Feb 2

 Today is my birthday.

As per usual it ghosts by pretty quietly. Under the radar. Sshhh. Except here you are posting it ?! Yeah sure, but, this is old information. Horses. Bolting. Stable doors. And all that. Too late !

I kinda prefer it that way - under the radar. I couldn't exactly tell you why. But I'm fairly certain it has a dysfunctional root. I could dig. But meh. I would guess something along the lines of birthdays were always a disappointment so I quickly learned to pay them no mind whatsoever. And then be awkward about even acknowledging them( which then also feeds into the whole very awkward about receiving any kind of compliment, *especially* those about my character ). Second hand shame perhaps. Which just reeks of an "interesting" upbringing. And if I really look. My birthdays are always a bit bitter sweet. I get a perverse satisfaction of it being unnoticed. Of me being overlooked. Good. Fuck you. Idiot. Yikes. Where is my rule #1, dont be a dick to yourself. 

Oh god. I just dug a bit didn't I.

Brilliant.

Anyway.

Cough is still shit. Really shit. Doesn't seem to want to go anytime soon. In fact. I'd say its a bit worse if anything. Mmm k. 12 days in. Eh well. And for the record. Boy oh boy does caffeine work to take the edge off my cough. I knew this. But it seems *really* effective at the moment. Stimulant. Lungs Go Faster. Duh.

This week has had its drama moment. On Monday I quit work.

Yeah.

I know its something I talked about and had planned. Then on revision was going to cut back on work, but was still heavily toying with just quitting anyway.

But Monday, eh. I found Yet Another Missing Payment from Andy for September 2020. I was doing my self assessment tax accounts. A month with no payments. Typically I catch Andy doing this, and have to kick him to pay me. This is a fairly regular occurence. Not once. Not twice. Not three times. Multiple many times. In the bad old days it used to be *every* single month. And then wages would get put on a debt pile. And then he'd fuck me over and not pay the debt.

Good times.

I noted before when checking whether he'd paid me for Christmas that I was almost looking for an excuse. But he paid me for Christmas. Nuclear strike stand down. But eh. I found this missing payment.

I messaged him. Hey. Missing a payment September 2020. I will look tomorrow he says.

K.

First thing he says to me.

You had extended time off. That's why the payment is missing.

Wait. What ? You're saying I took a whole month off ?

He changed his statement of fact to, a question. Kind of. I am asking you if you took time off. That was definitely NOT a fucking question. You stated a fact. "Fact". More of a "I can't be arsed to pay you for that month, ohhh it was sooo long ago." So. He thought he'd try mooching it.

Here's a fact. I've never had a month off work *in my entire career*. Never. Ever. For anyone. And on top of that the idea I had a month off with Andy - who goes into a panic attack if I have a week off ( which I almost never ever do either ) is just... laughable.

I also can remember quite distinctly what I was doing in September 2020. A colleague was gearing up to leave. I was stressed to the eyeballs. And by early December my iffy health kicked off into my life or death moment that was drawn out across the next 4+ months, peaking with the Regular Ambulance Visitor Pass in January 2021 and all the heart attack scares - amongst other shit.

The needle on the bullshit fuck you meter flicked over to maximum.

Don't. React. Step back. Think. Consider.

I told him I needed time to think.

It failed. Fuck it. Fuck you. I quit.

I mean. It's not like I wasn't there anyway.

He started whining about how he always paid me ( he does not ), even when it was tough for the business ( dude bought himself a Tesla at Christmas whilst docking me for my surgery beginning of December ).

So. Two lies. Back to back. As a response. After a shit weasel attempt to get out of just paying me my wages.

So. Dear reader. What would you do ?

Ignore it ? Bring it up as a disagreement ? Forcefully disagree ? Tell him to get fucked ? Quit ?

Eh. Yeah.

So that happened.

I went biz comms offline. Fuck that noise. And spent the rest of the day 1) in the immediate aftermath destressing, which I quickly did then 2) spending time doing nice other things.

By the evening I was very pleased all round with my decision. I felt. Positive. Excited. Yeah. Lets do this. My plan ? Take a month off. Rest. Breathe. Then see where we are and make a start on shit.

I felt a great calm and happiness about this.

Which in itself it pretty telling. Quit your job ?! No means of income ?! Are you panicking ?

No. I'm very good. Thanks. I'mma gonna do shit.

I logged back on the following day. Calm. Collected. Divorced from work. I had rolled over in the morning quite happily - oh, no need to get out of bed today. This is nice. My head filled with cool things to do. And I went back to sleep.

So. Lunchtime. I decided to address his bullshit of always paying me and yada blah.

First up. That's not true. You cut my wages here and there for sick time. Second. You keep saying that like its a great and wondrous virtue to pay someone for time off sick. It's fucking not. It's what a civilised societies idea of a normal fucking job is. Of course. If your basis for reference is the victorian workhouse. Then sure. You're a hero. Compared to some fucking Oliver Twist Dickensian novel bullshit. This is the philosophy of people prior to the great advances in worker rights. Literally. Siding with the shit bags that thought it was cool to not pay for time off, and fuck employees left right and center. Do you realise how much of a shitty fucking old school dinosaur that makes you ?? I told him he was modelling himself on some particularly shit-tastic sociopath business owners we knew. Which is fine. He can do that. It's a choice. But that's not me. Those are not my people. I despise those fuckfaces. Fuck them. And their capitalist bullshit. Scourge of the fucking planet.

Anyway. The conversation went on. Andy it seemed was stressed to the eyeballs. Hadn't slept. Panic mode. Which. Sure. I expected. I talked about that before. And the whole five stages of grief malarkey. I told him straight I was gone. Not interested. Wasn't a knee jerk reaction. He really, really wanted me to stay. Yeah. No shit. More chance not to pay me, and buy yourself fancy cars. Mmmm. No thanks !

But I kept an open mind, told him I was coming down to see family soon. So. We could talk then. He grabbed onto this like a drowning man catching at a straw. But. No illusions. I told him I was done. And his path was no longer mine. I made it clear his choices and behaviour had had no small effect on where my path then went. Basically. He only has himself to blame. For multiple reasons. Not diversifying. Not paying attention. Being greedy. Pissing me off. Not paying me. Shitty sick day policy. Etc etc. All those things add up. I told him that I was perfectly fine with him making any choice. His prerogative. But that his choices had consequences. I am fine with free will. But just dont expect me to jump in your bullshit car with you for the journey. No thank you. I am going in a different direction.

Very adult. Taking responsibility for your actions. A shock. To some around me when I ask them or expect them to actually fess up and be a good human. Or not. And then reap the rewards.

Eh. Life. I don't blame anyone particularly. Being a human, living life, its a shit rollercoaster. We all have issues and struggle. But. Unfortunately. I wont always be there to get fucked over by you. And that can cause anxiety and pain in those that I suddenly say no to. It's a shock when I actually put down a boundary. No. I don't say it often. And when I do I guess it has the impact of a bit of a thunderclap.

I agreed to keep working until the 19th. I am easy breezy to be honest. This has calmed Andy. But I have made sure he is under no illusion what the situation is.

We are one phone call away from a system breaking that we dont know how to fix he said.

Yeah. Sure. I know. I've been telling you that for years. Diversify. Teach. I've also given you multiple warnings I wont always be here. Time passes. Deadlines loom. Shit happens.

So that's that.

For me. It's all positive. If I do end up fully quitting, it's good. I am slightly disappointed to be back working. I really do feel like I am paying a huge opportunity cost here. Not giving myself a chance to go do shit. To do cool things. To potentially fail, sure. Also to potentially succeed. And if nothing else. Absolutely a chance to change. Do something different. Life is short. Just having a go - fail or success - is very important here.

So. Roll on 19th. I am not coming at this from a pissed off point of view. An employee with gripes. I am coming at this from a - I can do lots of cool things. That I really want to do. I dont want to be here any more. Why should I do that ? That's a tough thing to beat. You don't correct that by apologising. Or fixing your shit. Or offering a better sick day policy. Andy currently does not get this. His initial bargaining was just... completely missing the point. Do I want to be a full time employee ? Ah ha ha ha. No. No no no. Quite the reverse. 

A small part of me feels sorry for him. He is a nice guy. Past the shit weasel with money thing. And dishonesty. Ha. Jeez. That sounds bad. Look, we all have our flaws. But really. There is a nice guy in there. One thats increasingly anxious as he gets older. Eh. Life sucks. Well. I mean. Lets not get too sympathetic. A dude with two houses a pool, more than £100k of cars on the drive and a big four / five bedroom former manor house hasn't got it too hard eh. Most of us are far worse off than that with much nastier shit to deal with. But still. I do sympathise with almost everyone. Life is not easy. Andy has - amonst other things - some interesting dysfunctions with money. Some. Therapy level issues with money. Habitual pissing money up walls. Always coveting money to the extent it destroys other aspects of his life / relationships ( a tell tale sign of addictive behaviour in other areas ). Relationships come second to money. He wants it. Loves it. Is willing to lie, hide, cheat to get it. Wastes it like no tomorrow. Anxieties up about the whole thing. Repeat. An interesting excercise to dig into the why. What has caused you to be that way ? At the same time, he will help others out that need a job. And pay them. Not much. But will be willing to part with money to help. I think this is part of his paradox. Money shit weasel vs genuinely nice guy. Those two parts of him are sometimes in direct opposition to each other. There are two wolves inside of you, and all that.

Am I nice, or mean about this whole thing ? I find it hard to tell in such situations. Anytime I enforce my boundaries I feel like a bit of a monster. But then. Thats probably the point isnt it. I think. I dont have great objective vision of this. Its a bit cloudy for me.

Positives.

Eh. Despite all the drama. And the cough. And the bullshit. I am feeling kinda perky. A spring in my step. I'm just chilling. And waiting. No rush. Change, one way or another, is on its way. And I feel good about that. Possibly for the first time in my life. And. I've started believing in myself a bit. I've started to actually give myself a bit of credit for the shit I can do. Which again. Is a pretty monumental shift.

It's odd. At one level, I know I am an annoyingly capable fuckface, something of a computer prodigy and yada blah. I see it. Every day. Year after year. As those behind me stumble, crash, can't deal with it. And I sublimely glide by just Doing Shit saying, well this is easy. Yeah. Stop. Its easy for you. But its not easy for everyone else. Apparently. That has taken me a very long time to grok. If I can do it. Why cant you do it. I still dont have a great answer for that. But decades of test data don't lie.

But for all that. I absolutely do not believe in myself. I dont believe I can do shit. Need to be in a sheltered little hole. Keeping my head down. I have the same awkward conversation with people. You can do anything ! Get any job ! Yeah, no, I can't.

The truth is somewhere between the two. And on my day. Yeah. I could do anything. But the world to me is a shitty dark place where nice things dont happen, you always get kicked and that shit never happens. So.

I dont value myself. Whilst simultaneously knowing I do aces.

I know. It's pretty fucky.

I am still mostly convinced that I can't do shit. But there is a glimmer there. A loss of fear. A potential. Well. Yeah. But. I kinda can. Right ?

Like the shrinks say. Don't always think of all the worst outcomes. Also think of the best outcomes. The depressive mind focuses on the negative and ignores the positive.

Huh.

So. Apparently. I'm being a bit more positive in my outlook.

Like waiting for the other shoe to drop there is a small anxiety about when this headwind collapses out of my sails and pitches me back into the abyss.

But maybe not. Maybe. I've learned something. And grown.

Maybe I'm just high on bullshit.

Ha ha.

Failure. Is always an option.

See ? The pessimist always has to have the last word. Fuck that guy.