May 13

 Yesterday I sorted out a webpage for the charity. Cool stuff. Also, wordpress sucks ass. I mean. It's cool if you don't know what you're doing. If you do know what you're doing it's a massive pain in the ass.

Save me from "simplified" site inputs and endless "plugin" bullshit.

Went for a lovely walk with the old lady yesterday. Sun was out. Trees are crazy green and growing - a perfect mix of sun and rain lately, so, everything green is going gangbusters.

We met a whole bunch of people and pooches. Athena was an exemplary citizen. A very chilled older lady. It was nice. You get a sense of peace with it all. I am so hardwired to dogs it's nuts. Part of my DNA.

Whilst walking around the trees I became mesmerised by the high canopy and emerald green swaying in the breeze. This is a thing for me. You can hypnotise me with trees ( or clouds ). And I remembered how in school I was always punished for staring out the window at trees. I can remember little about that time in school. But I definitely remember the lovely cypress trees in a line at the back of one of the playing fields and how they shivered and moved in the wind. It got on my reports on everything. John would do much better if he wasn't staring out the window all the time.

Uh huh.

So in school I would bounce between average marks, then, getting literally the best marks of my year, before lapsing back into average or below average. Fits and starts.

And it occurred to me.

Wait a minute. This is hyper focus attention malarkey. ADHD stuff. If I stick my mind to it, I excel. But often I do not. "Can't be bothered". Except it's not that. It's the trees. Have you seen the trees. *Hypnotised*.

It's neuro atypical shit isn't it. Oh. Ohhhhhh. Ok. Suddenly. That whole hilarious bang and bust cycle at school makes sense. How in one day I got the very best mark by a mile for an edgey difficult math exam, whilst simultaneously getting worst in class for the run of the mill math exam. Which earned me a look from the math teacher. What's going on.

I shrugged.

Same pattern with history. 100%. 100%. 100%. Then 50%. Low scores. In that case the teacher addressed the question to my friend sitting next to me. What's going on with him ?

Same pattern in physics. For one moment I was at the top. Then I wasn't.

Trees man.

All this occurred to me as I stared entranced into the trees yesterday, which, I literally couldn't take my eyes off of.

It also secondarily occurred to me, why the *fuck* didn't anyone in education pick up on the pattern and do something with me. I reflected that probably in those days, all that neuro atypical shit was an undiscovered land. Still more in the mindset of ghosts in the blood and punishing the nails that stick up rather than actually understanding the underlying different mental issues.

When I stare into trees my mind spaces out and it feels like I fall into a void. Not a dark void. It's pleasant. A head full of helium. In a nice way.

Interestingly enough when I was super ill last year and having all sorts of "interesting" neuro things going on, I did go through an intense period of focal fixation. I could not stop staring at shit. Usually. Out of a window. At nothing. But it wasn't just a , oh I'm staring out the window. It was an utterly bizarre compelled, can't stop looking, wont blink, what the fuck is going on kind of staring. I had to concentrate hard to break it. And would fall back into it very quickly. It was a problem for a while, and something I had to "unlearn" over a period of time.

Also interestingly enough, it's still there. I can feel it. It's weird. There is a peace in there. But also a huge compulsion. It sticks. It wont let you break out of it. Stay. Stare. Time drips away unnoticed. To be clear this is beyond the whole trees thing. This is, stare at anything at all and become... stuck.

Hmm. Fascinating. Perhaps it reveals something more mechanical underneath my mentalry.

I have also come to the tentative conclusion that this thing runs in my family on my dads side. And goes hand in hand with the depression thing. Because I see the same patterns in my dad, and my memories of some of my uncles. We're all a little.... off. Quirky. Focused. Dreamy. Hmmmmmmm.

It's an interesting theory. It stitches together a lot of things, not just depression, but also the whole brain go zoooom thing.

Onto diet bullshit.

So yesterday, I didn't actually wait a long time to eat my home made bread. It smelled too nice. So I had some for lunch. And it was. Ok. Ish. ( the bread was good, my reaction to it was Ok. Ish. ) Very super vaguely unwell - when I took Athena out I felt... mehhhh.

But not super terrible. I don't know. Inconclusive. I do think I just need to.. not eat during the day. And eat towards the end of the day. I really need to talk to someone medical that knows their shit I think. Fat chance of that.

Didn't get shit done around the house yesterday. I ended up doing charity web page work. And the nice walk with Athena. And a nap.

Ho hum.

Try again today.

Must tidy shit up. Too much to do at this point though.