17th May

 I am beginning to get the hang of my new normal.

Which is to say prone to suddenly flagging hardcore and needing a nap. Or sleep. But that's ok. Just go for a sleep.

I am also beginning to get the hang of my new normal.

Which is to say a certain amount of gloom is settling over what my life is at the moment and an awareness that in some key ways I am still not a functioning adult, or at least, I am not functioning as I used to and have some serious limitations.

Symptoms seem to have also settled into an ebb and flow pattern. Over the course of some days, get better, then over some days get worse. Repeat. I *think* each high tide is higher though. I caught myself sensing for my tingles the other day... and couldn't find any. They came along later in the day. Of course. That being said, my tingles and whatnot were so bad yesterday they stopped me sleeping. So. Who knows.

Still not sure what to make of it.

Still alarmed that I can feel drained and ill after helping unpack the shopping. Still somewhat worried that my black eyes still dog me. Still not entirely convinced that some "serious shit" isn't up. But eh. I am mostly resigned to it now. It is what it is. Ignore the fleeting pains. If you drop, you drop. At least I'm not in the pit of suffering I was.

Ho hum.

I definitely do better with distractions. That's for sure. And rest. Both of those things make it much more bearable. Also not sure what to make of that either.

I am learning to live with something I can't solve.

Anathema.

I've learned to live over the years with not *fixing* everything I can solve.

Not solving something though. Yeesh.

Eh. So fucked up in so many ways.

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