31st Jan

 Yesterday was a surreal blur.

I stayed up way around the clock, half because I was trying to break the sleep schedule, and half because Hazel wanted to go for a walk.

By the time I was going for a walk, it was an equivalent of midnight to me if you had got up at 8am.

After days of fucky sleep I was tired. Buzzy. Surreal.

I tried analysing it at one point on my drive over to Hazel.

The winter sun was casting a lovely golden glow to everything, cold, clear, golden. I could see it from one point of view. And from another it was like being in a separate room to it. Not there. Mild disassociation. Third party viewing. I could also tell that it reminded me of vague things from my childhood. Other days that looked like that. And that there were feelings attached. But I couldn't actually feel any of it. It was like reading a report on a page. And the words were smudged.

It was surreal. Not that it was an unusual thing for me. Not worrying. Not unknown. Just. An altered state of mind, and one that I am kinda familiar with. Each one is often unique, but altogether they are in the same house.

A slow walk around the park. Bumped into an older norfolk dude who came and sat beside me on a fallen tree. He talked long on the dog that he had just lost. The impact they have. How much you miss them. How much you attach to them. All that stuff. In his own old school old dude way he poured his heart out, and over and over in differing ways, told us how much he loved his dog, and how much he missed him.

He was a nice guy. Chatty. Lost.

I feel you my dude. 

A cool wind swished around us. And the feels made my eyes tear up.

After he went on his way Hazel asked if I was ok. Yeah. I'm ok. Brutal conversation huh. I was ok. I wiped away a few surreptitious tears during the chat.

All the things I have thought and concluded just appeared from the mouth of someone else. Exactly the same thoughts. Feelings. Sense of loss. Meaning of life. Unprompted. Unlooked for. I am not crazy. This is the truth. Some random dude telling me without realising it, he had the same things going on.

Oof.

That kind of experience and reaffirmation of what I know to be true, just reinforces to me that we all need to stick together. Life, and everything can be at times extraordinarily tough. The toughest things that you will ever face, which, at their worst point will challenge your very existence. Die. Or do not. And given the world can be so dark, the environment so cold and unforgiving, does it not make sense that we should grip each others hands tightly and stand against it together. When one is weak another can be strong. We can face stuff together. Console ourselves that even when it is at its worst, we have a flicker of light for each other.

Hard though. For me that dark world will try to tear that apart. Isolate you. Break those bonds and leave you alone.

I dunno. Being a human seems incredibly hard, even beyond the usual problems of food, shelter and safety.

Hazel ended up coming back home with me to give Athena a shampoo down. My back is still fucky, and, I cant really lift her into the bath. So Hazel did it, which was nice of her. As she beavered away at Athena, I realised how fucking bone tired I was. By that point I was pushing 20 hours up. Just watching Hazel tired me out. Super low.

But still functional. Barely.

Athena was dried off, I went and collapsed on the sofa, Poppy snuggled with me at one end, and Athena at the other, and we all dozed off whilst Hazel... did stuff in the kitchen.

Half hour nap later, I took Hazel home, Athena came with us, all bundled in the car.

Got back home myself, fed Athena, collapsed into sleep. . .

. . . I wonder what a more normal life would feel like.