26th Jan

 Tired. Wrestling my sleep into something resembling normal.

Vet got back to me today about Athenas urine sample ( again, another 24 hour turn around in test and prompt updating, can't be faulted ). Some issues with the sample, possible UTI, suffice to say, Athena is gonna get a dose of anti biotics.

So the plan is her special shampoo. Antibiotics. And we've booked another appointment on the 14th Feb for a follow up retest - this is when all her meds finish - to see if things look better, and start her on anti arthritic drugs.

So. Pretty happy all round with the service we're getting, and, reassured myself I am doing all I can for my old lady.

Spoke with my brother today. About nothing special. He ranted a bit as he deemed it. About work - which he's retired from - about people not bothering. About how people can't be arsed anymore. I ranted about how the service at the vets put the NHS to shame. Where was my £3.7k a year going ? He said it was because 25% of the UK wasn't working. Which. I think has nothing to do with it. It's always a cheap scapegoat to blame the ill, the non working, whoever. Massive amounts of money gets trousered, when it comes time to investigate, somehow its always the most vulnerable that get the finger pointed at them. I noted that if that figure is true, 25%, it still doesnt matter. All it means is I am getting £2.8k spent on me, and £900 on someone else from my £3.7k. I'm still not getting £2.8ks worth of health service. Not even close.

He seemed ok. Still struggling a bit. Think he's in a bit of a rut. Mild. No big deal. But for him. A bit of a rut. I think the responsibility of the old man up the road is wearing on him amongst other things. Understandable. It seems like the old man has integrated visiting my brother daily as part of his routine. Which. Makes sense. Not much to do. No company. No friends. Lonely old guy. I get it. It's just... not really our family. And the old man has been the least reaching out person of everyone. So. Eh.

He forgot to turn the lights out on his new car. Flat battery. Dead. He's forgetting a lot of stuff. And generally fucking everything up he touches. Arguably. He could probably do with being put into a home himself at this point. Tricky. You could argue it both ways. In a perfect world, he needs someone to babysit him basically and double check everything he does.

Hard.

Not simply because life changes, what you're used to changes, and giving up your independence and sense of adulthood is phenomenally difficult. But also because there's no obvious day that's announced when that is necessary. No special letter through the post saying hello, next month you're going to be looked after. Instead you get a very slow and insidious decline, which at some point tips over into needing something done about it. When. What. How. No good answer. Difficult all round.

Like a lot of things in life that achingly slowly change, coming to terms with a non obvious tipping point is hard and contentious. Just Another One Of Those Challenging Life Things that no one teaches you about.

It escapes me why they don't cover this shit in school. Honestly. Difficult things you will have to think about and work through as an adult. It doesn't matter that you would learn as a kid, maybe not even take it seriously. It would stick. And you would remember. And at least have a hint that, ah, this is one of those tricky patches instead of being blind sided by shit.

Anywho.

Athena decided she needed to go out on the roof today. Of course she couldn't make it. So we did our routine. She does the front half. I get to pick her ass up and do the rear half. She's pretty used to it, doesn't freak out or anything, completely understands what I'm doing. Thanks for the boost. See ya. My technique has improved. One hand up between her rear legs. Lift. It's a perfect lifting point. As shes a girl, no tackle to get in the way.

She is, still, a smart lady. She adapts very quickly. And understands a lot of what I do and say. Clever bean. I sometimes wonder what she thinks. What her internal philosophy is like. A series of cool things to experience ? Happy at the smell on a breeze. Rolls with negative punches with ease and looks on the bright side.

Remarkably well adjusted.

My brother reminded me it's my ( our ) birthday next week. Meh. I wasn't super tracking it. I can't say I am bothered in any way whatsoever. At all. Zero. Zip. Nada.

It's a big one he said.

Meh. Just another day.

You might have things coming through the post he said.

Nice. But. I am not super big on people getting me Stuff. I get myself Stuff. Which is pretty rare. I am not super into Stuff. In a lot of cases I despise Stuff. Because it adds to the junk in my house which I hate. But also because people don't really know me, and don't know what to get me. They don't really know what floats my boat. 

All in all I am utter arse to get Stuff for.

I reflected on this today.

I don't want stuff.

Know what I would want ?

Appreciate with all my heart ?

Tell me I'm doing good every day. Or that you know how hard it is every day. Give me a hug everyday. Let me fall asleep with someone watching over me. Just be there. Be supportive.

I have kinda realised I am so starved of positive close support. That I crave it. I just want to flop in someones lap and sleep and sleep and sleep. And have someone tell me it will be ok. I am beyond tired of being the lynch pin.

Yikes.

But.

That would be like the best birthday gift ever. Amazing. Oh boy.

Mmmm says the internal psychologist.

You are starved of love. Open and shut case.