May 16

 Feelings of being ill mostly avoided so far.

If you're looking hard then maybe a tiny touch of it today after eating.. potatoes.. chicken. But pretty much zero.

No bread.

Or fibre.

Mmm k.

Not stabby sad today. Just. Numb, I think. Which is eh, ok. Situation Normal. I dreamed of Ares. Dreamed he was brought back to life. This must be the third or fourth time I have had that dream. Always wildly different, but the core theme is the same. Ares is back alive. Somehow. This time around, in really freaky dream like ways, he was alive because of some.. miracle transfusion. Which turned out to be some alien malarkey. Which some alien kid died for. Ok. Dark.

Anywho. It would seem even at a fundamental sub conscious level, I can't let go of him. And as I've kinda concluded before. I dont think I ever will. Those dreams. Eh. Kind of fuck me up. Because they are very real. And it's just a reminder that he's missing when I wake up. I was ok with it this morning. Fine. Get on. Do your day. But it's heavy. Another piece of leaden baggage to add to the cart.

I'm just ever more sure that I am not designed for this world. A failure of configuration. An evolutionary dead end. Too much loss and pain awareness for my own good.

It does make me ponder whether old age, our time configuration - or in other words how long you last, also has something to do with just how much heavy shit you end up pulling along. At some point it becomes too much. And you'd rather just sit down and stop moving. I wonder what would happen if life expectancy was pushed to say 200 years. We'd either break long before that, mentally. Or I think we'd end up coming to terms with another shared life experience like a mid life crisis. Century life crisis. The learning of letting things go.

I think in some ways, if you could live to 200 years. Some people would have a phenomenal capability to teach and guide others. Not how to fix lightbulbs. But how to navigate life. I kinda reflected on this yesterday listening to Monika. A lot of her trials and struggles sounded incredibly familiar. Lessons I had already learned. I could see the same mistakes playing out in the interactions between people. Whatchagonnado ? For the most part, I just listened. I knew the answers. But. Eh. Shit doesn't work like that. Advanced lesson #572. Shut your mouth. Wisdom is very rarely capable of being transferred and accepted let alone understood meaningfully by any communication method. Typically it has to be an experience thing. People are stupid like that ( and I mean no offence to anyone here, *everyone* is stupid like that, it's part of the delightful human condition ). You can't tell people fire burns. They have to stick their hand in it. Oh. It burns. Yes mother fucker. I just said that.

All of that being said, the only thing I did actually venture - because it was tremendously important in the conversation context - was that invalidating emotions was a no no. It was ok to feel and experience emotions. Trying to cut your emotions off to fit someone elses expectations that were being demanded of you was... Not Good. To say the least. In short. You're fine. It's ok to feel. Fuck those that invalidate that. Still. You get the impression it's in one ear and out the other. Ho hum. I tried.

Moving on.

Today I am working. I am shifting my days this week so I get Wednesday clear, so the nephew can come down that day. Not super jazzed about working on a Monday, but eh, it's ok. I know he's looking forward to coming for a visit. But I am hardcore in bunker mentality. I'd rather just sit on my own. I dunno. I think the wheels turn and I am definitely leaning into becoming a recluse. Don't want anyone, don't need anyone. I don't know. It's not very consistent of me. I am finding it harder and harder to keep up with people. More of a struggle to initiate conversations. Just. Stop.

If this is A Thing, and not just A Phase, then it has been a long time coming. I think by default I am a hermit. But I haven't really been a hardcore one in a very long time. Eh well, we shall see. It's probably just a phase. Maybe. Heh.