May 19

 24 hours, no major ill feeling.

Gasp ! How !?

Well, that's easy. I didn't eat. Or take any meds.

That sounds like a temporary solution.

Quitters talk.

Eh in all seriousness I did eat, but only in the evening, chicken salad wrap, garlic bread. No ill effects. With bread. Wheaty products. But as for eating in the day - nothing at all. Zip. Zero. Nada. Tea and water. So yeah. A bit of a fasting cycle thing, again. And undershooting my calories by a fair margin, but eh. I'm ok. Like some fat cow, I typically drop weight very slowly. Apocalypse metabolism. I sometimes think I could probably get away without eating for literally weeks and still be ok. Obviously untested. And science tells me that's wrong. But eh. What does science know, pfft. ( Actually about diet and metabolism, surprisingly fuck all that isn't just hunches and untested bullshit ). I'll tell you what I do know. 1200 calories a day for me is not far off maintenance diet. Which. Is not what science reckons. But is definitely the case for me. So. Yeah. Fuck you.

Today, so far, I've eaten an apple. No meds again. Apples, so my testing tells me, seem to be benign for me. Perhaps I just need to adapt to an apple diet, ha.

I'm not sure where I am going with this really. I'm just trying to find a goddamn baseline where I can reliably predict I am not going to be ill. That doesn't sound unreasonable right ? It's just that I am having to employ unreasonable methods to get there.

Meh.

Anyway. I've stuck a request in for a GP appointment. I need to have a chat about my findings and maybe talk about coming off of meds or changing them or some shit. Just another variable to eliminate. And have a sensible, scientific, this input, that output, here are my results kind of conversation.

And you never know, maybe the GP will have something insightful to say. Lol.

I am aware that on the current strategy I am running I may be on a short fuse here. "Maybe". Ha ha. Definitely. A lungful of air, hold your breath. As long as you can. Don't go too deep. You're liable to drown.

Ahhh. What's the worst that could happen.

Again, a bit more methodical about it, I think I want to get a few days of actually not feeling fucking ill under my belt before I go back to "fucking around". Possibly eating in the day. Then possibly reintroducing meds, one at a time. Or some variation of that. But for the moment. I just want to be not ill.

So. Rest. Don't over do it. Don't eat. Don't take meds.

It sounds all so very sane and methodical.

The reality is it's not. All of this shit doesn't come free. What does ? I often ignore, overlook, whatever the costs are to me. Mentally. Physically. Suck it up buttercup. This is the plan. I can do it. But there's always a price to pay. And I am quite fond of setting myself on fire just to get a bit of light in the room.

Anyway.

I had a super weird episode a couple of days ago. Super. Weird. I woke up from sleep, but didn't open my eyes. Very early morning. And there was a light show going on behind my eyes. Marching geometric patterns. Initially it was basically like an.. old school.. 8 bit display. Or rather two of them. Each slightly offset and slightly angled. With rotating characters. Imagine a display of eh I am gonna say 60 columns and 40 rows. Each column and row has an old school kind of .. ascii character in it. The graphical ones. And they are all flipping, not too fast, not too slow. There's one for each eye - you can tell. They are overlapping and offset. And the whole thing subtly warps gently on a spline.

Then it flipped into varying geometric wireframe shapes. Test patterns.

It was super freaky.

The first thought that went through my head was, oh, test patterns. Refreshing the display by dialling through the graphics. Uh. Is this the matrix ? Maybe I've just woken up during the simulator display refresh cycle ?

After a while it started to make me feel.. off. Spacey head. Nauseous.

I went back to sleep.

Perhaps somewhere I am lying in a pod, hooked up to wires and machines and dreaming of a simulated world.

Simulations. Simulations all the way down.

Dragged myself out yesterday to get my photos done for the stupid goddamn manual licence application. The experience was surprisingly alright. Easy parking. Easy trip. In. Pretty girl with a septum piercing and ink stained fingers takes my photo. Gives me a beaming smile when I thank her. Out. Done. A tiny bit of recovery of my faith in people and processes.

Whilst out I crossed a road with a crossing. Over loud bleeping indicating it was ok to cross. Flashing green lights. Marks on the pavement. It was jarring. And it smacked of treating people like absolute dumb ass cattle. And everyone was ok with that. I know it's a weird thing to find jarring. A pedestrian crossing. But. Look at it. It assumes you have almost zero common sense. Screams at you to do this, don't do that. Obnoxious. Weird. How did society get to this point ? How on earth did we manage before blaring crossings ? I suspect this is a very minor piece of the baleful tune that surrounds us in the modern world. A teeny tiny part of the whole disharmony and misery of life, that like the road to hell, is paved with good intentions.

In any case. The world order is going to collapse in not too many years. Pretty sure. Watch the US. It will start there. In 20 years time the world is going to look nothing like it does now or has. And people will realise how good they had it, but too late. It's going to be a very dark part of history that might be the end of us all.

Gonna noodle with art today. And bunker.

Fuck the world.