May 10

 Bobbing along feeling vaguely unwell with small fits of normalcy squeezed inbetween.

Meh.

I posted what I thought was a funny on point meme today on facebook. This in fact :

Good stuff.

It illicited sympathy.

Oh.

I've seen people refer to this - in more dark humoured ways, about coming out with suicide jokes, or depression memes, or something along those lines and actually horrifying people instead of getting the expected response of ha, yes, or some shit. And then the whole, ah, wait, I need to make a normal joke after that so you know it's ok.

It's all a bit twisty. Navigating the perils of the Other View Point.

Personally I love depression memes and dark humour about mental health stuff. Relatable. And funny. It's like stand up but for neuro atypicals.

When I posted that, I thought it was funny. But in a perfect twist of fate, immediately after posting it, I saw a picture of someones boxer 2 hours before "crossing the rainbow bridge", and then saw a picture of Ares, and flicked through his album, and became incredibly, incredibly sad.

I miss him. So much.

Not here just to pay taxes and die. You must suffer. A lot.

Indeed. 

Whilst on the subject of misery, I have reflected of late that if Armageddon were to kick off. I would be.. unphased. And uninterested in surviving. Just more of a. Huh. Cool. Kind of reaction. I also reflected that honestly, I am mostly just waiting for it all to end at this point. Not society in general. Although. It does seem pretty shitty at the moment. But just my life in general. Just marking time.

I know. Pretty hardcore fucking flatline. Although. I don't feel terribly depressed. Ish. Kind of. Except for those bumps along the suicidal floor. Ah ha ha. Hmm. Well. I know what I mean. I don't feel hopeless and utterly fucked up 24/7. Just, some of the time. The rest of the time. I am disassociating. Or just marking time. Or mildly content being distracted.

Eh, anywho.

Worked today. Fairly productive. Correcting mistakes of others in the past for the most part. But I didn't knock myself out working, I could have burned harder. But I made sure to get up, stretch. Have a cup of tea. Yada.

I have done shit all productive around the house today. Well. Correction. I cleaned the shower head. Oooh. Such productivity. Many wow.  

Pretty sure I am not much fun at the moment. In any sense of the word. Eh well. That's ok. I can sit in my own dark little dungeon.

Someone posted on social media today about becoming angry after having been depressed. And many people chimed in with the same. It seems that the whole repressed anger is often the cause of depression is not widely known. I shared the information. Bouncing between depressed, angry, depressed and angry can be a very real thing - if your root is anger. And that anger is often itself about something.. repressed. That you struggle to deal with. Anger towards your parents. Family. Relationships. Bottled up. Pushed down. Turns to misery. Or self loathing. Or hopelessness. Or all of the above. My father follows this to a tee. Anger and depression are tightly woven in his psyche. And his anger attaches to so many aspects of his life. Bitterness. Eh. Meh.

Right. Off to do something less navel gazing.

Oh. Recently been watching second series of Picard. I don't know what it is about Star Trek writing, but it often reaches down into the depths of super shitty script writing and characterisation. Awful. The IP gets away with a lot of dire shit just because of its dedicated fan base I think. Picard was doing alright for a while, but a few episodes in seems to have gone entirely off the rails with characters acting.. out of character.. shitty exposition shovelled at random into mouths - doesnt matter who, just get it done - and just bizarre and cheesy bits of plotline. Plus. I have to call it, as much as I like him. Patrick Stewart is too old to be doing this shit anymore. Sorry my dude. But you're beginning to really slow down and properly crazy old man your way through scenes. He's lost the capability to keep up and it really shows. In places it's like watching a sad display of a totem wheeled out to put on one more desperate money making performance. All a bit tragic really. I think he's a very good actor, I admire what he's achieved, and he seems like a good guy. But his acting days are over I think.

But eh. It's overall watchable. But at times I have to turn it off, half way through an episode. The level of utter drivel becomes too much. Yeah. That's enough bad writing for the day. Moving on.

It also makes me wonder what said writers think of their own work. Do they realise it's shit ? Or just trip along happily convinced of another hit ? Also also. There are a *lot* of shit writers out there getting work. Are there just not enough good writers ? Or is it about who your connections are ?

Huh. I think it must be the latter given that there are plenty of good books to be had of which most are NOT on TV. Who knows though.