May 16

Lots of pain. The all over body pain hilarity is biting very hard these last two days. Somewhere in the small hours of the morning it is at its worst. Everything is sharp muscle pain, and top half of torso is where it's at its worst. Breath stealing knives.

This is the same shit that has been dogging me for years at this point. It comes and goes at random, sometimes sticks for months, years, sometimes a single day.

I think, guess, inflammation is massively spiking in me at the moment. One of those all round inflammation things. My eyes have been bad as well. This morning I was actually pulled out of sleep screeching because it felt like someone had stabbed my eye on top of the burning sensation.

I mean. Ok. It just sounds like shit is getting steadily worse, n'est pas ?

Sigh.

Life aint worth it for me.

Yesterday I had a ragey rant at Andy. Straw that broke the camels back. The devs were poised to do something really stupid on one of our large clients databases. Lazy. Ugly. Performance hitting. Potential trouble spanning. Hack.

I caught it just in time. By fluke.

Our dev process has spun completely out of control. I had already warned more than a month ago that the rate of bullshit being undertaken in the systems was exceeding my capability to keep on top of.

It's not a matter of if one of the systems collapses at this point, but when.

So. I raged at Andy. Not his fault per se. Ish. Compounded by many mistakes. Inability to properly rein in or manage staff. Bad knee jerk choices of tech out of anxiety. Little by little a death by a thousand mismanagement cuts.

I firmly believe this is Andys default. Leave him alone and he will slowly paint himself into a corner and self destruct. For the record our oldest employee, fellow founder of the company always believed this would be the eventual demise of Andy. In his own words, he would dig himself further into trouble before upping sticks and running away. I have to date done my best to counter that. And so far, done a reasonable job of it. But now where I have stepped back, my thumb is off the scales. Things are slowly falling to shit.

And we're reaching critical levels of shit.

Eh meh. So it is.

I've enacted a few changes about what the devs are allowed to do. I want to see anything they do for the database. No exceptions. Code wise. I don't have the time to babysit them all. But. I am going to need to try and cherry pick which bits I babysit. This of course means I am not going to be up to much else but basically babysitting asses. Not. What I want to be doing. Not. What I should be doing.

I'm not entirely sure Andy can get on top of these issues. I foresee us losing clients slowly over this until - possibly - we get to a point where there are few enough less complicated clients, that it meets the level of competence we have.

I think that's the issue really.

Our level of technical competence has gone down. This has left some of our more complicated clients above our high tide mark.

This is absolutely the consequence of me stepping further away, and getting other staff in to try and support what's going on.

The drop in skill is dramatic. And it's one of those things, that you don't quite realise what you have, until you lose it. Although, it wasn't exactly a secret. Now it's very plain.

To a certain extent. Not my problem.

And the way my health and everything else goes, I have little concept of what long term looks like. If things go on the way they are, I am on the cusp of giving work up entirely whether I like it or not. Because my shitty health gives me no choice.

I am so tired. And now, my health is fucking hardcore with the shitty sleep I used to get. It's 5am. I am up. Pain. Can't sleep. My eyes feel like they've been in a smoker for a week.

Sigh.

I shuffle about the house on a crutch. On my old man padded slippers that are doing their best to help my fucky foot/feet. I get glimpses of Athenas presence. Clumps of fluff still in the corner of a room. Her bed. And biggest of all. The hole where she should be. Turn around, and she isn't there, wondering what you're up to and if there's any food to be had.

I creak with the pain. And am sad.

And for the millionth time I wonder what the fuck I am doing just continuing on. What on earth is the point of enduring it all ? I have only silence as an answer to that. It is not exactly the strongest case for life.