Bork Slowly Borking

 My sleep is somewhat normalised. Awake when it's light. Asleep when it's dark. Not sleeping 18 hours a day. So. Better ? Nausea seems to be a constant issue however. Not as bad as it was. But persistent. If I don't eat. If I do eat. With patches in between where it's ok. It turns me "green". Robs me of motivation of everything except just feeling ill. Ho hum. Today I got in touch with my niece. I have meant to do so for weeks, but, being ill and everything else just gets in the way. Even when I am feeling a bit better - but not well - the effort to talk to someone is a lot. Because you know you are not at your best. You know that you will just blur. And want to curl up and not feel unwell. So. You wait. And a day never comes. Nevertheless today I reached out. I have a few things that maybe of use to her or her kids. Some spare computer hardware. It just goes to waste with me, I have many computers and tablets and laptops. So rather she gets to use them. I off...

 I have struggled today. Enough exhaustion to lay me out. Vague nausea. Unwell. Exhausted. All the recent hits. Lying in bed. My mood crashed hard. What is the point of any of this. Just end it. On a quiet Sunday. Just finish it. It will be days if not weeks before anyone notices. There will be no more daily struggle to get through a day without suffering terribly. No more scratching around trying to piece together some reason to keep going. Just peace. This is the first time I have wavered during the day. Not good. I have shaved my hair off today. Showered. Tried not to talk myself into insanity in the shower. Played a game for no other reason that distraction. And ended up back in bed. Tired. Zombified. Isolated. Hmm. Bad juju.

 I am trying hard at the moment to be "normal". Well. Whatever. At least. Some form of normal hours. Some form of not being a complete shit show. Yesterday I got up at a normal person time - somewhere in the 7ams. Managed to stay awake all day. And then went to bed at somewhere in the 10pms. This is like trying to squeeze a pig through the eye of a needle. Tiredness dogs my heels, I have punchy black eyes. But I have felt worse. Yesterday was plagued by not being able to sit or concentrate or do much at all for longer than 20 minutes. I have since learned that this is actually anxiety but in a form that I had never associated anxiety with. Whilst not pleasant, I will take that form of anxiety over the deep sense of dread, fear and inability to cope with fuck all that is my typical anxiety. Yesterday felt too long. Too much time. I am not used to being up for such long periods of time, I have become used to only seeing a fraction of a day. Seeing a whole day feels like I don...

 The days blur past. Everything feels too quick. I sleep. And two days pass. I sleep again. And suddenly it's a week later. My zen spot is sleep. Everything melts away. No suffering. No misery. No demands. Sometimes I am haunted by dreams - of late anxiety riddled about failing work - but more often than not I either don't remember my dreams or I thankfully don't have them ( they are never good ). I realise that I am always wanting oblivion. It is when you stand back from it a soft opt to not exist. A soft suicide - something I can come back from. But. I am perpetually "better off" in oblivion. Not existing. Really, the only thing between a soft opt for oblivion and a hard one, is the fear of it being final, the worry of how it impacts everyone else, the hassle it would cause some people. But in reality it is pretty thin. The world would continue to turn. A single drop in an ocean. People would cope and move on. Sometimes I wake up at some point in the middle of a...

 Work was super hard this week. Struggled to get shit done. And then a migraine wiping me out for a good portion of Wednesday. My condition is slumping back into its usual super shit state. I have had a handful of better days - not good, but better - but that period seems to be closing. Gout has flared then gone back down again. I think it's more a certain kind of sugar than anything. Bizarrely. I ate a (single) cookie the other day, and 12 hours later, the gout was up. I have noted before some minor correlations about this. To the extent that I have previously swore off cherry bakewells ( a fave ), and some other conspicous sugary things. Not that I have sugar. Once in a rarity. But. If I do.  It's hard to see the wood for the trees because, it could be a bunch of things. I have a vague suspicion as well that it might be what kind of things you eat over a several day period - a slow build up of urea. But. I'm not sure. It's also true that I have gone through periods of...

 Yesterday I had a better day. For the whole day. The day before descended into a slump of exhaustion which got a bit better in the evening, but was the feared backward step. Yesterday however was better all round. Out of nowhere. For no good reason. A break in the clouds. I felt like I had a little bit of strength. I could do things. I felt like talking to people. I felt like doing something. The change between that and the exhausted state is like night and day. I am an entirely different person. Everything changes. You have no anchor dragging behind you. I decided to go for a short walk, but, I felt that bit better that I wanted to go do something more. Get in a car. Visit someone. Have a cup of tea. A chat. As I turned around to venture further out I had a brief worry - oh, is this me overreaching again. Feel a bit better. Blow out energy. Crash. I ignored it. What to do. As an adult I have learned that people in the modern world are inaccessible. They need schedules and times ...