Bork Slowly Borking

 Predictably yesterday, by the time early evening rolled around I crashed. It had been a busy - for me - day. My friend had coaxed me online to play a couple of games. Which I did. And I felt the first kick of it someway through playing. That shift in nausea. Oh. I feel  sick . I ignored it. And then the deep tiredness. Voice started to shift and break. Everything slowed. Heavier. And heavier. Ah ha. Ok. This is me done. I went to bed and crashed very hard. Black out no movement. This is that weird exhaustion flatline that I picked up first in 2020. Not anything like I had ever experienced before. A bizarre hardcore zeroing out of energy deeper than any tired feeling I had had before, and right on its heels that horrible sense of unwellness and imbalance, and push it slightly more, you start to get to a passing out stage. This is apparently, not just a "you're tired" tick. And, given its absolute depth and dramatic consequences, it doesn't feel like that. This is the ...

 Hmm. Didn't take the key in over the weekend. I marshalled my strength, eventually got my ass into gear only to be confronted with heavy snow outside. Ok. Perhaps not today then. It kept going through my head as I was trying to gather my strength and wellness to do it - this is exactly what the bargaining thing is. Where you know you are risking a blow out. And you are trying to wheedle, nudge, manage or just bluster your way through it. I considered that I didn't have much of a choice and had to do it. So the day being called off with a snow day was actually a relief. I immediately collapsed back into bed and slept. Uh huh. Nausea has come and gone cycling over a few hours for most of the weekend. Not good. Sunday. I just lost Sunday entirely. I ended up spending 28 hours in bed. Not moving beyond bathroom visits and water. Not eating. And for almost all of that 28 hours. Sleep. I would wake at points, only for 2 minutes later to feel nauseous. Turn over. And sleep again. Non...

 Major downturn. Nausea. Ill. Very low energy. Tired. Pains. The dial has turned. Is this the slow sting in the tail or just how it goes. Hard to say. All motivation or any sense of stability has disappeared. It's like being on the verge of rushing off to throw up. Except. It's not that. It's a background ill. It's bad enough that you can feel your patience has been dialled all the way down. Can't sit and watch a video - within 10 seconds. You want it over. Stop. No. It's not the video. It's me. It's a displaced reaction to feeling the way I do. It's my body signalling to me that this isn't right. This is bad. Stop. Do something. But there's nothing to be done but just wait. Or try to return to sleep. Tricky. These are the worst kind of days. The days where I can't do  anything . I can. Get a drink of water. Go to the bathroom. That's it. I can't lose myself in a film or a story. I can't watch videos. I certainly can't pla...

 Eh. Somewhat of a crash. But not a catastrophic ill kind of crash. Ish. So I ended up sleeping 18 hours out of a 24 hour cycle. Uh huh. This is absolutely not uncommon territory for me. I would class that as, not great, but, a fairly well worn path. Bad would be when that nudges into a number that gets to 20+. I mean. At that point... Anywho. After that very long sleep cycle. I got up. Had porridge. Played some games. Was ok. I felt. In a few spaces.  Good  even. Gasp. I mean. Not good good. Not. Running down the road, yes I have all my energy back good I am cured it's a miracle. But. Not nauseous. Not wiped out. Not ill. Ok to sit and chill. And not have any fucking alarms going off. By my standards. This is good. And you can tell. Because I buck up. I become more chatty. More relaxed. The death grip releases a little. And I can breathe. So. Not bad. Punished for my bullshit. But not wiped out. After talking to the Thinking Machines about CFS in general and the conclusi...

 updating you on todays symptoms with my CFS, autonomic issues et al that we have talked about before. Today. I have.. what I call... "taken the piss". I had to do a physical task today, take my car to the garage to get it looked over. Involves me getting ready. Getting out of the house. Social masking. Getting home. I was very tired on getting home. But. Did *not* retreat to a resting state / position. My friend asked to play some games. Which I did so. I was very aware this was Not Good. And pushing past warnings, and what I know to be very punishing terrain. Stayed up as long as I could - nausea dramatically increased, exhaustion, brain fog, muscle pains. Pushed to the last moment. Couldn't even eat at that point, collapsed into bed. Couldn't immediately sleep... weirdly... too exhausted to immediately sleep. Then slept. During sleep could feel I felt "awful", horrible heavy exhuastion everywhere and a lot of muscle pain. Woke up 4 hours later feeling utt...

It is perhaps fitting that my literal first experience of 2026 was CFS related severe pain and body exhaustion. The all over submersion into the pool of acid. Every muscle squealing. This was my immediate thought on groggily coming to just before and during the New Years fireworks popping off. How apt my first 2026 moments where. Start. As you mean to fucking go on. But. How did we get here.   Yesterday I took the car to the garage to see if they could figure out its intermittent - probably wiring - fault. Whilst I had an attempt at resetting my hours, doing this is very hard for me, and I ended up with a halfway compromise of resting more, but, still fucky hours. Dropped the car off for 8am. Having not been to sleep. But felt reasonably ok. A moment of relative stability. By the time I got home from dropping the car off I was buzzy as fuck. And very much pushing my luck. But it was ok. Ish. I stayed up. Trying to reset my hours more. Pushing my luck more. My friend popped bac...