May 20

 Another day, another 24 hour fast cycle.

Felt pretty much alright, none of the nausea or other bullshit. But ehhhh. A few neurological blips. This is undoubtedly the come down from mental meds - it's a known thing you can "blip" or "zap", which, if you've not experienced it, is, weird, but, something like getting zapped between the eyes with electricity. For a tiny moment everything intensifies and stutters, a fraction of a second, like suddenly turning up the volume and light on something to max, then putting it back to where it should be. It's slightly disorientating and not a super pleasant experience, but, you get used to it. I have found in the past I used to get a very similar effect when incredibly tired after a massive bout of back to back IT hours, or, sleep deprivation. I suspect your "consciousness" blips out for a very short moment. Kind of like going to sleep whilst awake. And then it snaps back on. And you get that, whoa, what just happened. I further suspect it's That Part Of Your Brain basically unable to sustain so it tries to enter a sleep cycle. Switches off. Whilst you're still... there... and you get this weird switch off, switch on, lurch in your perceptions.

Half life of the mental meds I am on is 36 hours. As of this morning I was on 72 hours ish without meds. So my dose in system was probably getting pretty low ( I would guess something like 25% ). So it figures I would be getting some noticeable effects.

My mood and general.. sanity level have also wandered around during this period, knocking on doors of Really Not Fucking Good Places. Places you can't easily get out of, and places that threaten your existence. This is a warning sign. Uh huh. Losing my grip. Gosh, that was quick.

Not a huge surprise I guess, even on the heavy meds I've been disassociating an awful lot and generally dipping into super sad and yada. Coming off the meds at that point is asking for trouble.

Uh huh. Mmm hmm.

Ok. So. Bit of a crisis inflection point then. I can't - at the moment - sustain coming off the mental meds without some really very serious consequences - I think.

Today I woke up feeling like shit. Tinnitus raging, under 6 feet of cloying cotton wool, and a mental state losing its basic grip on reality.

Oh boy.

So got up, push through it. Wake up. Decided to start the mental meds again. The other meds I will leave for now.

Rock and a hard place, as the mental meds *could* be aggravating an already fucked gastro system. But without them I am at the moment liable to blow out very badly. Damned if you do, damned if you dont.

So. I'll take feeling ill over going insane. Going insane - and probably just fucking ending it all - is the bigger more immediate risk.

Spent pretty much all day yesterday noodling with art. Doing a lot. Not making much progress. Found a nasty little bug in the software I was using. Some background forum reading revealed it as a Major Problem, so, I will be getting my hands on an update to see if it fixes it.

Got a message from the GP. They can offer me an appointment mid June. Right on the day I need to be in the office. I've told them I can't make that day. Needless to say I am not super impressed with the whole month away appointment. But eh.

Food in the house has dwindled to almost zero. I am eating - when I am eating - from the back of the cupboards now. Noodles. And beans ! I "can't be bothered" to go and get groceries. I have an invisible leash around my neck that's pinning me down. In related news, I also haven't filled out my paper licence renewal form yet either. Holding pattern. Just breathe.

I streamed me noodling with art yesterday. I am a subtly different person when I have to talk. I think it's the talking that alters something in my brain. I'm. More normal. But. Come off the stream. And it stops. Very. Duality thing. Hmm.

Meh. I am tired of watching for patterns and figuring shit out. I just want life to be uncomplicated. And not to be ill. And yada. Tired of it all. Just going through the motions. Ho hum.

Today. Ugh. I'm not working. Oodles of free time. I should be a happy person running around in an idyllic world right ?

So then why does everyday feel like a fight. Every day feel like an unending battle. No weekends. No time off. Just. Struggle.

Yikes.

Start again.

Today. I will try and drag myself out to pick up some groceries. What to buy. Great question. What can I eat and when. Great question.

Sigh.

Life is weird when you suddenly don't know how to feed yourself anymore. Regressing back to an 8 year old.

And I'll probably noodle with art again. I should really be doing some more work for Charity. But. Eh. I am up to my eyeballs drowning at the moment. So. I think I will spend a bit of time on myself. 

The world is a beautiful lovely place full of many wonders. I can't feel them, but that doesn't make me right. It just makes me numb. Everyone else should go out there and enjoy the world.