21st Jan

 Difficult difficult, lemon, difficult.

Sleep skewed all over the place. Got up late.

Athena was where I had left her. Not moved. She's sleeping long and deep now. Just like Ares.

She got up. We shuffled about. Athena, notably, a lot less mobile. Mmm k.

Dragged ourselves out and Athena picked up, excited to go for a walk, lifted her into the car and off we went.

We picked up Hazel and Poppy and had a bit of a run around. Hazel asked how Athena was doing. She said Athena seemed less mobile. Yeah. But. She ran around a bit. We talked a bit about it.

Peaks and troughs. And how dogs are. It's not how they are when they get their adrenaline up. And trot about. It's how they are in the trough. The aftermath. The before and after. Just like Ares.

I have talked to vets about it. They do the same with shots of steroid. Amp up the system. Makes everything work a bit better. But it's temporary. Always temporary. And masks the problem, and, also, tends to bring the problem to resolution faster. Not a good resolution.

We got home.

Athena stiffened up. Trouble with a step. No way with the stairs.

She stayed downstairs.

My last cup of the tea she came to look at me in the kitchen. I looked at her. She limped off.

I figured. Maybe. She'd be happier upstairs. A big warm bed to herself. So I carried her up stairs, put her down. She immediately limped off to bed. As I thought.

My emotions roiled. From zen. To devastated. And back. My brain keeps kicking into End Times mode. All about dealing with a stress situation. All cool emergency mode. Do this. Now that. No time for emotion or thought. And a horrible, horrible realisation we are here. It's too early. It was always going to be too early.

I hope she gets better in the next few days. Shrugs it off. I am going to try changing our excercise schedule a bit to help.

But.

But.

I know this isn't going away.

From hereon in, it gets difficult, messy. And we're in an endgame pattern. With a horrible full stop at the end.

We shall see. Be positive. Hope for the best. Just. Temporary. Just. Needs a bit of loosening up.

I can perhaps go to the vets, get some pain relief. But that really is the path of the end at that point. The pain relief takes a toll on their systems. Lessens the pain. Speeds up the end.

Athena, in the end, has had a good run. And she isn't done yet. Not. Today. Anyway. Time is an utter shit bag. Old age is a cruel fucker. Everything is finite. Everything ends.

I'm just. Epically shit at that. And. Personally. My life changes entirely from what it was, to something else. Colder. Lonelier. No bulwark from the darkness. And, I'm really really unconvinced I want it. Or can deal with it. I don't want it now. The prospect of things being worse. Ha ha.

Cross that bridge when we come to it I guess. I mean. I come to it. No we. Just me.

All paths seem dark. The way ahead is grim. I am tired.

Best result. Athena slips away in her sleep. Me too. Story over.

Not going to happen.

I think I need to start talking to people a lot. I need some different headspaces to counteract the whirling blackhole that's forming. 

Ho hum.

Somewhat distracted today by Hazel. A walk. Then later, zipped her off to the walk in center for a Health Issue. It being the NHS, docs were closed, walk in center couldnt be arsed to see anyone in the final hour, shuts. If you could please only have a health problem between the hours of 9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday, and maybe something that can wait for 2 weeks for an appointment.

Shit.

99% sure she just needs some antibiotics. Good luck getting to a point where you can get that from the NHS though. Shit show.

Grand evil billionaire overlord Peter Thiel was making statements in the UK press about the fact the UK public had stockholm syndrome when it came to the NHS, conditioned into defending it, when it fact it was pretty indefensible and making people sick. He made the point that it was hurting, not helping. Peter Thiel is an evil capitalist conniving twat. But I can't help agree with most of what he was saying. I think subtly the knives are circling for the NHS. The strikes over pay and whatnot are just going to add to the fire. A Guardian ( ? I think ) report on the cost of living malarkey in britain noted that the NHS hadn't actually been underfunded - everything else in society had, but not the NHS.

Uh huh. And yet it performs like an exhausted asthmatic climbing a hill.

Not fit for purpose imho.