16th Jan

 A pretty hellish trek at the moment. Days blur. Time is fucked. So much sleep. Don't feel well.

But let's not dwell. Today at least I think I have dragged my sleep schedule somewhat positive. Awake for some of the daylight and a walk at least. Gasp.

I idly checked my payments from Andy yesterday. Unsurprisingly he hasn't paid me for the extra days I've been working that he so desperately wanted.

Same old same old.

At this point it's predictable.

Funny isn't it that getting me to do extra, or doing the thing, or releasing the malarkey, dotting the i's, crossing the t's and making sure that everything is perfect can be so keenly pursued, and yet, payment for services rendered, well, that's different.

A persons actions can tell you a lot about them. Their sense of right and wrong. How "flexible" their ethics are.

Uh huh.

And money is so corrupting to the type of person corrupted by the material. Brings out the shittiest in people.

Eh well. Andy gave an excuse. Said it would be corrected. Apologised. Uh huh.

As I've got older, and either the world has become more cynical, or I have, I have realised that the worth of apologies these days can often be nil. Or worse than nil. Apologies have become like the terms and conditions stamped on a piece of paper in the bottom of the box of something you buy. A boilerplate bit of legalese that means nothing except in an obscure lawyer way. Apologies I find these days are just so much fucking hot air aimed at trotting out the expected response. It's not a genuine expression of contrition. It's just some words at the end of a sentence. Like a punctuation mark. Fuck up. Do what you like. Tack on some mealy mouthed apology. For the worth of it. You might as well be reciting the a list of bargains on this week at the local supermarket. Beans half price. I apologise about what I did. Bananas are buy one get one free. Remember to use your clubcard. Are we ok now ?

I blame media for it. Politics. All sorts of shit. Where this kind of thing has just become so much noise. No meaning. Just words. An expectation of once stated, you can't keep on being annoyed at me, because, look, I apologised.

A long time ago, when I used to commute to work, a similar thought about apologies crossed my mind on listening to the automated robot voice apologise for the umpteenth time about a delay. There was, I reflected, no apology in the robot. In fact how odd, that you would get a robot to apologise. No emotion, no sense of learning, no dismay about the situation. It was just a string of words fed into a computer for a robot to drone out. Over and over. A pattern of social handshaking with no real intent behind it. Just another way to avoid any real criticism. Better than just being up front about it and saying yeah, shit's fucked yo, there's nothing you can do about it, and no, we won't be changing what we're doing, and to be frank, we don't give a shit. Guess what, tomorrow we will make the same apology for the same fuck up. What are you going to do. Not commute ? Better to offer a robotic apology. And carry on with your miscreant shit, somewhat hidden behind your insincere apology.

I don't know.

I find apologies worthless these days. It's unusual for them to be sincere.

My thinking, often silently is, don't apologise. How about, not be a fucking twat in the first place ? No ? No. Ok then. I'd much rather someone not apologise because they weren't a twat, than be a twat and have to apologise.

I feel that apologies are more often than not today designed to either make the apologiser feel better about themselves, having now apologised and in their own heads received absolution for being some measure of a twat, or, just using an apology to avoid criticism or a foil to just behave how they like anyway. 

Despite that.

I usually let them pass as is.

Just because I think they are shit. Or insincere. Doesn't necessarily mean I have to say so. Or do anything. Reacting is often a choice. Not a requirement.

But that also doesn't mean you ignore it. You can gather information and make informed decisions without having to react to stuff in the moment. And bear it in mind for future. 

I am never quite sure whether that cool detachment is smart or dumb. Human or inhuman.

On the one hand, I am quite zen with the idea of not reacting to shit. It's what a shrink will often tell you. Just absorb the information. And think about how to deal with it. Now. Later. Let it sink in. Reaction is a choice ! Choose not to let your emotions own you ! Some key shrink dogma there.

It seems - at surface level - a very mature thing to do. Even tempered. Calm.

On the other hand.

People never really know where they stand with you because, you rarely give feedback. Did they just fuck up badly ? Sure. Can they tell they just fucked you off a lot ? No. Do they then carry on assuming their relationship with you is status quo ? Yes. Is it ? No.

Which is pretty fucky. It means when people, inevitably, later ask you for something, they are surprised when you are less than willing. But why ? Because you're a cunt Samantha, that's why. It also means, for the more simple idiots in the crowd, they don't get to learn. People learn best when smacked in the face immediately after doing something. When they don't get smacked in the face at all, the opportunity to learn passes by entirely.

Which leaves them floundering when the consequences to their actions actually bite - some time after their transgression.

All in all, you can take this as being pretty mean to idiots. They don't know what they did wrong. They are then fucked because of it. With no hope of learning or understanding. They may even then blame you.

There is wisdom to reacting to stuff appropriately at the right time. Another thing the shrinks will say. Sometimes anger is justifiable.

So all in all. My typical approach - just let shit slide, but don't forget it, is probably dumb. Not good.

It is however, fairly unconfrontational. And. "Mature".

Eh. Meh.

I am beginning to change my approach. And say if something is crap. But. Without heat. Just. Yeah. That wasn't cool.

I am not sure that does much better either. People often learn only from nasty lessons. Burning your hand.

Oh well.

Like I say. Not sure if the approach is smart or dumb. But it's probably more dumb than smart. But I also suspect there's no right answer here. Problematic whatever you do.

This also probably goes part of the way to explain my withdrawal from stuff. People. The world. I take the information. Don't react. But just walk in the other direction. No thanks.

I'm not going to shout at you. Fight. Call you out. But I will just walk in the other direction. I don't have to spend tme with you. Or interact. I can just. Leave.

In fact, this happened a number of times with Hazel. Where she would scream and abuse and fight and I just wouldn't react. And then enact a forcible leave. Which of course, she would hate. I would explain it to her. I am not going to shout or fight with you. It doesn't help. Life is too short to be trawling the bottom of the negative barrel. But also - the key thing. I don't have to spend time with you. To share that space with you in that negative shitstorm. That's my choice. Who I spend my time with. And I don't want to spend time with you. You're not a nice person right now.

It's a pretty chilled conflict outcome ( at least on my side ). Requires a cool head. And for someone used to just dealing with everything in an emotional storm, and getting major pushback from someone who has escalated to match ( ie Hazel ), it can be utterly confusing and frustrating. But. That's also part of that whole trauma borderline personality disorder dysfunction. Everything has to be a screaming shitstorm of emotion. If it's not a fight, it's not good.

Yeah. No.

You can also see why this further enraged abusive behaviour from Hazel. Stalking me. Jumping on me to try and stop me leaving. Not getting out of the car. Kicking down locked doors. Etcetera. Frustration.

Don't get me wrong. So not cool as to be off the charts. Into amazingly shitty abusive territory. But you can kinda see how it gets to that point.

Also what a breathtaking lack of self control, self awareness and all that shit the person has.

Big yikes.  

But this is part of borderline personality disorder. In my experience this is part of a lot of trauma based stuff. I imagine it this way. Inside the person is a lot of trauma and suffering - and screaming. An inner person screaming and clawing away. And when shit surfaces. When they are in a less than good space. That demonic screaming and clawing comes out. All that pain comes out. It doesn't care what's around it. Or if it's fair. Or the person is trying to help. It just comes out. Like a raging screaming animal. It's going to attack and rend. And often it wants a response. It wants a fight. A tumult of emotion. A cathartic bruising wounding brawl whilst screaming at the top of your lungs.

Like steam being let off a pressure cooker.

Of course. It's really not great. Lashing out at everything around you. The most epically shit coping mechanism ever. There are better ways to let it out without burning everyone and everything around you to the ground.

It's something I have had to endure one way or another with more than one person. It's hard. And bruising. And at this point in my life. I am pretty much done with it. No longer willing to be the punching bag for poorly targetted trauma relief.

Anyway.

Back to the generalities, rather than specifics. The problem with not reacting at all to a situation, just leaving it to percolate is that there is little to no chance of lessons being learned by the doer of shitty deeds. They have no feedback. People can learn. Can correct. Can do better. If they are taught. Not giving any feedback however leaves little room for them to learn.

Perhaps overall, I just have too high of an expectation for people. Don't do that in the first place. But, of course, people do. And they rely on those kicks up the arse to correct themselves.

I am not in the business of arse kicking ( at least outside the professional arena ). Or being used for people to learn how to not be a dick. I'm relying on you being a reasonable person.

Ah ha ha. Oh dear.

Ho hum. Tricky.