Aug 9

 Slow improvement all round. Twitches down. Tinnitus down. Pains down. Weirdness down. Exhaustion... still an issue... but... not quite as bad. But it's variable. And takes very little to wind itself up into a mess. But for the moment. The trajectory is slowly and subtly better.

In the bigger picture this is how it is. Down. Up. Down. Up. And each time, a little less up. Ever decreasing circles. Still. I will take improving days over declining days. But it's not cause for a celebration. Or good news. Oh it's great you're feeling a bit better ! Yeah. No. It's like congratulating someone for having a dead in 3 months notice changed to dead in 6 months. Great news ! No.

In any case. I am not communicating health to anyone. Either. I am ok. Or. If I am being honest. I am shit. Perhaps a "I slept 18 hours". And that's it. I am not getting into it. I am not sure anyone truly gives a shit anyway. Which. I know. People do give a shit. But. I think. People are always at pains to pose it in a better light. I get it. My mom had the same. Persistent fucking optimism. As she slid further down. It is, after a while, dishonest. It has the best of intentions. It ends up being. Tiring. Isolating. A source of hopelessness in itself. It means you can't talk to anyone. Because you get some fucking positive frame back. Not that I am saying I get that in spades. People do understand. My mom got a lot of it. In any case. I don't know. Difficult to express. It is difficult to live with. Difficult to communicate with. Difficult to find normalcy in. And in the end. I think you give up. And just stop. Because the constant translation is itself an energy drain. I think that's it really in the end. The energy you have. The demands put upon it. At some point. You are forced to just switch off the unnecessary things. The things that have you going round and round and round, the same explanations, the same, no you see its X not Y. Tried that. Tried this. No doing that isn't going to do shit. I know you think it will. In the end. It's just. Stop. Go away. Leave me alone.

It becomes as big a psychological thing as anything.

The two are not isolated. The two dance around each other in symbiosis.

Anyway.

End of this week Hazel put out an emergency flag. The dog she was babysitting fucked up its teeth. Old dog. It's one of those things that can be ok, and also terminal in the blink of an eye. Old dogs are frail. And shockingly prone to just suddenly going. Ares and Athena both went very quick. Although Ares you could see coming a long ways off. Still. That final bit. Was shockingly. Brutally. Quick. Reality warping. Surreal. Awful.

So I made my way to Hazels. She was in luck. I was upright. And listening. But it turned out to be a false call out. The emergency vet wouldn't see the mutt for dental work. Unless. It went critical. But. It was good I went anyway. Hazel was rattled. She needed a subtle soothing herself more than the mutt. Just. Come down a notch. It's ok. The dog is stable. He is ok. Look he's falling asleep. Right now, right here, he's ok. Stable. Yes but..  yes but... Look. We've both seen worse. Yes. And he's stable and ok, yes ? Yes. Ok. Then for tonight. We are ok. Tomorrow. The day after. We don't know. But tonight, just rest. And if you need me I am about.

Hazel chatted to me about this and that for an hour or so. I listened. She calmed. Which is all its about really. Anxiety. Stress. Having someone there just to talk to about nothing. It helps. The brain refocuses. Gets a bit distracted by chatter. It works. It is I think fundamental to us as humans. We need that social grease. We are not meant to be on our own. Or deal with shit on our own. Can we do that ? Sure. Is that the best way to do that ? Abso-fucking-lutely not. We often in our heady contemporary era often confuse coping with thriving. Of making do with doing a better job. Like it's some mark of strength or bullshit to take the harder, shittier, less efficient, less better outcome path. Hair shirts. Alive and well in the "enlightened" 21st century. Enlightened my ass. Same shit. Same patterns. New rationalising bullshit and blindspots.

I left Hazel to it. I hadn't eaten all day. Not great.

I went home, and on the way home fell into a huge sadness again. Emotional.

It crossed my mind. That this. Might. Be *the cost*. To what I just did. Calm. And reassuring. Clear. Measured thinking. Supportive. And then after that. Crash.

I've never really plotted it like that before. I don't think I used to be like that before. These days I am all kinds of fucked up. Physically. Psychologically. I can pull shit together. Sometimes. For a while. But at what cost.

Hazel had been fretting about what the dogs owners would do. They were finally back in the country. But. A certain... incapability... of action. Would I be ok in ferrying the dog back home if required.

Sure. No problem. Just let me know.

So the day after. We did that. Picked hazel and the mutt up. And we sent the pupper back home. Hazel noted a few times in passing that she wouldn't cry. I will go home and cry etc. Said matter of fact. Half joking. 

But also very much not. Very very much not. Signalling to me. I am not ok.

I know.

I would not expect you to be. But I didn't say that.

We dropped the mutt off without hitch. I did my usual slow and gentle doggo on board driving. Mindful of the dog. Mindful of Hazel. Calm. Soothing.

I am not an idiot. At least. Not an idiot in this kind of thing. Usually. Maybe. Heh. No. I am pretty good. I have at my tail a depth of psychological bullshit knowhow. But. That's just the explanations on top really. I get it.

I wasn't going to just let Hazel go home. And certainly not just let her catch the bus home.

Brutal.

I can take the bus home.

No. Don't be silly. I will take you home.

I considered which way to go in the car. What to do. There was an obvious choice.

Shall we go to Zaks ?

Delight from Hazel.

Uh huh.

I've even brought my purse she said ! And not even, oh I brought it, oh I forgot it, I can't pay anyway.

Uh huh. Very good. You're not paying anyway I said.

Ok.

So we went to Zaks. One of Hazels favourite places. I bought her dinner. We talked about nothing. Mostly Hazel talking. I listened. She had all her favourite things. And her mind was far from the dog she had just dropped off. Or empty houses.

Took her home. Told her if she needed to talk I was - probably - around. But. I might be off planet. But. I am here.

And left her to it.

My friend said I had done a good deed.

I was useful I said. For 5 minutes.

More than 5 minutes he said.

Mmmm I said. Neither in agreement or disagreement. I don't really believe it. But I let it stand. Barely useful.

Hazel had thanked me deeply. On both days. She appreciated me being there. And how much it cost.

That's ok. You are welcome.

Tired and sad.

There is a problem in me.

I cannot see the worth others put in me.

I have a sense of it. In. Academic terms.

By the time it gets to me. It is gone. Twisted. Sure. That I am of no worth.

I get the paradox. I get the non compute.

This came up a while ago. Two friends. Talking with me. One. Surely you can see what was done to you was wrong. Not really. But if this was someone else, if I had done that, you would say something. Oh yes. I would chew you out. So you can see this is wrong to be done to you. No. What. That makes no sense.

Round and round it went.

My other friend stepped in.

No. He can't see it. He has a massive blind spot. He is genuine. He cannot see it. He knows its there. But cannot see it. It's very strange.

The word incredulous came up.

I said. It was conditioning. Think of it as conditioning. It has been. Wiped out in me. I cannot go there. The wiring has been cut. It doesn't land. Bounces off. Beaten into me.

In any case.

Still there.

Still strong.

Something to talk about in therapy I guess. Not that we haven't talked about this a lot already. But. It's another run around the same pole. Perhaps one of these circuits. It will start sticking a little.

Repetition.

You are worthy.

No, I'm not. 

But I know. I made a difference the last couple of days. To Hazel. To the dog. To the owners. I didn't ask for anything. Didn't expect anything. Waited quietly. But I think. The world was the tiniest, smallest, most insignificant bit better.

I still don't think I am worthy. But. I helped. A little.

Does not. Compute.