Bork Slowly Borking

 Small improvements. Not an entire write off, but still, alarmingly low down the spiral. I've had a succession of days where my sleep is plagued by the most awful dreams. Deeply sad. I inevitably end up crying in them. Bah ha. Don't need a shrink to tell you what's going on there. You seem sad. Uh huh. I have retreated into my core. Less inclined to talk. To chat. To air a thought. Just. Silence. What. Is the point. This blog suffers the same fate. And this, to all intents and purposes, is mirror to my inner dialogue. Quiet. What's the point. Hmm. I had a moment of clarity a couple of days ago. The theory of everything. Everywhere. All at once. At least in terms of being human. A condensed simplified framework of why you are why you are, and who you are, and what life does to you. No great shakes, just, standing on the shoulders of giants. A dose of buddhism. A pinch of theology in general. Science. Evolution. Psych. And you arrive at the confused fearful ape that is us...

 The last few days have kicked my ass. Are continuing to kick my ass. CFS. Depression. A delightful mix. Call it what you like. But I am totally wasted. I cannot stay awake for long before the pull of going back to bed begins to really tug at me, and not long after that, I don't have much choice. I have zero energy. I can do ass all. And if I am up. And attempt something. It feels like I am buried in sand. So extremely heavy. Everything is a huge effort. And I'm flat. No joy. No nothing. No interest. Just. Switched off. Wth a horrible sense of just wanting to tap out. Disappear. Drop dead. I'm fairly sure it is both CFS and Depression coming together to kick my ass. There are familiar feels to it that remind me of both. I have wrestled my sleep around to be the Right Way Up. Pretty much asleep during the early hours of the morning, and awake.. eh heh... "awake" during the day. But it's disastrous compared to my flipped cycle. The days are awful. And I lapse in...

 A quiet melancholy wraps me up. Calm. Peaceful. Sad. Resigned. Patient. It's a better state than crazed, sad, suffering et al. But it's not great in someones normal scale of things. But I almost never do normal. I reflected today that I think the damage at this point has gone past the point of recovery. Less of a problem to overcome and heal from, and more of an etched pattern of damage you must live with. I have a suspicion this is only the beginning of a longer deeper descent. Lost the fight, dragged backwards. Assuming my ever patchy health doesn't suddenly take me out. But you never know. This year I could turn it around, heal up, see the light and bound off into the glowing sunset full of purpose and energy. I'm not entirely being facetious with that. It's possible. Unlikely. But possible. I think the dudes are right with the CFS. I am permanently fucked at this point. I am wrestling my sleep into something adjacent to normal. It's not going quietly. But. ...

 Yesterday was a surreal blur. I stayed up way around the clock, half because I was trying to break the sleep schedule, and half because Hazel wanted to go for a walk. By the time I was going for a walk, it was an equivalent of midnight to me if you had got up at 8am. After days of fucky sleep I was tired. Buzzy. Surreal. I tried analysing it at one point on my drive over to Hazel. The winter sun was casting a lovely golden glow to everything, cold, clear, golden. I could see it from one point of view. And from another it was like being in a separate room to it. Not there. Mild disassociation. Third party viewing. I could also tell that it reminded me of vague things from my childhood. Other days that looked like that. And that there were feelings attached. But I couldn't actually feel any of it. It was like reading a report on a page. And the words were smudged. It was surreal. Not that it was an unusual thing for me. Not worrying. Not unknown. Just. An altered state of mind, and ...

Another day, another stupid amount of sleeping and loss of daylight. Stuck in perpetual purgatory. My brain is playing hardball. Either it refuses to shut off and let me sleep, or it crashes out and absolutely demands sleep right now, both of which mean I am hard pressed to change sleeping pattern. Yeesh. I had a long blurb here about people. I cut it. I second guess myself somewhat with the stuff in my head and what I say, and sometimes it reduces down to zero. Shut up. Suffice to say. One of my secrets is a paradox at my heart. I don't want to see people or engage with people. vs I need people and love pottering around them or when I am in the mood, peering into their heads. I think. On the whole. I lean towards the hermit. Given an otherwise neutral environment, my tendency would reinforce and I would withdraw from everyone and just go live a solitary life in a tower in a forest. No people. However. As it turns out, I think I need people. Like. Absolutely cannot do without peopl...

 Sleep schedule is fucked. As per usual. How fucked ? So yesterday I stayed up until just after midday. First thing in the morning me and Athena had a nice walk around Mousehold. I dropped her off, picked up her meds and did a small amount of groceries. Came back, fed Athena, fed me, chilled and went to sleep for a nap.... And woke up 12 hours later. 00.45 AM. Sigh. Ok. Whatever. Despite the fuckery, yesterday was an alright day. I was going to head out to the vets pick up the meds and do some groceries. But Athena was happy and bouncy and wanted to come with me. So. Change of plans. I took her for a walk first. We don't typically do bright and early morning walks. Pretty rare in our 13 years of travels together. So we're not part of the morning scene. Yesterday I decided we'd go to mousehold. Oh boy. So many dog walkers. So many people. The place was packed. I got the last spot in the car park. It didn't help that as I turned up, a larping group were assembling. At lea...

 Today has been a disaster. I thought my body clock had finally just about been wrestled into place. But no. Went for a "nap" at 9am ish. Woke up briefly at 6pm. Woke up properly at nearly 1am.  So Friday disappeared. Entirely. Uh huh. Filled in my taxes today. Somewhat late, but eh. Had to trawl through my accounts. Noticed that the missing payment Andy had agreed to pay, had itself... been missed. Amazing. The dude continues to be zero trustworthy with money. Slippery as an eel and guaranteed to at some point or other fuck you over for money. Not if. But when. Guaranteed. Same behaviour for 10 years and more. Not a one off blip or mistake, a pattern of behaviour. Funny that it's never in my favour. Always the other way around. As has been going on for years. Every slip, every non payment, every compromise of non full payment funds the business to piss money up the wall. I feel like every Xmas dinner since ever has probably been funded on the money that I've been don...