Bork Slowly Borking

 Sleep is back to that weird panicked state again. I'm not sure if this time around it's just apnoea kicking in again, as often when I wake with a jolt I am also gasping for air. Then again. Even when I'm dozing. And I am conscious. I can feel a mild panic rise up a gasping for breath - and I am not really struggling to breathe. I don't know. Could be a lot of things. Just ignore it. Like everything else. Today despite not getting much sleep I worked for most of the day with just a nap - all I could manage before I jolted out of it - somewhere mid afternoon. I got a bunch of stuff done, which makes a change, albeit, I was productive last week too. Getting up or moving about is painful. Makes me dizzy. All the warning bells go off. And I rapidly run out of energy. It's frustrating on many levels. If I am just going to drop down dead, could we please just get fucking on with it. The hovering on the edge is shit. I have to rise above it. Pretend things aren't out o...

 Today started utterly terrible. For one reason or another my mood was just about as low as it gets. Flat. Depressed to within an inch of my life. Hovering yet again, over the precipice of ending it all. Suicide. And, of course, I felt ill along with it. Because. Why not. Going out to see the shrink today felt again like one of those impossible mountains to climb. I felt like throwing up. My mood was so black. Everything was hopeless. Shit. I wanted nothing more than to go back to bed. Curl up in a ball. Surrender to oblivion. And plot my suicide. Nevertheless. I stuck one foot in front of another. This is me running on bare metal. Fuck the demons. Fuck the screaming. Fuck the nausea. Just. Put. One. Foot. In. Front. Of. Another Like crawling over broken glass. These are the battles no one sees. This is the terrible fight that people don't know. The horrific horrible scars and wars I endure. It is. Abominable.  I made it out, into the car, off we go. Perhaps this is what Hazel...

 The screw turns. Tired today. I could feel it. But I decided to move about, consider cooking some dinner. On a whim I decided to make some yorkshire puddings. Easy. Eggs, flour, milk, whisk. And yet. By the time I stuck them in the oven I felt ill. Really ill. Eyes had sunk into my head, a feeling like they were being sucked into my head. My arms were heavy. Nausea. And my heart skittered. A faint sweat broke out. I felt so goddamn ill. Like. Everything is about to go sideways ill. I sat down. And I thought about my shit predicament. Can't even do the simplest of things without a wave of severe illness. I wished it would end. Just. Just. Break something already. Let it spiral out of control. Kill me. Whatever it's spiralling towards. A heart attack. A stroke. A fit. Whatever it is. It is. At some deep level. Scary. I can feel that existential end come up from the depths. Oh. This is it. Where I feel so ill. Suddenly. Not a flu. Not a stubbed toe. Something  else . And I know....

A layer of exhaustion fuzz sits over me today. I'm ok. But it's noticeable. A slowing building up layer of "dust". A small step down from yesterday. Everything a little more fuzzy. A little slower. A little heavier. A little more lag. Sediment settling on top of the structure. Also. It has to be said. I had a return of the panicked sleep blip. Only the once. But still. Uh huh. But overall, exhaustion wise, it figures. And is very much how this can go. I got lost playing a game yesterday. Lost track of time. Ended up playing for a considerable amount of time. Again, first time that has happened in forever. It has, just that subtle layer of consequences going on beneath it that allow me to suddenly function like that. Because I have a little more energy. Because I am not feeling so ill. Suddenly I don't feel the tug of exhaustion. Sickness. When I have played for "too long". If you are watching closely. You can see all these little signs and flags in me th...

 Finally managed to sleep. 12 odd hours in one go. Thursday half disappeared because of it. I didn't really stir until 5pm. I woke up in a not great but not terrible state. For me, most decidedly up. I checked online just to monitor work, only to find half a dozen panicked messages. Even a text message on my phone. But. I was gone. And these days. It can be hard to get hold of me at the best of times. If I am online, and you know where I lurk online, you're good. If I am not. You're not going to be able to reach me. Not text. Not phone. Nada. A problem had come up at the end of Wednesday to look at. I had investigated, assessed, and as no one offered any direction when asked, and the problem seemed an issue but not an emergency, I had stated a clear schedule of not rushing it, and talking it over with our senior dev next week. However. The usual anxiety train had triggered. Client had phone. Which immediately sets Andy off into high anxiety. Which he immediately looks to tr...

 Running on fumes. Something weird is going on with my exhaustion and sleep cycle. I can't sleep properly. I am bouncing in and out of sleep an hour at a time. And. Everything is weirdly twitchy. I am getting panic spikes - or something - everytime I sleep and it wakes me up. And my twitches are up. It feels like I am in some weirdly exhausted manic state. I don't know. This is new. And I feel. Like I have the flu. Everything is too hot. Way too hot. I feel for want of a better description, like I have a flu. My brain is twitchy and panicky if I try to sleep. I am not really properly sleeping. In out, in out, in out. I am hoping at some point it evens out. Because. It feels very thin. I feel super stretched. Even for me. I don't really know what's going on. I've also been experiencing for the first time in... I don't know. Forever. Hunger pangs at times. Really bad. Something weird is going on with me. I'm not sure if I'm about to fry out in some new exc...