11th May

 Yesterday was a stress fest.

By 2pm I was stressed and frustrated to the eyeballs. I could feel it screwing with my health. Corrosive. I had to step away from work. Take a break. I considered just stopping work for the afternoon.

I didn't. Went back to it. Finished a few things off.

Struggled hardcore at the end of the day to disconnect. Buzzing with stress. Fight or flight making me restless. And my mood suffered. I ended up going to bed. Then getting up and eating, then going back to bed.

Jesus.

I had a hard conversation with Hazel yesterday.

If. When. Ares back legs finally give out. I think. He is done. He. Has a lot. Of issues. The legs are one of them. So. I think. When he can no longer walk. It's time.

Hazel understood. And agreed.

I barely got it out.

Overwhelmed with sadness and grief.

I cried.

And then tried hard to put it out of my head. Grieve when that bridge is crossed. Not before. I suspect, it's not that far away now though. He stumbled again a few times yesterday after his collapse. His skin has flared up.

Another hard test on a succession of hard tests. I am disassociating in and out at times at the moment. The world seems unreal. Not quite there. Like I am waiting for the veil to drop, reality to disintegrate into pixels, and somone to tell me the game is done.

Exit game. Exit game. EXIT GAME.

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