17th Jan

 I am struggling epically to wrestle my sleep schedule onto a normal track. I am within touching distance of doing it. Also within touching distance of it slipping away from me again.

It is far from pleasant.

Chunks of time with insomnia.

Chunks of time so tired I feel sick.

Brilliant.

Today I knocked a whole bunch of work out of the door, done, dusted, delivered. Pretty much scrape free. Which was nice.

Tomorrow, a new inserted Can You Just task looms. The never ending super psychologically damaging never ending task list of inserted items at the last minute. ( Why damaging ? Because you never get closure or pressure relief. It's like trying to colour in a colouring book only to have someone keep unfolding a new square of the picture before you can half finish. Try it. You are guaranteed to make someone flip the table if you do this enough for any task. Psychs have noted that the jobs most satisfying are those where you can start and finish a task within a day and you can see the outcome of your efforts. Hence. Perhaps oddly. Things like a hairdresser have a very high job satisfaction report. Conversely. Things where you bang away endlessly day after day, and perhaps never see it finished, or the outcome of your work are soul destroying. It's a thing. Apparently. Now you know. Part of the secret to human happiness, is finishing what you start, and seeing a good outcome. It's the simple monkey brain. How Get Coconut. Work To Get Coconut. Get Coconut. Dopamine reward. Eat Coconut. vs How Get Coconut. Work To Get Coconut. Coconut out of reach. Work To Get Coconut. Coconut out of reach. Rinse and repeat. Evolutionary brain triggers frustration. Cut off calorie burning efforts to attain less calories in return. Seek other Coconut. )

As shitty as life is at the moment, there's always room for it to get worse.

Constant headwinds at the moment are.

My arse with a hole in it, constantly reminding me shit aint right yo. Sometimes alarmingly so.

Athena declining.

Athena has started having trouble with the stairs some days. Trouble climbing on the bed. Trouble getting out of the window. Or back in. Ares went through the same thing. The last six months I used to pick him up and put him down. Athena is getting to that same point. She is old. And tired. She still perks up when we are out. Has a trot. A bit of a run if Poppy is egging her on. But still. Time never stops. And eventually it runs out for all of us. Athenas time grows short.

To say that her loss will be a monumental life shifting blow is an understatement. It's going to turn my world upside down. And I have no answer for it. Just a slow, inevitable, horrible approach. Whilst focusing on the fact she is still here. And still has a cuddle when she feels so deigned.

Oh well.

Moving on.

My GP left me a message. Please get in contact with us.

Ok.

I am pretty sure I know what this is. This isn't for me per se. Well it is. But it's not about something I give a shit about. Not something that, you know, is actually one of the big health problems on my plate.

No.

It's going to be asking me why I haven't had a flu jab, and that I should have a flu jab.

The fact that the GP gets paid a nice sum of money for each jab they do doesn't come into it.

*cough*

So I phoned them back.

Beep beep. This phone number is out of use. Call back later or leave a text message.

So I called back later.

Beep beep. This phone number is out of use.

Ha.

Health service. Service implies something actually gets done. Not sure this qualifies. It also doesn't do much health wise either. Perhaps it should just be called " ". Empty. In computer terms, an empty string. A null. A lack of data. No response.

Sigh.

So tired this evening after work, almost no food in the house, I ordered a small delivery.

Fell asleep in the 30 minutes it took to get to me.

Small portion of noodles. Small portion of rice. Teriyaki beef.

Except they forgot the rice.

Let's inform them !

Oh we need your receipt.

I didn't get a receipt.

Sucks to me be I guess.

Heh. Jesus Christ. Like a tiny reflection of modern late stage capitalism. Pay over the odds. Get two mouthfuls of chicken. A missing order. And told to get fucked. Hand out for payment.

Meh.

Perhaps it is my unhappy state at the moment. But I'm fairly convinced humanity deserves a grisly end. We are - on the whole - a shitty fucking lifeform.

Then again. There is a bit of wisdom that says, if you make everyone live under a horrible system, and it turns people shitty, and you use that to say ha, look how shit everyone is. That's just like torturing an animal then using its angry lashing out behaviour to paint it as aggressive. In other words. Stick something in an unnatural hostile environment, and it's not going to be a good time.

Maybe.

I also saw this the other day. Which keeps flopping across the front of my consciousness. There are times when I get hit by a brutally incisive bang on the nose bit of stuff from a buddhist. I am - still - continually surprised by how much deep wisdom in such a simple form is within its higher proponents or its learnings. Like everything. Take with a pinch of salt. But still. Jeez. Yeah. Have a watch.

This resonates so hard with me. It speaks a fundamental truth in about as few words as you can get. Is brutally simple to understand. Takes no ego or posturing position. Its essence to me is about as pure as you can get, and speaks a fundamental, simple, and yet not entirely obvious truth. How's that for some Advanced Level Human-ing. Impressive. 

Compare and contrast to the epic level of shitbaggery that is, ooh, say, American Evangelism. Like this shit stain -