7th Jan

I wrote a long blurb here about the whole happiness comes from within not without malarkey. And how there are many flaws with that simplisitic approach, not least of which is that many external factors have the capability to both improve and worsen your mood. Not an opinion. Proven fact. And so happiness from within. Yeah. Sure. Also. Bollocks.

So cutting it short.

Today I have reflected on how much of my peace is impacted by external factors. If someone is happy or sad, upset with me, or otherwise. If things are going on out of my control. Or just random factors. How much does any of it impact me.

I've realised that my internal calm is horribly exposed to everything around me, and, when you even think about it slightly, my sense of zen, and happiness is reliant on impossible things. It matters to me whether those around me are happy or sad. Are annoyed at me or not. That all things go well. Are tickety boo. No problems. No troubles.

And how unrealistic that is.

Everyone, and I do mean everyone ( so far this has been my overwhelming experience and I am still looking for evidence in contrary to it ) is fucky. Their relationships with each other are fucky. The small ripples of dysfunction spread to larger ones. Affect others. The randomness of it. Lashing out. The ups and downs. The asshole days.

And my, unthought about, unstated expectation, is that none of that should happen.

In a normal world. Everything should be peace and light. Those things. Are all aberrations. Horrible things.

Which is. Ridiculous.

Those things are normal. It doesn't make them nice. Or good. But they are typical.

Which is a problem. Because I don't do well with them.

I have a chronically naive unchallenged view of what a happier world should be - that it should be even tempered and fair. It is not. It is almost never that. And so I have a problem.

It's not something I have looked at before. And tied with whether things make me happy or not.

I completely understand how flawed things are. How flawed people are. And I accept it.

But accepting it doesn't mean it doesn't affect me. Make me sad. Disappointed. Hurt.

At best I think my intellectual side just jots it down, as expected, ticks off a box. But. That's not accounting for the emotional side. Which is told to be quiet. It's just how it is. No need to get upset. Except. It does get upset. Whether the rational bit of me likes it or not.

And so I realise, that I am awfully exposed to the whims of the world. Random happenings. The flaws of people. It creates a strong headwind against me to achieve stability and calm.

This is undoubtedly my failing. I am too sensitive to such stuff. I have not grown a tough outer layer to just ignore it and shrug it off. It matters.

Perhaps this is something I need to get better at. Not only understanding that the world is imperfect. But also, not letting that colour my inner self. I need to learn to be happy within myself.

Hence the whole thrust of this post.

I need a better sense of how to be happy within myself regardless of everyone and everything else.

I also need to be much more careful before being dragged into other peoples drama.