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Nov 20

 Today I have done zero work. None. Nada. Zip. Despite yesterday feeling extra shitty and tired I still failed to sleep, no matter how hard I tried. It was gone 7am before I properly slept. Rather than try to slog through poor quality work today I decided to just take it off. Ostensibly sick. I kept my ear peeled for any emergencies. But otherwise. I rested. Slept. Just. Let it go. Concentrate on feeling better first. Work later. And I feel better for it. That being said. Towards the very late afternoon, feeling a bit better, let me have a 5 minute sit down planning my CnC box, I immediately felt ill again. Nauseous. Weak. Sleepy. Ok. I stopped what I was doing and retreated back to bed. I had been up for all of 20 minutes. Hmm. It crosses my mind whether some of what I go through is just all down to a dodgy stomach. A very surly and bad tempered ulcer that reaches out and makes me feel truly shit, not just in a nausea kind of way, but makes me sleep and feel weak and shaky and etc. A
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Nov 19.2

 Holy fuck damn. After a slightly better day yesterday, most of today has been diabolical. I feel extremely terrible. Like along with the rest of it I have a flu. I don't have a flu. No temperature. No sniffles. But I feel like extra garbage. Today I was mildly useful at work. Sorted out 3 issues, done, dusted, live, no mess. Mildly useful. It was tough to do feeling as shit as I did. Like crawling over broken glass. It is getting into the later evening, and unlike usual where I feel a little better in the evening, I am feeling worse . Not. Good. I don't think I am going to have a problem sleeping tonight. I am going to sink hard. Perhaps this is just a very very shitty sleep cycle reset where I haven't slept enough and now my hours are jerking back to something more normal. Maybe. Also. Suspiciously. For the first time in an absolute age. Many weeks. I had a wheat bread roll yesterday. Today I feel like I have a non feverish flu. As much as that sounds like a slam dunk lin
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Nov 19

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 Yesterday all things considered was a bit of a better day. I actually had some energy and zip for a change, albeit, it dipped and wobbled, nausea came and went, and of course, I slept long. But still. There were moments in the day where I felt ballpark alive. This is a big deal. I am under no illusions however that this is anything more than a temporary blip. It always is. Today I am exhausted. Couldn't sleep. Up in the morning anyway to deal with a work problem - successfully. Which makes a difference. Not beating my head bloody against a miserable wall for a change. Go in. Do something technical. Fiddly. Resolve it where others have failed. And out again, all before lunch. Very good. The Johnny of old. Although I do rather feel that this is less about me, and more about the layers of cruft that are now accreting at work. On the one hand - I am much less burdened with day to day stuff. On the other hand. The work process slowly fills with pointless shit, wasted time and modern va
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Nov 18

 My days are normalising into a pattern based around my current shape of ill health. Sleep is difficult, but when I do sleep, then waking is difficult. State switching then perhaps is the difficult thing. There are consequences to this. My sleep refuses to hit some regular pattern and instead continually shifts backwards, as when I wake up I feel terrible, and my best periods are often when I have been awake the longest, meaning there is a high pressure there to keep sleeping or stay awake respectively. I am idly considering turning to the outright evil that is some kind of sleeping aid, although I am very wary of such a crutch. But perhaps a nudge or two at the right point would be useful. So. I get up late. "late". This is anything from 2pm through to gone 6pm. I then stay up late. In practice, typically beyond 5am. Even if I attempt to sleep at any point beyond midnight, I don't sleep. Sleep wise. I need an absolute minimum of 10 hours. 10 hours is feel like shit, very
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Nov 16

 Big time nausea today. Perhaps it's one of those things. Perhaps it's because I slacked on my "anti ulcer protocols". I neglected to take an anti histamine. I didn't dose with antacid. Worst bout of nausea yet. It has very very slowly receded into the familiar background sea sick level of nausea. But I also feel shit along with it. Sketchy. Weak. Shaky arms. I feel terrible. Today has been hard to get even a glimmer of positivity then. It's hard not to succumb to the misery of always feeling ill, spiralling down, can't do shit. At my best I can get on with it. Tell myself to rest. Tomorrow maybe a better day. At worst, there is a realisation that the better days don't come, it's just a series of varyingly shit days, and that I linger in some suffering twilight purgatory. My friends words of "you wont die tomorrow, but you maybe suffering for the next 10 years" frequently haunt me. Because I know she has more than a point. All I want to d
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Nov 15

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 A tiny bit better today. I slept long. But did not fall into a horrible pit. Just a mildly shit one. Which honestly is better. I have forgotten what good feels like. I'll take merely shit. The gout stubbornly remains, not terrible, not right either, bright red inflammation still visible, an ache all over, pain when you tense, but, meh, it has been far far worse. I finished watching all of the Fargo series today. The last series, series 5 is excellent. And chimes queasily with the existential horror that the US is currently being sucked down into. About patriots. And stupidity. Cruelty. Christianity twisted into forms of hate and torture. Great series. Not so easy to watch in todays world. It underlines a very ugly portrait of America. It left me hating the US all the more. Not good. I guess in a way, this is one of the things that makes the series great. A US production that does not shy away from taking a very hard look at some very ugly characteristics of American chauvinism. I
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Nov 14

 Lunch was indeed wildly optimistic today. I couldn't do it. Wiped out. So I cancelled. And ended up sleeping and sleeping and sleeping... until the sunset. Nausea is down today but present. A continual background hum of slightly green around the gills feeling. The gout grumbles. The tinnitus screeches. And if I get up and do something useful with myself I break out in a sweat, the nausea increases, and I have to sit down. Today I absolutely needed to go out for a few groceries. I could have ordered them in, done the thing, waited a few days. But I also haven't stepped outside my frontdoor in a week. Bed, to kitchen, to bathroom and back. That's it. I could be living in a bunker at this point. So I gritted my teeth and went out. It was not easy. I felt like shit. Nausea ramped up. Awful. Anxiety about just being well enough to not collapse somewhere out in the world. The grocery shopping I maintained however. Not too ill, not getting worse. A slow walk around getting some n
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