Jun 25

 Touch wood of late the CFS has been giving me an easier time lately. This is almost certainly due to me basically not moving, not doing shit, and sleeping a lot.

The nausea, which may or may not be CFS related, is still a fixture however.

After going out Monday for the therapy session, then working Tuesday, Wednesday a fairly full couple of days and also going out today to get my ears sorted out... the CFS has returned to remind me that, yes, you do have CFS, and no, you can't be doing shit like this without getting punished for it.

I am absolutely drained through my feet.

I can't even get the energy to sit up and sit at a computer. ( I am slumped in bed with a laptop, which, it has to be said, is also an effort ).

The heat is not helping. Of course at the moment, mid evening, the temperature is only allegedly registering at 24.7C. Which is warm, but not hot. The humidity however has settled in at 77%. And the 24.7C feels more like mid 30's at the very least in that smothering blanket but not direct heat kind of way.

"Humidity above 70%: The air can feel stifling and suffocating at very high humidity levels. It can lead to excessive sweating, even without physical exertion." 

Uh huh. 

It's mostly been the humidity in the last few weeks that has been the killer. Suffocating indeed.

I came across another foreigner vlog in the UK type thing dealing with the current weather here. A chinese lady. I am used to 40C weather in China she says. I cannot handle the UK heat. It hits different. It is impossibly hot. My face is melting. My ice cream is melting. I am melting. It is too hot for there to be no AC.

I saw a similar feed from a Texan. Who could not stay outside in 32C weather. Something about the UK weather makes the heat difficult she said.

Uh huh. 

Who can say. It's probably the stealth humidity. The UK does have a very unique weather pattern because of where it sits geographically. It sits at an odd clashing point of weather systems and temperatures, with an ocean one side of it, and seas all around, and winds that can come up from the oven of the Sahara and drop sand everywhere, but also get hit by the polar vortices that send the temperature in the upper atmosphere plummeting hard. Unusual. I think there's probably something beyond just the humidity and just the temperature that makes the heat in the UK particularly difficult to deal with. Perhaps it's just that and a combination of zero AC anywhere, so, you get no relief. At all. In buildings designed to protect from the cold, not the heat. But I dunno. Something itches at the back of my head that there's something else going on that isn't accounted for. Something to do with mixing air types where the UK is situated. Surrounded by sea water. Hmm. I would make a tentative bet that there's a particular kind of atmospheric mechanism going on that isn't well looked into.

Anywho. All my windows are permanently open. And in a sign of the humidity a number of them end up with pooling water forming on the *outside*. In 25C + weather. Like a hot fog. Condensing on the cooler windows. 

This week at therapy I talked mostly shit. More about the world. And the universe. And Everything. Like a sad Douglas Adams perhaps.

I lead the shrink through my village theory of the mind. They liked that. And also the compression of abstraction that is language. They very much liked that. They hadn't considered it before. I didn't go into those things cold. There were related topics of conversation that touched on it. Or demanded it. The village theory was output because the shrink thought I wasn't receptive to the idea of different parts of you inside yourself. No no. I said. Grinned. And went into my theory. So yeah. I absolutely believe something like that is going on.

We then talked a little about my childhood. Parents. My theory of why I was some of the way I was. I said I could be wrong. It could be a false narrative I have built. But. I think it's correct. I explained the lack of support. The need to react to volatility.

For the record the shrink thought I was spot on. I had been trained to look for and placate those who were having a Bad Time. To not do so was to be punished. Also. The lack of affection, love, etc was reflected in my own zero sense of self worth. And my difficulty in dealing with any kind of complement or praise.

None of these things were revelatory. They were basically confirming back what I told them. Yes. Yes. And likely yes. 

I said there were similar traits in my siblings. We are very different. But I explained the shared traits.

That also made sense the shrink said. The same parental pressures being brought to bear.

Again. Not revelatory. Yes. You are following the thread I put down. This is my reasoning. This is my observations. A follows B. 

I jokingly said that from one point of view, well done parenting. It has created people that are self sufficient, stand on their own two feet, roll up their sleeves, get shit done when everyone else flakes out.

The shrink, as always sensitive to any of that kind of negative self deprecating stuff frowned and said very seriously, at what cost.

Sure. I was kind of joking I said. I understand it is not good.

I think when you frame it clearly like that. At what cost. It becomes very apparent to me that that was never in my old mans vocabulary. Cost. No such thing. You keep on going. Until you bleed out, heaven is on fire and hell in ruins. Grit your teeth. Keep going. The bloody martyr. That is my dad all over. You go all in. Maximum violence. There is no sense of balance or zen. Just self destructive drive. And you can see that has been branded into all of us. On pain of being thought weak. Or lesser. Unworthy. Contempt. Starved of any positivity at all, and, if you fail to meet those standards, you don't even get acknowledgement of existence.

My old man has a strong self destructive streak in him. At times he almost delights in it. To go out. With a bang. Of pain. And violence. And drama. I have that streak to a lesser extent in me too. That is definitely shaped by my old man. Whether I want it or not. 

Funny thing.

You can see the cruelty in all of it. The raising of kids in that environment. Where my old man despises life. Himself. The world. Is depressed and hopeless with it. Can only find form in crazed violence against it all. And instills in his family the need to go down snarling.

But it is not obviously - on the surface - cruel. Walk into the family home. It is not immediately obvious. It's the long game cruelty. The environment. The mentality. The ideology. The big picture. It is twisted to fuck. Good for producing berserkers, suicidal loners and above all, competent doers. That burn out.

Hmm.

For the record the shrink continues to be horrified at my situation. Background. Current predicament.

Uh huh.

But again they identified this week. No kindness for me. Only others. It is a recurring theme.

Be kind to yourself they will no doubt say.

I know that. I preach it to others. And despite me being a hard ass on myself, I do, occasionally, say sorry to myself. I said that to them last week. Sometimes I stop. And say sorry to myself. Sorry it is so hard. Sorry it is so shit. I wish I could make that better for you ( me ).

Eh meh.

I also related this week the emotional unavailability of both my parents, and, you can see it replicated in my siblings. For my part, I have corrected that one. If anything I am too free and easy with emotions now. I noted a recent manifestation in my sister, who just like my brother, her kids have difficulty talking to her. About problems. Worries. Issues they face. They hide them from her.

I said that I had very gently pointed this out to my sister who was confused because she said she always was available to listen and yada and blah. And yes. I can see it. But what she doesn't realise is she still apes the parents ways.

I told the shrink about my niece being very worried that she was being judged on her broad cockney accent. People were sneering at her. Her mom, my sister, on hearing this shut it down. Don't worry about it. Forget it. Doesn't matter. We all get that. And swiftly moved on. I said that I was horrified at that response. That is not what you do in the face of someones fears. You listen. And understand. And empathise. And take time for them to open up and they feel they can trust you and not be judged. Which is what I did with my niece. And on further listening it seemed that at least some of it was my niece projecting her fears onto others that simply wasn't there. She feared judgement. And so then found it. Where there was none.

The shrink listened and agreed.

My sister had shut my niece down. Dismissed her. Closed off the conversation. Not supportive. Not good.

I said this then taught her kids when you have a problem - don't share it, you will get pushed away.

Yes.

The shrink also agreed with my projection assessment too.

It's good. To get another pair of eyes on stuff. Yes. You do see what you think you see. Ok. Cool.

I have debated a little telling my sister some of this. As gently as I can.

On the one hand. If she absorbed it. It would be very helpful for her relationship with her kids.

On the other hand. It's sensitive. My only reward here is liable to be being burned for it. Letting sleeping dogs lie and the cards falling where they will... is easy.

Cowardice to not say something ? Or wisdom ?

Helpful to speak up ? Or just causing upset ?

I don't know.

In a lovely perfect objective world, it would only be positive to point it out.

We don't live in that world.

I think.

I will keep my peace on the matter.

Difficult.

Like so many of these things in life. That tricky decision between opening your mouth and intervening, or keeping silent and letting fate do as it does.

I know from experience there is - usually - no thanks in there any way you do it. Only reprimand. 

The ignorant truly do have the best end of the bargain. They don't know better. Can't be blamed for anything. Easy.