Bork Slowly Borking

 Right. Ok. Uh huh.  What the fuck. So today, went to bed at approximately 4am ( because sleep schedule is stubbornly fucky ). Ok. Woke up at midday. Garbage. Rolled over. Properly got up at 3pm. 11 hours ish of sleep. Felt ok for 10 minutes. Stayed up for an hour. My limbs turned to lead. Everything was in sleep mode. I gave up at 5pm and went back to bed. Got up again at 9pm. That's something like 15 hours of sleep. And this is not an untypical day, but the crushing weight on everything was a new worst. It's now a little after 9pm and I feel... kinda human again. For the moment. ? ? ? ? Work tomorrow. Ha ha. Jesus christ.

 I've gotta say, shit's really weird lately. There are points where I am super fucking struggling. Hardcore, bad place, drowning. In a variety of forms. Either off the charts sadness. Absolute toe curling depression. Or lethargy so strong I can barely get up and walk to the kitchen. No joke. If you step back and put it altogether from orbit, it looks like a hardcore depressive episode. But here's the rub. It changes every day. And it doesnt tend to stick for a whole 24 hours. It fucks me up good for, ooh, anything from 6 to 18 hours. But never 24 hours in a day. And it bounces on a 24 hour cycle. All in all, it's pretty weird. And kinda new territory. Not sure what's up with it. I *think* the hole in my ass is pulling my energy wayyyyyyyyyyyyy down. Way down. I think I need to get moving on getting it sorted sooner than later. But. I need to really get the enthusiasm up to stick my head in the fuckyou blender that is the NHS to try and get the treatment I need. Tha...

 Eh meh eh, weird state of mood and mind. After my sad period with thoughts of Ares, I noodled around, not terrible, not great. Started to wind down for the day in the early hours of the morning. And was hit sideways by even worse grief. And this one I couldn't pull out of the nosedive. My feed is half full of boxers or dogs. Running around. Being goofs. It's nice. It's funny. It has an enormous underlying payload of melancholy for me. And of course, as is the way, here and there you get that awful sad story of when they go. And it's shit. And yeah. Here was a story of a new boxer. Replacing an old one. Same setup as Athena and Ares. Same problem as Ares. But gone when they were seven. Sudden. Blow out. Dead in hours. And it wasn't that it reminded me of Ares so much. It wasn't so much the loss of Ares. But. Just that connection to how much pain there can be in the world. Like holding on tight to a mains live wire unable to let go whilst it fries you. And she wr...

 Yesterday, in the scale of things, was a good day.  Noodled about. Kept to myself. Made a very low effort roast dinner. Played some games. Watched something good on Netflix. Didn't feel awfully ill. Didn't feel awfully low. And the day rolled by stress free. Which is as good as it gets for me. Just a little under 2 years ago, I made a post on reddit, a last shot, asking the actual experts and the armchair experts, what was wrong with me, could they help. A bunch of good suggestions, empathy, sympathy, but ultimately, no breakthrough answers. The other day I got a message from reddit. After 2 years of silence. Someone checked up on me. How was I doing. A random internet stranger. Just asking. How was I doing. We had a short chat. Back and forth. Sympathy. Empathy. They said I was a tough person. Ha. I don't think so. But it was nice. There are random good people out there. The world can be shit. People can be awful. And flawed. But. Somewhere in there is also good. And cari...

 Christmas. I didn't sleep through it all. Just  half of it. In the news today, more rumbles basically slating the NHS for doing a piss poor job. Another analysis piece that has linked a massive ramp in people getting sick over the pandemic and proceeding years, and then, either scaling back their work, or dropping out of work entirely. This is the third full on piece I have seen riffing on the economic data analysis that dropped a month or so ago. People not working nakes the rich people very unhappy. Because. Workers generate the money for the rich. No work. No money for the rich. Less workers and all that. Lower GDP. Lower taxes. Lower profits. That shit won't stand. To fix the "slacking" of the proletariat, government advisors are now suggesting that they need to up health care checks, fix those sick and get them back to work. Or at its darkest. Just get the sick back to work, healthy or not. The elephant in the room - sometimes pointed out explicitly, sometimes l...

 My sleep is absolutely fucked beyond all measure. Today was worst of all. Didn't go to sleep until 9am. Up at 2.30pm. Stumble around. Back to sleep by 5pm. Drag myself awake at 9pm. I am basically doing nothing in a day. Managed to get Athena out for a walk. Pick up some further grocery supplies. Done. And that's a struggle. Bleh. I need to get my sleeping back on track, it's really not doing me any good. Super tired. Super lethargic. Meanwhile hole in ass doing me no favours. Yeesh. After a short chat with Andy on Wednesday, after working til gone 4am on the same day, I have packed up for work for Christmas. I think he was genuinely worried I was blowing a fuse. I said I was ok, but super pissed off. And here's why, yada blah. So. At least that's that taken off the stress table for a while. On the other hand my sleep schedule has now gone full fucked and I'm in a weird place with my mentals. When I'm fully awake, I am fine. When I am not, I am not fine. En...

 Pop goes the hole. 9 days between pops. Open for what, 3 days ? Closed for 5 ? Something like that.  I will keep tracking it. Back at work today faced with a stack of bullshit. Half way through the day, more bullshit. Forward one step, backwards two. Ok. In short order all the good work that's been done this year in re-ordering work, not relying on me to just bail shit out has been undone. Instantly we are back to just pile it all on. The super annoying thing is that Andy has this passive aggressive pressure bullshit thing where something has to be done, must be done, is it done, let's get it done, it's bad it's not done. And then. Suddenly. A new priority comes in. And it all goes quiet on the thing that Just Had To Be Done, revealing that, yeah, it could have waited, it was just in fact Andys anxiety spreading like a fever. His anxiety is god awful and increases massively if he's just spoken to a given client. Meh. This is absolutely 100% not where I want to be. ...