Bork Slowly Borking

 Yesterday. Was edge of crisis day. If not wandering across the edge at times. Hard to describe. Short version. Dangerous. Losing the plot point. Very no bueno. A friend fished me out and talked to me online. Concern. Suggested I ask Hazel to stay a few days. I have done so. Hazel is staying for a few days. I warned her I might have a meltdown. That's ok she said. I had some minor meltdowns instead with her present. Just. How hard it was. How hard stupid fucking bullshit fuckface being ill all the time was. And on. And other stuff. And fuck my life. And so sad. So very very sad. And lost. And anxious. Too much. Is the short version. So. The issues here are. Chronic illness giving me fuck all wiggle room. Nausea. Nausea is, apparently, one of the strongest ticklers of anxiety. The body doesn't like nausea. And turns up the anxiety dial because "hey, shit's wrong, lets be worried and watchful, we're under attack". Ok. This isn't a psychological thing. This i...

 Hmm. Symptoms have shifted around today. Rightside hearing is blown out worse. Cotton wool head. Not good. Thoughts are laggy and scattered. Dizzy. Noises make me start. Icing on cake. Heating buggered up sometime last night. Is now broken.  Sense of overwhelm just about complete. I think someone is trying to tell me something.  I have to wait for a delivery today. I want to scream. End it. Even waiting for a delivery feels too much. Somewhere in the back of my head the scientist looks on. Well. This is a result of permanent dimished state. If all days are bad days. Then bad luck days. Or multiple bad luck days. Are going to kill you. It's just math. This is what it means to be vulnerable. You've got to a point where you can't really look after yourself. Some of the time you can skate by. Just.  

 Ironic. Today I've had a migraine. Perhaps something in me knew the oncoming signals from a lot further out. Yesterday felt  migraine adjacent . Today was absolutely migraine. But. Not my usual pattern. This was low and slow, I anticipated it, protective. But this was low and slow. And did not resolve after 4 hours. It has stuck around for a long time. A very very slow burnout. My head is woozy and laggy. Dizzy. Hearing in my right side has noticeably deadened. And tinnitus is at its highest squeal. The the ill malaise has persisted. Today has ended up being as bad as yesterday. And worse in places. I tried playing a game this evening. Made it for all of an hour. Had to tap out. I have belatedly eaten. It has not done me any favours. Perhaps I have picked something up, some winter cold or the like to overlay ontop of the riot of my bullshit. Perhaps not. Today has been spent mostly curled in a ball again. This evening is forced into a defensive ball. Asleep for the most part....

The short and long of this is - Surprise. My migraines and my "CFS" ( dysautonomia at this point ) are quite probably linked. Same thing. Different outcomes. Who knew.   So. I've had killer migraines for decades at this point. Got my first one having moved to Norwich. Brutal. Over the years I have learned very costly lessons about what they can do to me and what can help - somewhat. Typically my migraines follow the same pattern -  build up phase - you can ignore this at your peril, will slowly get worse killer phase -      early - migraine headache develops, severe pain often above eye, urge to "drill a hole in your head" to relieve it.      early - mid - body spirals out of control, breaks out in severe "fever" sweats, nausea spikes      mid - fever sweats continue. hard cycle between vomit and intense headache. these two states shift between each other in minutes long bursts. quickly empty any stomach contents. still vo...

 Very bad today. It is 2pm give or take. I have come up for air. But I can't sustain being up here. I feel ill. And very nauseous. And a headache. And fog. And punchy eyes. And on. And on. The malaise is brutal today. All I have done today is make my way down to the bathroom and grabbed some water. That's it. And in doing so I collided with a shelf and wiped it out. Because I am not all there. Not entirely aware of where and what my body is doing. A thought occurred to me whilst getting my water. This is not entirely dissimilar again from that flu like feeling. It feels like I have a bad flu. It comes with more fun than that. But part of it. Is that same fog and ill and nausea and bleh. And I considered, when I had flu before I wouldn't spiral out. You just get on with it. I'm ill. It's not good. Horrible. But it'll resolve. And then I realised. This isn't like having a flu once in a year. It's like having flu every week. Week in. Week out. It never give...

 Rough day today. Perhaps it was the fucky sleep. Perhaps it was the morning crash. Then the afternoon crash. Then the evening crash. Today has been a very low ebb day where I have felt particularly ill all day. Just. The malaise dialled up high. Today is the first day in a week or so where I have struggled in the morning. But all round today was hard. Having come off a real dip in mentalry last morning, today, perhaps unsurprisingly, the mentals have wobbled hard. I have dipped in and out of hopelessness. It is hard. When curled up in a ball feeling nauseous for the umpteeth time. To feel hopeful. I have wobbled. Hard. At times that ending it all feeling has been close and real. Not in a dramatic way. Just a practical way. Are we there yet buddy. I think we might be there. No one would blame you. And it would be a relief. I stood in the kitchen today. Barely able to stick a small ready meal in the microwave. So fucking far down the capability slope. It's. I don't know how to e...