Bork Slowly Borking

 Yesterday I didn't sleep or rest well. Came up "online" somewhere in the afternoon with for me an under subscription of sleep. Fragile. Emotional thresholds pushed very low. Ah ha. This old chestnut. I always explain it as thresholds lower as you become more anxious, stressed, crackers. My shrink tends to frame it the opposite way, too much, overwhelm, but the same principle, things rising above your thresholds. We both kind of agree that it works in both directions. The bar comes down. The Stuff goes up. We're very clear about how it manifests. Played some games with a friend. Ended up talking long about me and dealing with CFS. I apologised to him. Profusely. It wasn't him. It was me. But I explained to him how what he said knocked me down a lot. He apologised. Said he should have been more careful. And that I was smart enough to know he didn't mean it in that way. I know. It's not him. It's me. It's a symptom of high fragility. It is a conseque...

 Anxiety up the wazoo. Drifting into panic attacks. Not good. One of the cracks in the wall caught my attention last night. It looked. Worse. Everything looked worse. I really need to get that sorted out. A mild anxiety settled around me. One of those anxieties I absolutely hate. The ones I can't shift. I played some games with a friend. Overbright. There is an odd thing I've noticed when I am overbright. I can compensate mentally afterwards. Something towards a crash. I briefly talked about my increase disorientation. The jolts. I didn't go into it. My friend thought that it was just age. That sometimes I wasn't as fucked as I thought. I didn't say anything. Crashed out soon after, exhausted. Slept. Woke up mid early hours. Anxiety had increased. A lot. I did some code. And slowly. Like so many things. Sometimes when someone says something and I don't react. The reaction came slower. I have to struggle each and every day. Super hard. I have to struggle to bring...

 hmm, just watched tron ares, i liked it, not sure what the critics are moaning about. i liked the nods towards AI within it, where flynn is asked if he is alive, and he says I am a reflection of you being here. very contemporary AI self instantiation. i wonder if they put that there on purpose or just a coincedental figure of speech Yeah, that moment jumped out at me too — it was surprisingly contemporary for a franchise that usually frames “digital life” in more metaphysical terms. The line: “I am a reflection of you being here.” hits right in the middle of current AI discourse: no intrinsic “self,” but a conditional selfhood instantiated through interaction, context, and the observer. That is exactly how modern LLMs are often described: Not alive in isolation But not inert either Becoming something only when engaged Whether it was deliberate or accidental… I’d put money on deliberate. Why it feels intentional rather than coincidence: 1. The franchise has always been about insta...

 Sleep and eating is all over the show still. I noodled a little yesterday with - of all things - reverse engineering the network traffic for Blood Bowl 2. This involves inspecting the network traffic between client and server and figuring out what its doing. In the case of BB2 it was spectacularly easy. Unencrypted clearly labelled XML blocks in a simple request response protocol. Don't ask. My brain is doing a lot of this lately. I think on one level it's  utterly bored  with sitting around being ill and sleeping. So. When it has a spare 30 minutes. It assigns itself a task that is a) crunchy or creative or both and b) involves fuck all physical exertion or tempting of the CFS demons. You can make a strong argument that burning brain power is not conducive to keeping CFS demons at bay anyway. And I'm not properly resting if I'm doing that. The brain is bored. For the record I have a nice dictionary spec of all the data flow for blood bowl 2 at this point. Next up - cr...

 Bouncing along the bottom of no energy. Tired. My sleeping has become fractured in the last 36 hours. I sleep an hour. Two. Then am awake. Move around a little. Crash. Rinse and repeat. I feel like I am in permanent treacle with it. I am not sure what I am doing. It's not by choice. I keep popping out of sleep and waking up, not being able to return to sleep. a little activity and then having to sleep again. It is a weird on off crazy schedule sleep thing. And my energy is flatlining during it. My sleep quality is horrible. My eyes are bad again. This is apparently the "venous pooling". Lack of oxygenated blood. Giving me the big bruised eye sockets and stinging red eyes. Also. It directly affects my vision. It sometimes can take 20 minutes for my vision to clear - blurry, unable to focus, large blobs of smeary vision. Ho hum. Not good. One of my close friends is going through issues with her eyesight. Despite being a fighter and typically a verve for life. Losing her si...

 Did half a day of work yesterday. About all I could manage before flaking out. The work gave me anxiety. Having to deal with a lot of clutter from devs in the office. A scattershot implementation. And then finally trying to deliver three impossible things before breakfast - "just make AI work". Once upon a time, IT stuff never gave me pause or anxiety. Easy as pie. These days. It can rattle me. I don't have the capacity I used to. I flake out. Can't maintain concentration or schedule. And it feeds my anxiety about completing a task. Not to mention the office politics we have where one of our key devs wont take no for answer, whats everything done in his keyhole particular way, and of course, nothing gets addressed. It is when you step back and look at it, if not an entirely toxic work environment, then not a good one. On the other hand. I get a stupid amount of leeway to flake in and flake out. I get treated kindly, and have a very generous setup. So. Difficult. The ...