Bork Slowly Borking

 Nausea has kicked in hard the latter half of today. It has gone from a problem, to a real problem. If I eat anything it makes it worse, feel bloated, sluggish and sick. It is now midnight. Exhausted. Black eyes. And nausea. Eh. So tired. I should chase the GPs. Not sure I have the energy. I have limped to the bathroom ready for bed. I am always surprised how low I can go without tapping out completely. Like some horrible endurance race. I shuffled through the kitchen. My mood firmly planted in the end of things. The light at the end of my tunnel is oblivion. Well. At least, maybe, the suffering will end ? Hum ho. Time for sleep. I don't want to wake up again. Let today be the last day. Please.

 Nausea for most of the day yesterday. I couldn't concentrate on shit. So work went by the wayside. Today is a similar story, less nausea, but feel ill and exhausted. This shit is why I doubt whether I can keep work up. Trying to clear some hours of feeling better in a day to do something like work can be super hard. Ho hum. Nephew is not doing great. A continuance. I haven't checked into mental well being charities and the like for him - barely have the energy, and when I have had a little, I've either put it into work, or dropping things off for people. He definitely needs help, and it sucks that I am at such a low ebb that doing that is hard. I am burning out a bit at the moment. Been doing too much. On the other hand. I'm not the only person in the world here that could help him. Why is it just my fucking shoulders it sits on. But this is the way of the world I find. You either do it yourself, or nothing ever gets done. It is one of my frustrations with people. Lif...

 Had a slightly better nausea day again yesterday. It largely stayed away and when it did show up it was more of the I don't feel right, too stuffed, mild nausea type shenanigans. So better. But still fairly shit. So I had a little more energy yesterday. I actually made a simple roast dinner for the first time in.. since Christmas ( so what's that average out at, a roast dinner 4 times a year ? ho ho ). I also fiddled some more with the waste pipe situation. It turns out I've fixed the original problem, but a new/old problem has surfaced with the old pipes. At this point I think it needs to be pulled out and redone entirely. Which I absolutely don't have the energy for, so, will probably need a plumber. The leaky problem is way better than it was - to the extent it's usable - but it's something that should be properly sorted. I'm kinda pleased I fixed the original problem. Big tick. But then as is this way with cranky old shit that hasn't been touched fo...

 A little bit better today. The nausea was absent in the morning. Shocking. But as the morning turned to afternoon, sure enough it turned up, making me feel very ill, enough to make me retreat back to bed. And then I slept some. The nausea has hovered in a faint way ever since. Nothing too extreme, but also ever present, draining all motivation and capability to do shit. I have had worse. So. I suppose that's a thing. But it is also frustrating at the very least that it incapacitates me. I will need to chase the GPs next week. It's been a week and a half since I sent them a note asking for an appointment. Radio silence. I honestly wonder what the point of them is anymore. Apparently the GP and hospital service down where my family is is much better. They certainly seem to get appointments quicker and follow ups through the hospital. I wonder if it's more of a problem up my way. Certainly things like mental health services here are notoriously some of the worst in the countr...

Still here. Still shit. Yesterday was a bit better, less nausea, but still a lot. Today has been variable. Up and down. Nausea is a persistent issue and really serving to finish me off on top of all the other shit flaring up. Tinnitus has been screeching like a demon over the last few days too. So. That's nice. A lot of blips, zaps and twitches with the nervous system. Excellent. None of these are nice. Today I ventured out a couple of times between - and sometimes during - bouts of abject nausea. I made a shit stab at fixing the leak under my sink. I know what the problem is - the washing machine installers totally bodged the waste pipe fit. Now I have a non standard waste pipe problem to fix. They don't actually make the bits I need. Close. But no cigar. So after trying half a dozen different things - and finally now knowing way too much about waste pipe sizes ( why the fuck they don't make these things fixed on one standard I'll never know ), I think I will have to ...

 There is a new angle to all of this. Well. Not new exactly. The thought of suicide looms large. Not out of some fit of absolute emotional pain. But heres the different breeze. Because I am beyond struggling with the physicality of it. Even at rest now I am suffering all the time. There is no relief. It's no way to live. The very calm, rational, logical, perfectly ok thought to me sits in my head. Just end it. It's ok. You've tried. It's not getting better. The alternative is just suffering. No one is going to save me. It's not about cheering up. Or having company. Or stuff to do. It's about being in constant state of suffering to one extent or the other. I can plaster a mask on for short periods. Which is just a show for others. Not for me. I slump even harder afterwards. What on earth is the point. Not even just a, I don't know what the purpose of life is. This is a bona fide, I am suffering physically here. There is no relief. I don't know. It is com...