Jun 6

 So I'm on a daily dose of maximum crazy pills. Either it's a coincidence or they're doing their work as I start to not climb the walls each day. I'm pretty sure it's the pills.

Worked off and on this week, not greatly productive, not the worst either, at times it's hard just to sit upright. Sometimes the lights flick on and I can do a bunch of work. And other times. I am just a write off.

I talked with Andy again this week about the state of play. He re-iterated that he doesn't care if I do nothing. He just wants me there. Because if I'm not there, things go pear shaped. He wants me there for advice. For nudges. Work on top of that is just a bonus. And I am not, at all, to burn myself out. If I do a Tuesday and that's all I can do. That's fine.

Uh huh.

He is being very careful with me, and I appreciate it.

It still doesn't make me like where I am, or the capability I've lost. I guess what it is doing is not pushing me to just quit it all. I think Andy has a very good handle on where I am, and the real doubt I have about continuing to work or the value I give.

Anyway.

This week I have checked on Hazel from day to day. It would seem that at the final call I am always compassionate. No matter what someone has done to me. I don't like to see people suffer. And I know Hazel will face a tough time in the absence of Poppy. So. I've checked on her. Doing ok. Still coping. But the grief started to crack she said the other day.

Uh huh.

So yesterday I dragged both myself and her out. She was disengaged. Switched off. Left it up to me. So I said we should go grab a cup of tea. And a snack. And she was much the better for it.

I picked her up, she got into the car. We shared a truly haunted look. What can you say ? For the first time since I've basically known her there were no dogs. No Ares. No Athena. No Poppy. The emptiness was very apparent.

She took my hand and we just sat and held hands for a while in silence.

Because there isn't anything you can say. Just a moment of human connection.

In the end I spent a good chunk of the day with her. I overdid it to be frank. We got a tea and a snack. Then we walked about the market and got lunch. Sat and talked. And then I took her home. Before we went out again to pick a few things up, a burger for her, then back to hers again. Before finally I went home.

It kept us both plenty distracted.

I didn't dig about Poppy. She didn't offer. We both kind of avoided it.

But in the end. She said that she had a run around on her last day. And a massive doubt set in me. A guilt. It floored me. But I couldn't ask Hazel if she had been sure. Sure it was the right thing to do. How can you ask someone that. It's a shit thing to ask. Even if my own doubts were gnawing at me.

She sensed I was very sad. She asked.

I carefully. And apologetically. Asked about Poppy. She was in pain. She wasn't just restless. What were the signs. She explained it all. I apologised mutiple times. I didn't want to question her. She was ok with it.

I cried a little. And accepted it had been her time.

But still the guilt and doubt gnaws at me.

It seems I am not good with it. I always doubt the end. Was it right. One more day. Was I wrong. Was she wrong.

It's madness really.

There is a part of me that lies very uneasily with it. Part of my issues with loss I think.

You cannot say I do not care.

I care. A lot. Above all else. I care. It matters. It would be so much easier if I didn't.

Ho hum.

Anyway. The day was good for both of us I think. I left her having checked that she was talking to her dad. Yes. Her dad was also upset about Poppy. He said he was going to come and visit her. Help her with a few things. I gently said that was good. And he was trying. And that he loved her to bits. And that she could be mean. Don't be mean. She said she knew. So. A good sign. And I am glad. She needs people in her life.

She is off to her Aunts next week for a week. And soon after her boyfriend is coming over from the US. So she is being kept busy.

I went home incredibly sad.

It is the small things.

The small things you realise you will never get to experience again.

I will miss Poppy. I miss all the things I have lost. And at times it cuts me to pieces. There is something wrong with me. That it hurts so much. So often. It is who I am. I care too much. And I am very aware of the difference between when something is present and when it is. My rat trap brain can recall in minute detail what was lost. The smallest of things. I think maybe. That's part of it. That I can recall things precisely in great detail. Those ghosts haunt me.

Hum ho.

Life is sad.

I just. Have to. Live with it. Somehow.

In any case.

I am glad I got to see Hazel. I am glad to have helped her out. Despite everything.

I just want people to be happy. To suffer less. I know how terrible it is to live life in pain. And I don't want that for anyone.

That's it.

I have left a lot out of this post. It will be lost to time. Somewhere in there. I missed my mom. Which triggered missing Poppy. And Athena. And Ares. And my mood shifted down. And Hazel saw it in 5 seconds. Your mom ? she said. Yeah.

Sigh.

I'm so broken.