Jan 23 2PM

In recovery position. Over the space of the last couple of hours - Nausea uptick again. Number of minor failing knock ons. Hands and feet lose blood, freezing. Brain fog kicks in. Sore throat kicks in for a while, goes away. Headache kicks in for a while goes away. Eyes get punchy. Dozing in and out of crazy off thought trains.

Number of minor panic ripples. No triggers. But sudden panic surge. Lasts a few seconds. Subsides. Calm. Nothing. Repeat. Calm observation of spiking emergency response triggers. 

General "illness" uptick. I now feel "flu like".

Left side face fizz. The "tickles". The ants start marching from left eyebrow down the side of my face. Strong compulsion to rub that side of your face. Rubbing makes it shift for a while, not go away, but feel relieved. I know what this one is. This is the remaining nerve damage / scarring from The Event. Probably leftovers from from probable shingles.

Trying to sleep through it. Keeping a close scientific watch on all of it. Micro observing every twitch. When a bit more capable, it is fascinating watching the slow decline down and you can feel each shitty bump knocking into the next. The autonomic frame starts making huge amounts of sense. I can see this. Step by step. It's. Fucking up in real time. Each response is not right.

2PM the tide has turned. Maybe. Less nausea. Less instability. I stir from my recovery position. Recall my observations to write down.

I've not actually run my nerve things past GPT, decide to do so. It reckons in 2021 I hit a perfect storm of : post viral syndrome ( likely covid ), viral reactivation, autonomic collapse, neurological injury flooding into the waters of CFS. And furthermore, the fizzing nerves, then tinnitus, then facial injury, then numb spots on torso and the cold sores that erupted at that time point to all the herpes viruses reactivating, shingles, leading to nerve damage, and, some of that healing very imperfectly. Likely scarring. Permanent damage. Which is why left leaning sleep for me makes things a lot worse - things can start to "fizz". But. Interesting point. When I feel ill, or my autonomic systems are out of whack, the reason my face tingles is because this is the point of old injuries and they are first to pop up on the alarm board. Literally like a smashed but healed knee aching in the cold.

Uh huh. I figured all this was the case. I had worked that out myself. GPT agrees.

It also cleanly lays the foundations of where I am today. And why things are continually fucky. As Dr GPT put it - a storm came in, passed, and now you're dealing with the weathered coastline, not the hurricane.

At a meta level it smells right. This is absolutely in line with any number of other peoples experiences with fucky virals, particularly the consequences of covid infections where people can lose sight temporarily, lose smell, taste, and pick up any number of a laundry list of issues on an either very slowly recovering basis, or, ends up in a recovery state anywhere from zero, to half capable.

It's basically viral damage. And it's not always fully recoverable from. Things get fucked up. Stay fucked up. Scar tissue.

I feel like my wobbly state might curtail early today. I hope. My shitty period between 11AM and 2pm ish is the worst of it. And to be frank relatively speaking, today has been easy. Lets not undercook it. easy looks like me in fucking bed, in recovery position, unable to do shit and feeling ill. Sorry state of affairs that that bullshit gets ranked for me as, eh, not too bad considering. My normal is drastically different to what true normal is.

As the nausea fucks off. Hunger comes up to replace it.

Next gamble. Eat. What to eat. Does it just shift the trajectory downwards again.

I am going to eat.

This is part of the problem.

Eating starts to feel like playing russian roulette. Spin the chamber. Pull the trigger. I am beginning to understand that some days my system is really fucking iffy with eating. Some days, it's more benign. Also for funsies, you can't often tell which one of those days it is. Huzzah.

Eh well.

My hope is. Eat something. Don't crash. Noodle with code.

I would not be surprised if its actually. Eat something. Crash. Feel like shit. Suddenly its early evening.

Sigh.

Stupid fucking shitty idiotic arsefaced imperfect biological bullshit.

Where. Is my machine body. 

Also. Apologies to my stupid fucking shitty idiotic imperfect biological bullshit. I know you are doing your best. I am doing my best. Be kind.