Jan 20

 Yesterday was hard.

I dragged myself half dead into the shower. Not good. Under ordinary circumstances I would not be doing this. This was pure grinding bare metal stage here. No oil. No lubrication. Shaving bits of the machine off. Everything you do is just adding to the damage. Ah yes. Here again.

So I did the thing despite the thing.

I left early. 30 minutes early to travel 10 minutes.

I ended up nearly late. Somewhere between here and there I lost that time. I was slow. Slow moving. Slow walking. Slow transition between the two. I was surprised at the time gap. Where did that time go. But. Then not surprised. This is what my normal days feel like. Blips of hours if not an entire day or two.

Starting therapy was hard. I made it to the chair and slumped. Brain. Mostly offline. Not ready to talk. Not ready to do shit. I asked - automatically - how was the shrink. Easy. No brain required. Reflex. Ask of their welfare. Listen. Briefly check their body language. But. I couldn't do the second bit. No energy. I only made it to the shrinks feet before flatlining.

We didn't talk about a huge lot this week. I meant to ask some questions around my brother. But it didn't come out like that. Instead we talked about my frustration with work. In general. Talked about what I thought was going on healthwise. Talked a little about my discomfort with identifying as clever. Or capable. It makes me squirm. But that I think I am getting better with it. I can say it now, sometimes. I am still gunshy of it. And it makes me want to peddle backwards and disappear. But. I can say it. Sometimes. And then go into an internal zen routine. Breathe. Cope. It's ok. No need to squirm. Sit still. Sit still. Heh.

The shrink noted that when I mentioned it I either winced, or physically pulled back, hunched up my shoulders. Eh yeah. Its pretty strong. We talked about why that is. Long story short. Childhood. Again. Johnny cannot state they are a thing. That's not making yourself small. Which makes you noticeable. Which makes you unsafe. Which makes you punished.

Uh huh.

It's also a pretty strong drive to try to not be an asshole. Always. Check yourself. Always. Check your humility. And of course. It is driven by my brutal inner critic. Who always has a choice word to say. But. At it's heart. There is also a rational reason to be self aware and try not to be an asshole.

All in all. I seemed very broken. I ended the session saying that the shrink should just shoot me in the back of the head.

No said the shrink. I don't think that's a good idea. We won't be doing that.

That tracks.

Leaving the session the sudden massive weight of exhaustion hit me. The shrink had engaged me. And I had overburned to engage properly. Talk. Think. More bright as the conversation went on. 

But I was paying for it. I should have known. I wasn't watching. I was engaging.

But it hit me at the end. Very quickly. We were shit. You were told we were shit. You have brightened up. You don't have the energy to cover that overspend.

I walked out the building and paused at the corner. For the first time ever I flickered about whether I could actually keep walking. I felt like melting into the ground. Stop. Sit. Lie down. But somewhere I knew, if I stopped now. I wouldn't move again.

So. After a pause. I groaned. And kept going. Slow. So slowly.

Got to the car. Sat in it. Pause. Drift. Time elapse. Wake up Johnny. Time to go home.

Got home and flopped. Ate a little. Didn't quite pass out into oblivion. Rallied a little in the evening and propped myself up to play games. And then crashed.

Uh huh.

Today. Has been brutal. If yesterday was hard. Today was worse. But I was up. And did some work. Before crashing out in the afternoon. Crashed hard.

A message pinged me. And I got dragged back out of the crash.

In that moment a thought crossed my mind.

This. Maybe. Is the way I go. That transition from ugly, foggy, awful, treacle sleep, to terrible horrendous waking. That key transition moment. Where for 5 seconds it absolutely feels like I am dying hard. Is going to be where I actually die. Because I can feel the strain on my system when its trying to wake up. I can feel the huge lurch. Sometimes its like someone has kicked me and grabbed my heart at the same time and squeezed. It hurts, aches and is ghastly all at once. In my core. It's somewhat like an anxiety squeeze. When you have that intense sadness of anxiety squeeze somewhere in your chest or stomach. It's an extreme physiological response. I guess it's my shitty system trying to kickstart me awake. And it's super fucky. And trying very hard. And it's not good.

I slowly sat upright. Answered my work message. Noodled with some more work. Exhausted. Stayed up. Stupid. Played some games - overbright - but so so difficult. At one point I simply put my head in my hands. Just. Trying. To not feel super shit. Diabolical. Struggled with crashing out. Overburned.

And now here I am. Way overburned. Crashing out again. 

It is very clear to me I have got worse. No mistake. Absolutely. Even with my new careful plans. Over the last few months. Worse.

Come on fucker. Just. Up and die already.

How impossibly low can this get ?

Sigh.

Work tomorrow.

I might. Rest instead. See how I do.

I just want to sleep. And dream. And drift off. And never come back. I have lots of ideas. And plans. And things. I can't execute. I like just living in my dreams when they are under control and nice. I Am ok with just drifting off.

Plus. The world. Seems about to go down the plughole anyway.

It's like. A good moment.

In other news.

The gaming friend who died before Christmas. No funeral. But. Now. After some time. A memorial is being held in Feb. I will do my best to attend. All I want to do is sleep. But. Important. I will try. We shall see. 

Also also. My brother is still exhibiting major distress. His usual patterns are gone. No gaming. No anything. It's one of those major red flags in people. Something to watch for - watch when someones routine abruptly changes and stays changed. Particularly if its things they used to like doing. There can be many reasons. A big one is. Major distress. Mental issues. Depending on the person. It can signal imminent crash. Wipe out. Suicide. None of those are true for my brother. I don't think. The crash bit. Almost certainly not. Probably not. Maybe not. 

In any case. This isn't resolved. It is still up in the air.

Not good.

I should talk to him.  But. I suspect he would very likely push me away anyway. Not in a mean way. 

In any case. I have barely any energy to do shit. So. The decision kind of gets taken away from me into sleep instead. 

Life. In the end. We come. We go. No big deal. Not as serious as you think it is. Just one of countless many.

Cheery.