May 25

 Not too bad a day again yesterday, although that being said I was again more than a little queasy in the afternoon. But eh. Still on the right side of the line. Just about. Hmmm.

Slept a little better - perhaps the whole stomach thing is beginning to normalize.. maybe... - but a few sneezes and itchy mouth means.. mmm... perhaps the summer pollen is here.

On the whole. Pretty good.

I dreamt of Ares yet again last night. Twice. Two different dreams. No sadness this time. Just overwhelming relief he was back. Felt very real. Again didn't question the how. Just glad he was back. I gave him lots of hugs. If you were that way inclined you might imagine he comes to visit me in my sleep. If you're not that way inclined you can imagine it's me unable to let him go and or an expression of just how much he meant to me.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for some people who lose their spouse after a life lived together. And is no doubt a factor in why it can be the case that one follows the other quite quickly. It seems to indicate people can die - for want of a better expression - of a broken heart. I get it.

Achieved a whole bunch of stuff for work yesterday. Today. I am drifting. Pushed into the background again. Subdued and quiet. The macro of it looms over the micro of it - issues to fix, things to do. There are Always Issues to Fix. And Things To Do. Where is the progress or meaning. There isn't any. Which is pretty ridiculous, it's just fixing things my dude. But still. In the greater macro of it. That awareness of the honey bee just going round and round in circles. To the bees each problem is the worst, the must do, oh my god. In reality. Eh. Just another day.

I think I'm reaching that point in life where I become a hermit and just occupy myself with making trivial toys in my rickety tower in a forgotten pocket of the world. It sounds nice.

Plan for today. Work. Of course. Meh. Which I am not in the mood for. And I want to get cracking on art noodling again. It's been a few days where I haven't dipped in. Most of this art is, of course, game related. It's pretty much all game related. But. I am approaching it low key, low burn, enjoying the ride. Not some fucked up milestone returns target bullshit. I'm not into things for the Quarterly Report. And woe be unto you if that's your life. There are better happier ways to spend your time. There is a beautiful zen in this. Opposite to the bullshit on fire world we have at the moment. If you're looking for patterns for life, the current world can teach you a lot about what not to fucking do and very little on what you should be doing.

I read the other day about Nietzsche being into lento. Which Is italian for slowly. He was talking about slow reading ( and slow writing in his case ). But he relates it back as a couter weight to the "modern" fascination with doing things ever more quickly. Here's a snippet :

"....in the midst of an age of " work " , that is to say , of hurry , of indecent and perspiring haste , which wants to " get everything done " at once , including every old or new book :— this art does not so easily get anything done , it teaches to read WELL , that is to say , to read slowly , deeply , looking cautiously before and aft , with reservations , with doors left open , with delicate eyes and fingers"

You could easily apply that to much of modern life. Since his time things have only become more frantic.

It also, when you step back from it, starts to lean into the whole zen, go with the flow, be at peace, meditation, just chill malarkey.

I think there is some deep wisdom in there, it pops up in varying forms across cultures, across history. I think it's a recurring truth.

Be zen. Slow down. Smell the roses.