Jun 1

 Work. Chest pains. Spending chunks of day with some kind of chest pain or another.

Some of it, I think, is Uncool Things going on digestion wise. But who knows. Some of it is also definitely stress. And the rest of it ? Yeah. Bad cardio probably. Still. Look on the positive side. It might just be mostly stress and the Mysterious Shitty Thing I Have When Eating Now. I wouldn't bet on it though.

Ah well.

Spoke properly to Andy today for the first time in a while. There's a plan for going forwards. Finish the project. Then time off. Cut time back. Another pay rise. And a change in work. Maybe. It has to be said Andy has done a good job finally organising a better plan for going forwards, not a little of that because we're gunning for an ISO standard which is forcing us to look at our shitty practices and processes.

But still. He seems to be doing a good job actually putting things right at the moment. And finally shoring things up in a sustainable working model.

No guarantee it works. There never is. One of the joys of running your own business.

He has spent the last few quiet weeks clearly in contemplation and also realising that once again the writing maybe on the wall. And has planned to basically make things better for me and the business as a whole. And appreciates my input.

All good really. Excellent. Of course we shouldn't have got to where we are. But. I can't fault his new approach. It's what you want. And not just for me. That's the funny thing. It's what you want if you just want your business to survive. I am not being a prima donna. I'm trying to stop ships sinking.

So that's a positive. Work is turning a corner.

I just need to finish what I'm doing. And then. Sunnier lands. Greener fields.

In Andys own words he didn't want me taking a break and then just stewing on the debacle over that period and coming out the other end with the conclusion that I was done with it all. No good thing on the horizon.

Which is true.

People can surprise you. He's done good. So I told him so.

In other news. Going to go down and visit my family this weekend I think. It is my sisters 60th. And I have gathered a box of things for her. A collection of teas. A cake recipe book - she likes making cakes. A small book of yoga. A few other bits and pieces. Last year she was asking about decaf tea. Whether it was any good. She didn't handle normal tea anymore. I belatedly realised she probably hadn't had many - or possibly any - herbal teas or different teas. Not her background. So. Hence the tea. A big spread of different ones for her to try.

I think it's nice.

It's all properly wrapped and scrunched up with tissue paper and a pretty bag. Because. Yeah. These days I value gifts being done nicely if that's what you're doing ( at least when being given to someone else, receiving, I am not fussed.. ha.. double standards ). I'm also very into spur of the moment unwrapped whatever gifts. But there's also something irrationally nice just about having a fancy bag, a fancy box, an all over experience of unwrapping a gift. It lifts it from the mundane to the special I think. It's all nonsense of course. But. I think it makes life just a tinier bit more sparkly. And sparkle. Is in very short supply. Get it where you can.

Reflections on humanity.

The thing I have realised about us. Is that we are much more tightly affiliated with hostility than we are understanding. It is easy for us to react with hate, aggression, hostility than for us to react with understanding and acceptance.

For instance. The one thing that unites both left wing and right wing people. Democrats and Republicans. Woke and anti woke. Is their eagerness to shit on the other. Even those that profess to be open minded and accepting see no issue in mocking, brutality and even outright calls for violence and murder. There is, in their eyes, no hypocrisy there. Just a struggle for their way. Their values. And a purging of the other.

I've really started noticing this lately in the delight educated people take on shitting on the uneducated. And I get it. Man if I haven't done that same thing in the past myself. But step back. When those people in the street are going up to maga types and asking them questions which clearly show how stupid they are. They are mocking them. Perhaps not unfairly. Perhaps they deserve it. But there's also an intellectual superiority going on there. Look at the stupid person ! Let us taunt and laugh at the stupid person. Even better, they don't realise they are being made fun of ! Stupid ! When you take a moment and pause, you realise, eh, that's not great. That's shitty. Also. You're never going to win someone over by patronising them and mockery.

The other thing about this is, if this were someone who had been objectively labelled as having "learning difficulties" there is an agreed social model in place that you absolutely do not mock those people.

But outside of that. Mocking stupid people. Or less educated. Provincial. Et al. Is fine. Fill your boots. Pile on the hate. ( Also is it a wonder that these people then quickly move to a place where the distrust experts, clever people, or just those presenting them with different ideas. Because they know, those kind of people just spit on them )

But anyway. The capability of people of any kind of ideological or cultural position to behave in aggressive, violent or negative ways is demonstrable.

The nuances of this being the whole problem in the first place. The knee jerk desire to exterminate that which doesn't fit in is lost on them.

People find it easier to join a tribe. Than actually understanding the underlying thinking.

Don't ask about the meaning. Just join team red or team blue. Here are your well practiced sound bites. Here are your readied counter points. No need to think. Now go bring death to the unbelievers.

It's ironic that all angles of the discussion agree to wage war.

This is not a modern phenomenon. The demonisation of your enemy is as old as we are. It's also one we really seem to enjoy. There seems to be a cathartic release in being given permission to just outright hate on someone. To do violence to them without having to question your ethics. Even from peoples that have suffered terribly under such violence. Then, when given a chance. Do the same to others. Without a hint of irony. Or self awareness.

It is, basically, the mentality of the mob. I used to frame this by saying that people love nothing more than a good witch burning. What you define as a witch changes with the current vogue. The desire to burn them does not. Witches come and go, the burning does not.

Perhaps at a fundamental level this reveals we have an inherent violence built into us. Always there. Easily stoked. And satisfying to give into. Kill the unbeliever !

In times past it was often framed as a religious thing. And as such religion has got a very tarnished reputation for it. Religion. Bad. But I think it's more than that. It's not religion per se. It's a manifestion of who we are. Religion is then just a reflection of that. War. Tribalism. Your team vs My Team. Stomping on the rival football fans heads. Declaring peoples to be sub human. Genocide.

I think ultimately there is this naive belief that oh, all you need to do is clear up religion, maybe get rid of it, and all will be peace and light. Because it's religion that's bad.

Except. It will follow us. To the next thing. Because it isn't the thing itself. It's us. And everything we create is a reflection of us. And the violence we see in those things is a reflection of us.

Until we understand that the problem is not external, but internal, we will forever make those same mistakes and be locked in a never ending cycle of violence of them vs us. The righteous vs the unrighteous.

It's also something I don't think you can teach people very well.

People are not interested in learning. They are interested in placating that desire to burn witches. Learning gets in the way of that. Even worse. Learning says you shouldn't really be doing that in the first place. Blasphemy. Burn the denier of witch burning.

A hard ask.

Ironically. I think some of the core ideas of Jesus are espousing exactly this idea. Turn the other cheek. Let he who has no sin cast the first stone. It's different language. But it's right there I think. Don't be a dick. Stop. Look inside yourself. Realise you also carry that shit too. And therefore don't kick others for it.

The point is lost in time and twisted understanding I think.

And depressingly just turned into another chance of engaging in a them vs us witch burning. Are you a heathen. Or a true believer.

I think. Violence is indeed inherent in who we are. A hard thing to master and something that can probably never be defeated. Only fought against unendingly.

Or just give into it and rage and kill. One slaughter to the next interspersed with periods of rest.

Nietszche was right when he said we would have to come to terms with all parts of ourselves, both light and dark. And until we do, we would always be trapped as a lesser self.

For me personally of course there is frustration in people with less education, slower, closed minded to just reject things and continue on in potentially harmful ways. Sure. No arguments there about racism bad. Misogyny bad. All the other things we have identified as problematic.

But the way you go out about. Railing hate onto others. The violence inherent in purging the others. In the end. You get to the same point. A shitty way of behaving. At that point. It doesn't matter what colour you started. You've all ended covered in shit. The moral superiority, if there ever was one, has long been left behind trampled in the mud in people trying to strangle each other.