Feb 29

 Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed.

Very sketchy.

I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping.

Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea.

I went back to sleep.

Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful. On the way home I figured I might be running out of paracetamol as Athena is now on a steady diet of the stuff. And milk would probably be an idea, as Hazel drinks quite a bit.

Again. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do groceries. I wanted to go home. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to close the door. Bury myself in a hole. Slam it shut. And never come out.

I went grocery shopping.

Came back. Athena and Hazel were getting up. Carried Athena downstairs. Made sure she was ok. She had lunch.

And then I gave in. And went back to bed. And slept.

The rest of my day has been sparse.

A little food. Carried Athena upstairs for the night. TV. Anxiety.

I told Hazel my anxiety was bad. She told me to breathe. In through the nose. Hold it. Out through the mouth. I know the routine. It doesn't help she said. But it makes you light headed. It helped a little.

I am in a state of high alert. I am aware things are epically shit. I am aware inside I have fallen to pieces. An unnatural auto pilot takes over at times to get things done that need to be done. I am just waiting for time to pass. Barely coping with each day.