Bork Slowly Borking

 Working stupid hours I struggled to get down to see my family at the weekend. I had intended to go on Friday after I "did a bit of work". Which turned into an all nighter of me finishing at 4am Saturday . On Satruday I felt so goddamn awful that my initial instinct was just to call it off and go another time. But I rolled over, went back to sleep and when I woke up again, this time more like midday, I felt awful, but awful enough that I could probably grit my teeth and go. I ended up getting down there at 4pm. Tired. Exhausted. Took Athena with me. I stayed a single day - basically I wanted to do a fly by visit, drop off my Sisters gifts, then get back for more work. Athena struggled on Saturday. I came to the conclusion that she's too old for such long journeys now. It really took it out of her and she creaked around in the later afternoon and early evening looking very old. The return journey she seemed to do better and was more lively when we got back. I think because...

 Exhausted. Sprinting for an end point that always moves ahead of you. I worked til 4am today. I think I started late at something like 10.30am. But then worked all the way round the clock with slow periods and breaks littered throughout. Still. A chonky hard day. I can't really be doing days like that anymore. Or though, demonstrably, I still kinda can. Apparently. But it's super not good for me. Eh well. Progress made. Stuff done. I was trying to clear decks a bit to be able to go visit my family. I intended to go yesterday. But work was too busy. And I ended up just ploughing on through as I watched the time slip away. I debated working on through today, giving up on going and seeing the family. Waking up this morning I felt like the living dead. I can't go anywhere like this. I need to rest. I need to cancel the visit. Rest. Then noodle with work in the evening. I turned over, slept some more, and very slowly shifted from the undead, to the half undead and decided I sho...

 Work. Chest pains. Spending chunks of day with some kind of chest pain or another. Some of it, I think, is Uncool Things going on digestion wise. But who knows. Some of it is also definitely stress. And the rest of it ? Yeah. Bad cardio probably. Still. Look on the positive side. It might just be mostly stress and the Mysterious Shitty Thing I Have When Eating Now. I wouldn't bet on it though. Ah well. Spoke properly to Andy today for the first time in a while. There's a plan for going forwards. Finish the project. Then time off. Cut time back. Another pay rise. And a change in work. Maybe. It has to be said Andy has done a good job finally organising a better plan for going forwards, not a little of that because we're gunning for an ISO standard which is forcing us to look at our shitty practices and processes. But still. He seems to be doing a good job actually putting things right at the moment. And finally shoring things up in a sustainable working model. No guarantee...

 I am continuing to work on all days. Weekends. Whatever. Just to pile through it all. I'm currently doing at least a half day every day if not more. Tinkering around in places. Pushing through in others. Just to get it done. But it resists my efforts, one more thing after another. Eh meh. I've also inadvertently... advertently... started isolating hardcore. I feel very disinclined to talk or see anyone. Including Hazel. I just. Don't. For the most part I am surprisingly ok with it. Just. Content to go completely hermit mode. I can't imagine it's good for me, but eh. I went for a walk the other day which was better than I have done recently. Wasn't great. Chest tightened up, neck started clamping, but, nowhere near as bad as before. It was ok. I managed to half enjoy the walk. Had a lie down halfway round in the sun. Athena is in pretty good form considering she's due another shot very soon. She is slower, subtly, ever more every month. But still doing alrig...

 Work, work, work. With no end in sight. To say I am sick of it is an understatement. And also employee problems. Whilst our currently highest experienced dev is competent and can be trusted to get on with shit, in the flaws column he has a nasty habit of sulking and being a prima donna. Its flared up badly in the past - when it was suggested he do something other than the single thing that Andy had babied him onto for a year. He basically threw a fit. And didn't want to do anything else in any other way. He apologised after that. Fair enough. Move on. But that character trait still resides within him. It's not pretty. It makes my work life even more problematic at times. It just adds to the ongoing clusterfuck that is work. This week he had a pout when having got himself into a sticky corner because of bad tech decisions he wanted to write everything locally, completely buggering any idea of shared code base and return on investment. No dude. You made a bad decision. Fix it. H...

 Up at 6am today to get to the first in the morning MRI appointment. Iffy. I am unwell at the best of times. Forcing me to hit early morning or weird times is a bit of a coin flip. I may end up writing myself off. As it was I did my best. Was very sensible. Made sure I was in bed by 8pm winding down. Sleeping somewhere around 10pm. And I did ok. For the first time in a while I went to sleep without chest pains or waking up with a feeling of someone sitting on my chest. Then again. I've stopped taking my mental meds for the last few days, which, as a side effect, increase the burden on your cardio and up your blood pressure. Vasco constrictors. Got to the appointment in good time. No rush. No fuss. Felt not too bad, getting up was meh, but, fine. Had the scan no problem. Weirdly. 20 minutes in the MRI destroyed my back. I could hardly get up from the bed. Lower back was killing me. I groaned home, and by the time I got back I was crashing hard. Super hard. I slept. For for hours and...

 Hospital visit went ok. Camera up ass. Nothing found too awful. Looks good. So. Onwards to other stuff. MRI appointment came up fast too, that's on Monday. But it's beginning to look like a bit of a mystery again. For all my moaning about the NHS, they've done a very good job this time around. Fast. And all round lovely. When the NHS works, it's tickety boo. When it doesn't. It's awful. I think this underscores the very lottery like nature of your experience, if you get people who are competent, or a bit of the system that's working, it's good. But there are wastelands of bits where it's shit. As I've said before, it can make it difficult to know what to make of it. My last surgery at the hospital was equally tip top. And the people were lovely. Not so the GPs. Anywho. As it turned out on the day they did not need to knock me out or otherwise. I wasn't climbing the walls. I figured I wouldn't be. So Hazel accompanying me was a waste of t...