May 13.2

 I have spent a reasonable amount of time just putting some memories of both Ares and Athena into a document. Somewhere on the interwebs. This blog. For as long as its around.

Oddly I don't have many pictures of them in their prime. Very very few. Very few of anything. I didn't take any of them in those days. Why would I. I don't need pictures or videos. And they will be around forever. Right ?

It was only towards their latter years did I start regularly taking pictures of them. Aware of the looming loss date.

The pictures and recall have dragged up many memories for me. And also starting to sort through pictures of both of them.

It is dramatic to see their decline. The last 12 - 24 months of life how they suddenly deterioriate. I watched some clips of Athena just from 2 years ago and the difference was stark.

It is awful what time does. And how short it is.

I can also see some of the same ravaging in me over that time period. Time has not been kind to me these last few years. My ill health is plain to see. It's also plain how much worse I have got.

Seeing those images of all three of us over some years span suddenly makes it very clear the changes that have gone on.

Today has been a hard day.

The sadness in me about everything is hard. Deep. Doesn't seem to be shifting at all. Distraction is all there is. And it is frail. Reality is awful.

I spoke with Andy today. Caught up with him. Difficult. Emotional. He is worried about me. He has laid out all sorts of offers of help. To come stay with him. To get out of my house. To do something.

I have no answers. I have explained to him that it is not just Athena. Although that is awful. It is all of it.

The loss of Athena is just the finished riff of the loss of Ares. The loss of that bit of my life. The loss of everything for the latter half of my life. Stacked atop worsening health. And an inability to do shit.

I wander around my house on a crutch. Padded shoes. Gingerly moving. Moving like an 80 year old. Stairs are hard.

Tell me again how it's just a blip. Or a singular bit of grief. Or just change something.

It's not.

Hazel for her part is doing aces. She is at times struggling with the loss of Athena too. My mutts. Had a way of wiggling into your heart. And Hazel has cried her own tears over Athena not being here anymore. She shares them with me sometimes. Some of it is awful. But aside from her grief. She is doing aces. She has stepped up looking after me. Careful of me. Caring. Doing things. It has to be said that misery is not unfamiliar to her. And she can often, ironically, be at her best, when things are shit. I am thankful for her help. For her distractions. For just being there. She is a great friend, someone willing to stay with me for extended periods. No questions asked. There are few. If perhaps none. That are either capable of doing that for me, or willing. A big ask.

People are complicated. Never entirely one thing or another. Good and bad. Hero and villain.

Each moment is its own thing.

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