May 29

 Difficult day yesterday.

And I felt the queasiest I have so far, to the point, eh, can't ignore it. No bueno. So perhaps this is two sides of a similar coin. Come off the meds - have the whateveritisprobablyulcer - flare up. Stay on the meds have whateveritisprobablyIBS flare up. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

My mood has tanked.

I haven't gone insane. At least not yet. But I am pretty far down the depression spiral. My meds are combatting it. Struggling to right the ship back to neutral numb out. So. I'm not down the spiral and getting deeper.

This is unusual. Typically after I've been on the meds I can't get this far down. Hmm. Who knows. Admittedly feeling sick and a bunch of other symptoms do have the capacity to - gasp - not make you happy. Ha ha.

See, I can laugh. Not all lost.

The docs got back to me. Moved the date. So. Few weeks to wait for that. See how we do.

I've got an uneasy scratch at the moment that I am neglecting everyone. Just. Withdrawn. Not talking to people. I'm an asshole. etc. Struggling with it. Bunker mode is hitting pretty hard. Waking up today the thought of even going into the garden made my anxiety spike. Anxiety ! About the garden ! I was half asleep, so, my control of that shit tends to be piss poor. Apparently its the dictatorial intellect side of me that keeps that stuff on a leash. When its asleep, the crazies go wild.

When I'm awake that whole hard anxiety and unwillingness morphs instead into a.. shapeless deep unease. Like a sixth sense going off. Don't. Go. Outside.

You kinda learn to, uh, ignore it. Sometimes. At the moment I seem to mostly be giving into it.

The bee at the window has made more progress. It seems pretty messy and haphazard at the moment. But uh huh. We shall see. I'll have to take some fuzzy progress pictures of it behind the patterned frosted glass.

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