tired after a massive bout of back to back IT hours, or, sleep deprivation. I suspect your "consciousness" blips out for a very short moment. Kind of like going to sleep whilst awake. And then it snaps back on. And you get that, whoa, what ju

 24 hours, no major ill feeling. Gasp ! How !? Well, that's easy. I didn't eat. Or take any meds. That sounds like a temporary solution. Quitters talk. Eh in all seriousness I did eat, but only in the evening, chicken salad wrap, garlic bread. No ill effects. With bread. Wheaty products. But as for eating in the day - nothing at all . Zip. Zero. Nada. Tea and water. So yeah. A bit of a fasting cycle thing, again. And undershooting my calories by a fair margin, but eh. I'm ok. Like some fat cow, I typically drop weight very slowly. Apocalypse metabolism. I sometimes think I could probably get away without eating for literally weeks and still be ok. Obviously untested. And science tells me that's wrong. But eh. What does science know, pfft. ( Actually about diet and metabolism, surprisingly fuck all that isn't just hunches and untested bullshit ). I'll tell you what I do know. 1200 calories a day for me is not far off maintenance diet. Which. Is not what science r

 Somewhat ill yesterday, despite no food shenanigans. Ho hum. Perhaps I am in a triggered state. Perhaps not. Perhaps its just all fucked up. Misery. So. The nephew has called off coming down. Probably for the best given I can't stay well for more than 12 hours at the moment. I feel pretty incapable at the moment of doing anything. Also got a letter through the door today. From some of my official paperwork. The DVLA. Apologies they say. The photo the post office took was taken too far away. We've binned your application. Do it again. Manually. Here's a paper form. Take another photo. And no you can't do it again via the post office, because you did that once already ( ??? ) Sorry, they say. We'll refund you £4 of your fee though. ... Right. Because it's the £4 that is the real struggle here. I don't accept the apology. Worth the paper it's written on. By a machine. From a text file. In a similar vein to the automated apologies the railways give out. Utt

 Ill yesterday. Unexpectedly. So because over the last few days my carb intake has kind of plummeted, by mid morning I was actually hungry. I infrequently get hungry, more than often, I get a twinge, then nothing. Hence why fasting is typically so easy for me. I can't feel it. Anywho. If I cut back on carbs this isn't quite as true. I get properly hungry. Carbs, and in particular bread and pasta turn out to stuff you pretty seriously. So by mid morning, uncharacteristically I made myself something to eat. What to eat though. Breakfast kinda cereals - out. Bread - out. Avoiding Rice. Don't want to overdose on eggs. Mmm k. Beginning to become tricky. So mid morning there I am eating an apple followed by chicken and potatoes. Ok. I mean. Weird stuff to eat for brunch. But ok. Roll on afternoon. Feeling ok still. At about 2pm already getting hungry again ( huh, is this how most people operate, how crappy ), I ate 2 oaty biscuits and a 2 finger kit kat with a cup of tea. 3pm I t

 Feelings of being ill mostly avoided so far. If you're looking hard then maybe a tiny touch of it today after eating.. potatoes.. chicken. But pretty much zero. No bread. Or fibre. Mmm k. Not stabby sad today. Just. Numb, I think. Which is eh, ok. Situation Normal. I dreamed of Ares. Dreamed he was brought back to life. This must be the third or fourth time I have had that dream. Always wildly different, but the core theme is the same. Ares is back alive. Somehow. This time around, in really freaky dream like ways, he was alive because of some.. miracle transfusion. Which turned out to be some alien malarkey. Which some alien kid died for. Ok. Dark. Anywho. It would seem even at a fundamental sub conscious level, I can't let go of him. And as I've kinda concluded before. I dont think I ever will. Those dreams. Eh. Kind of fuck me up. Because they are very real. And it's just a reminder that he's missing when I wake up. I was ok with it this morning. Fine. Get on. D

 Odd day today. Pretty damn good. Highs. And then lows. Complicated. I dragged myself out of bed this morning for an early walk with Athena and Monika around abouts the UEA. I didn't end up sleeing til gone 4am, so, a 9am start was oof. Still. Nice walk. With one of my favourite people. We talked about her job, her ongoing therapy, and her upcoming wedding. And my diet. And a general smoosh of things. Athena was on good form, several trips to the river, and a number of exemplary older lady polite greetings of other younger excitable pups. And no feeling ill. My day of withdrawal yesterday seems to have done some good. And I have stayed off the bread entirely, wholemeal or otherwise. And avoided fibre in general. I feel a good deal better. Came home and have noodled with art all day. A lot of it fruitlessly, but it hasn't frustrated me or dented my enthusiasm. A number of hours spent chasing my tail over Just The Right kind of texture and getting nowhere, but, it was ok. I dunno

 Wipe out. Fairly hefty bout of feeling ill yesterday. Came on as the afternoon rolled around, stuck with me until mid evening. Not good. Not cool. Felt very rough at times. Meh. Ok. What's going on ? What did I eat ? Not a lot. Couple of eggs. One apple. Four slices of homemade wholemeal bread. In fact. The only conspicuous thing in my diet is the fact I ate half a loaf of homemade wholemeal bread over 2 days. And then felt ill. Could be a coincidence. I dont think it is. Earlier in the week I had already had eggs - but this time with small white rolls, for no ill effect. So it's not the eggs. Hum ho. I have rescheduled the whole nephew weekend thing to next week. Hopefully I will feel better. Today I have been feeling half sorry for myself, not feeling well, and noodling with some art with some napping in between. And I am not super up for eating. Brother is up in Norwich for a weekend ish. Pinged him late in the afternoon to see if he was up for a walk. No. Getting ready to

 Yesterday I sorted out a webpage for the charity. Cool stuff. Also, wordpress sucks ass. I mean. It's cool if you don't know what you're doing. If you do know what you're doing it's a massive pain in the ass. Save me from "simplified" site inputs and endless "plugin" bullshit. Went for a lovely walk with the old lady yesterday. Sun was out. Trees are crazy green and growing - a perfect mix of sun and rain lately, so, everything green is going gangbusters. We met a whole bunch of people and pooches. Athena was an exemplary citizen. A very chilled older lady. It was nice. You get a sense of peace with it all. I am so hardwired to dogs it's nuts. Part of my DNA. Whilst walking around the trees I became mesmerised by the high canopy and emerald green swaying in the breeze. This is a thing for me. You can hypnotise me with trees ( or clouds ). And I remembered how in school I was always punished for staring out the window at trees. I can remember

 Work is done for the week. Second week into this new schedule. It's interesting. I basically just about get started into work, then I'm done. It doesn't really let me build up any long term baggage stress. It actually feels a little bit too short. Then again. The thought of increasing work and doing 3 days a week fills me with a surprisingly strong level of Fuck No. I think I'm just getting used to it is all. But it definitely seems. Better. Now. I am the guy that turns up does a bit and goes. I am no longer Atlas making sure the world remains in place. Y'all gotta do shit without me. That being said. Yesterday was an increasingly deep and dark rabbit hole into a former devs work, that turned out to be a nightmare. Duplicating records. Untested code. And shit that just didn't work at all once you got past the first obvious bug and it actually executed code.. that blew a fuse. Big yikes. Architectually also an absolute pigs dinner. And this was from a dev with a

 Bobbing along feeling vaguely unwell with small fits of normalcy squeezed inbetween. Meh. I posted what I thought was a funny on point meme today on facebook. This in fact : Good stuff. It illicited sympathy. Oh. I've seen people refer to this - in more dark humoured ways, about coming out with suicide jokes, or depression memes, or something along those lines and actually horrifying people instead of getting the expected response of ha, yes, or some shit. And then the whole, ah, wait, I need to make a normal joke after that so you know it's ok. It's all a bit twisty. Navigating the perils of the Other View Point. Personally I love depression memes and dark humour about mental health stuff. Relatable. And funny. It's like stand up but for neuro atypicals. When I posted that, I thought it was funny. But in a perfect twist of fate, immediately after posting it, I saw a picture of someones boxer 2 hours before "crossing the rainbow bridge", and then saw a pictu

 Struggle bus ! Woop woop ! Struggle bus ! A general air of struggle over the last few days. It's weird though. It blips. For a few hours I will be eh, ok. And then I wont be. At points in the last few days I have bit bottom hard. Super. Fucking. Hard. Very bleak. Suicidal. Big yikes. Don't worry. It's just.. thinking. And then. I will blip out into merely... numb.. or miserable. Or some shit. Ha ha. It's fun. And exciting. The world seems often .. just a little bit off to me. I can't. Quite. Relate. *Everything* is off. A road. A tree. A car. Driving. A plant in a crack in the pavement. A piece of litter. How someone parked. It's all. Off. Surreal. It all feels.. perpendicular to where it should be. A weird sense of alienation. Hmm. Not good. Some serious mental fuckery there. Forms of disassociation. The only way I can really explain it. Is. You know when you attend some social function. Whatever. A meeting. A BBQ. A party. Guests. Whatever. And there is possi

 Blerp. Spent a good portion of yesterday feeling ill. I haven't eaten anything spectacularly obviously bad, however... Had bran fibre flakes for lunch.. couple of hours later... blerp. Not great. At all. Hmm. Combined with the wholemeal bread, I'm wondering if it's a fibre thing. Too much makes me feel shit ? And certain other kinds of food make me feel shit ? Meh. I can feel my .. whatever... being worn down by this. My mood. Beginning to become... despondent. If not downright miserable. It's an arse. Sooo. Don't think I will be in an eating mood today. Gonna go.. zero.. or very light. I guess. Experimentation wise. I could try high fibre and low fibre similar foods. Rule in or out the whole fibre thing. If. I can motivate myself. See above. My mindset isn't the greatest... .. all round. Definitely on a downward spiral at the moment. A bumpy ride, sometimes a bit better, sometimes a lot worse, trending.. down. I am considering shutting off from news for a whil

 Work is done for the week. Well. The paid work. Unpaid work beckons. It was alright. Although. Yesterday, of course, end of day, tasks were tried to be squeezed in. With a small touch of emotional blackmail at the end. But no. It has to wait til next week now. I think maybe it will concentrate minds to be more efficient with my time, rather than waste it. Despite me spending an extra day before my time off to get a bit of work done and available to test, I was not entirely surprised to find that no, no one could be arsed to do it in that month. "Couldn't schedule a time together". Right. In a month. Sure. So all hustle my end get it done. When the buck lands at the other end of the pitch. Eh. Yeah. Can't be bothered. Can we just wait til you come back. Uh huh. Good to know. There is a realisation in there that there is a pattern of do do do, go go go, for me, with a dose of emotional blackmail, but in the end, it's clearly not that important, and something that e