Mar 3

 Athena is up. I am down.

Athena has a bit more spring to her step lately. The anti arthritic seems to be doing its job. It's not a dramatic change, but there's a noticeable difference. Today she broke into a couple of half decent runs whilst on a walk, and, in general, she has a little more of her old sass about her.

For me, today has not been good. Woke up with a migraine. Slept it off. Went for a walk. Then, as Hazel needed a shop, we went to the supermarket.

Which proved to be too much. I exhausted. Half way through I flagged. I ached. Pain flared. My back ached and took my breath away. A migraine shot across my head. My dizziness increased and the world started to bend. My perceptions of stuff started to alter, the lights too bright, everything slightly shifting, and an increasing sense of everything going out of kilter.

I gritted my teeth. Hunched over the trolley. And everything faded away. Just me. And the trolley. And my breathing. In. Out. Pain. Dizzy. In. Out. Pain. And was zen about hitting the floor if it came to that. I gave myself a 50/50.

Skittering pains in my chest. A sluggish left side. Aching neck. Screeching tinnitus. Splitting migraine.

Delightful.

The dark comedian inside me was amused at the possibility of me going out on the floor of Sainsburys with a heart attack. 

But. Didn't happen.

The migraine was just a headspace thing. Left side migraine. One of the rarer ones. One of the post 2020 New Type Migraines. It's the right side ones that make me lose my shit entirely.

Went home. Slept. Chest twinging. Hands went cold, feet went cold. Eyes sucked into my head. No circulation.

Eh well.

Shit's on fire yo.

Yeah. And ?

Today was a stark example of the problems I face. Overdoing it leads to serious wipeout. Consequences. I cannot function overly long without blowing out. I am at best the walking wounded. And at worst in a terminal spiral.

Acceptance.

Be at peace. Just. Accept it.

I watched trees in the distance. Still winter bare. People walking to and from the supermarket. I realised I had lived long enough. Everyone else was busy living. I was busy reflecting on the end. Different places. Different headspace. Different experience. I'm ready to go. No loss. Long enough. That's ok. And the day comes for us all eventually. If you could choose a day, this one, wouldn't be a terrible one.

I later reflected that some people had more time towards the end. And in a different world I might have had that too. Perhaps I can just stick to what I can do. And wait gracefully, endure the suffering.

Mmm. Difficult.