Bork Slowly Borking

 Think I might post here less frequently now. Seem to have got into a fairly predictable pattern healthwise. Tingles are oh so slowly fading. I am learning not to push it - in fact I'm taking a week off next week. Almost unprecedented. Weakness comes and goes. Repeated headaches have been a feature of late that can morph into tingles. Uh huh. Been talking to a couple of people about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Their experiences with it ring horribly true for me. It gives me some reassurance however to know a bit more. I still find it hard to accept the wishy washy diagnosis. But. Eh. Ares turned out to be none the worse for wear for eating the plushie. Not sure if he did eat it in the end, although it was in the garden and slimy. So. Who knows. General condition. Poor lad is struggling a tad. He's still ok and can be quite perky and very interested in dinner. But his back legs are going more regularly. He ends up halfway doing the splits. He half fell down the stairs a day or so

 Struggled to get on my feet this week, although yesterday was a pretty good day, and I didn't push it. Chronic Fatigue clinic questionnaires have come through the post. Something like 12 pages in all spread over 2 documents. Some of the questions they ask are on point. Filled one in yesterday, will do the other today. Was having a good day until late at night, Hazel came upstairs, informed me Ares had eaten something he shouldn't have. A plushie. He's never done it before. And the plush in question has been a favourite for tug for many years. For some reason, he decided to eat it. There was no way he was sicking it up. And likewise, operating on him at his age, in his health.... not good. So. I guess we wait. And see if it passes. If it doesn't... Or maybe Hazel made a mistake and he didn't eat it. But I doubt she's mistaken. I'm just hoping that if he had chewed it or whatever small enough to eat, it should go through. I can't quite believe he's ea

 Not a great day yesterday. Tired. Started going downhill about 1pm. By 2.30pm I was curled up on the sofa and exhausted. I went to bed. Slept until 6pm. Got up like a zombie risen from the grave. Bloodshot eyes, dark circles under my eyes. Felt even more tired. Stayed up until 9pm ish, went back to bed. Did not feel good. Or right. And bone tired. It made me worried. I said to Hazel I didn't want to go to bed but I had no choice. She said I had been overdoing it again and had paid for it. I washed the car the day before yesterday in a fit of positivity. Not gonna lie by the end of it my legs were proper shaking. But I recovered, and thought that was that. Perhaps not. Yesterday was awful. So bad I thought I was properly regressing into my "can't get out of bed" stage. The most worrying thing is when you sleep for four hours and wake up worse than when you went in. It gives you a certain sense of helplessness. As I drifted off to sleep last night I pondered that in so

 Good to see that finally the opening up of stuff in the face of the Indian variant of Covid is being questioned. A little bit too late imho. If I can spot the problem a week ago on my half assed keeping on top of current events, surely someone doing a proper job should have been on top of this... when they initially put India on the red list, weeks before and even then, hey, wont everyone rush back from India to beat our red list day and just make the problem worse ? nah. . . that would never happen. . . oh. I think the whole give em a week or two of warning so they can all rush back bullshit is laughably idiotic. All it does is guarantee you a spike of infections. The reverse of what you're trying to achieve. Red list travel bans should be without warning and instant. Anyone that needs to come back can - but they have to sit their ass in government controlled quarantine for 14 days. Is there a problem with that ? Inconvenience. Deal with it. I suspect it's not just a case of

 I am beginning to get the hang of my new normal. Which is to say prone to suddenly flagging hardcore and needing a nap. Or sleep. But that's ok. Just go for a sleep. I am also beginning to get the hang of my new normal. Which is to say a certain amount of gloom is settling over what my life is at the moment and an awareness that in some key ways I am still not a functioning adult, or at least, I am not functioning as I used to and have some serious limitations. Symptoms seem to have also settled into an ebb and flow pattern. Over the course of some days, get better, then over some days get worse. Repeat. I *think* each high tide is higher though. I caught myself sensing for my tingles the other day... and couldn't find any. They came along later in the day. Of course. That being said, my tingles and whatnot were so bad yesterday they stopped me sleeping. So. Who knows. Still not sure what to make of it. Still alarmed that I can feel drained and ill after helping unpack the sho

 Been taking it easy this week. Not workwise. But everything else wise. Lots of sleep. Early to bed. And I've felt better for it. Thursday rolled around, my last "official" working day of the week and I didn't feel as drained as usual. Which probably lead me to overdo it. Hazel asked me was I still working. I checked the time. 5.30pm. How long have you been working today she says. Mmm. I was up at 7.30am ? I don't know. I've watched you she says. When you get absorbed in a problem you don't drink, you don't eat, you don't get up. You just forget your body and churn through a problem. For hours. Uh huh. I took stock of my surroundings. I was sat there, one sock on, one sock half off, one trouser leg half up, slumped in the sofa, laptop perched on me, concentrating, oblivious. She says its part of being hyperfocused. I'm beginning to see that I get absorbed and a day can whizz round without me taking a drink. I'm also starting to suspect that

 Stop me if you've heard this one before. Country declares things are getting better, opens everything up, encourages mingling, just as a new worrying covid variant pops up. Today it was declared that half of all covid cases in London are now the Indian variant which has been noted to be much more transmissible and the WHO announced today it was a variant of "global concern". It was also noted that from 17th May mingling fun would return in the UK. Is it just me ? Is this rocket science ? I think we're due an Autumn - if not Summer - of raging covid. And this time it will spread through a vaccinated population and mutate into something that gets around it. It's how evolution works. Survival of the fittest. It's the same principle as to why fewer and fewer antibiotics work. And if you give the nasties a chance to survive and adapt, the antibiotic in question quickly becomes useless. Do we learn ? No. We do not. In my estimation the coming months are likely to b

 Yesterday was a stress fest. By 2pm I was stressed and frustrated to the eyeballs. I could feel it screwing with my health. Corrosive. I had to step away from work. Take a break. I considered just stopping work for the afternoon. I didn't. Went back to it. Finished a few things off. Struggled hardcore at the end of the day to disconnect. Buzzing with stress. Fight or flight making me restless. And my mood suffered. I ended up going to bed. Then getting up and eating, then going back to bed. Jesus. I had a hard conversation with Hazel yesterday. If. When. Ares back legs finally give out. I think. He is done. He. Has a lot. Of issues. The legs are one of them. So. I think. When he can no longer walk. It's time. Hazel understood. And agreed. I barely got it out. Overwhelmed with sadness and grief. I cried. And then tried hard to put it out of my head. Grieve when that bridge is crossed. Not before. I suspect, it's not that far away now though. He stumbled again a few times ye

 Yesterday was better. Sunny day for some of it. Felt a bit warmer. So tired though. Ended up sleeping a lot. 5pm til 9pm. Got up. Pair of panda eyes greeted me. Was back asleep by 11pm. Pottered around a bit in the up time. Dreaded the return to work on Monday. I feel exhausted. Today was a tough start. Lots of work hassle and drama. And as Ares walked past me in the morning, not 2 feet from me, I saw his back legs go, and he collapsed. He was up again in 20 seconds. But. Yeah. Not good. Ho hum. My mood is above water, but not far above it. Struggling to stay positive. Feel weak today. Tingles fleeting around. I find myself once again at a loss with what to do with myself. Life wise. Just treading water. One day at a time. I think my mental health is largely in the driving seat at this point. It has the capability to make me feel better or worse. Bleak. Or to get some joy. And my mental health loves observing my physical health at the moment. And worries. It's a bit of a vicious c

 Not sure I want to write this today. Not sure I want to even poke at the dark hole there. Yesterday was a bad day. Had a long chat with the vet in the morning about Ares. Long story short seems to be, Ares is an old man. Problems are stacking up. He's slipping away very slowly. And there's nothing that can be done for it. It is, of course, inevitable. Death, they say, is a natural part of life. Well that's alright then. He's on a bunch of different meds now. And. He seems for the most part ok. Old. Slow. Sleepy. Lost a lot of his hair. Skin condition is meh. A serious weird cough. Signs of an immune system struggling says the vet. Back legs keep going on him. And weak. Probably his bad lower spine. I was ok with the vet. I know. This is a long time coming. And my bout of severe illness, I don't know, in a weird way it made it easier. Everyone dies. I am dying. We can go together. Maybe I will go before you. etc. Some point afterwards I explained what the vet had sa

 Back to work. Faintest hint of tingles. Half hearted tic. Black eyes. Tired. An improvement. So I ended up sleeping a total of 24 hours from around 11pm on Sunday, until gone 9am Tuesday. I didn't see an awful lot of Monday. Which figures. Stayed up from midday ish on Monday, but was back in bed by 8pm. Hazel is being somewhat strict with me. Told me to get off of coding on Monday. Take a breath. Look at something else. Time got away from me, I ended up deciding that was enough, and it was already 6.30pm. I had spent the day coding. Yikes. She also said I was banned from taking my laptop anywhere with me in future. Uh huh. Today Ares gets to go to the Vets. He is not in the greatest of conditions. A number of small things stacking up, getting slowly worse. It's old age. There's not much they can do. He's not in pain and potters about - always very keen on getting something to eat. But anyway. A visit to the vets, give him a check. See if there's anything they can d

 Home again, home again. I realised today, just about everyone in my family - except me - is now covid vaccinated. I've got to talk to the docs again this week about that. Before the NHS phone me up again with their grumpy face on - why haven't you had your vaccine. Drive home wasn't too bad. I "flew" home, better roads, less traffic. Was ok but exhausted when I got back, hugely not helped from the lack of sleep I got the day before - I ended up stupidly staying up til 5am just slowly chewing over a coding problem. Symptoms got worse - I think because of this. Today I've got up, peed, exhausted, went back to bed. Later. Got up, pottered around exhausted, went back to bed. Got up *again*, pottered around, exhausted. I'm resisting going back to bed for a fourth time. Not sure that's super sensible. It feels like I could probably do with sleeping much of the day. But, so far... it's not making me feel that awful unwell to go with it. Not. Quite. Ish.

 A pretty good day today ( healthwise ). I went out for a properly distanced lunch. ( a fancy middle class fish finger sandwich if you're asking, with an equally fancy salad, and not so fancy handful of chips ). And I was kinda normal. I flagged mid afternoon-ish. I had been... too normal. Too much energy expenditure. I felt it in the afternoon. The siren call of just sleeping pulled hard. But I resisted. Be normal. Be normal. Be normal. For christs sake be normal. Not easy. I've stuffed my face today. Lots of food. Not sure if I'm still shrinking. People seem to think I'm still losing weight. I've lost a big old chunk of weight. It's the Near Death Weight Loss Plan. I don't recommend it. I put on a belt today I've not had on in 5 months. I had to punch a new hole some six inches further round than the smallest one. The belt now also wraps around to my arse. Trousers still fell off. Uhh. Ok. A *lot* of weight gone. Today I got to see my mom. This is the