Bork Slowly Borking

 I have spent a reasonable amount of time just putting some memories of both Ares and Athena into a document. Somewhere on the interwebs. This blog. For as long as its around. Oddly I don't have many pictures of them in their prime. Very very few. Very few of anything. I didn't take any of them in those days. Why would I. I don't need pictures or videos. And they will be around forever. Right ? It was only towards their latter years did I start regularly taking pictures of them. Aware of the looming loss date. The pictures and recall have dragged up many memories for me. And also starting to sort through pictures of both of them. It is dramatic to see their decline. The last 12 - 24 months of life how they suddenly deterioriate. I watched some clips of Athena just from 2 years ago and the difference was stark. It is awful what time does. And how short it is. I can also see some of the same ravaging in me over that time period. Time has not been kind to me these last few yea...

 I thought I wrote something about Ares at the time of his passing. Perhaps I did not. Caught in grief. I can't find anything. Ares Frasiers Word aka Ares aka Mr Ares aka Little Man March 2010 - 13 August 2021 11 years 5 months Tiny Ares weeks old, 2010   Ares was a chilled big guy of a boxer. More than anything else he wanted a cuddle from you, to be close. And was always very happy, tail wagging, bum wiggling. He would follow me around like a shadow. Always there. Always wanting to be part of everything. He was gentle and loving despite his size and strength, and he loved his food. Ares was never any hassle with things dogs are usually a hassle with. Calm. Zen. With one exception. His relationship with unknown dogs was always a problem. Random. Sometimes fine. Sometimes not fine. He was trained to a sharp edge as a result. He was, as I always described him, the perfect apocalypse dog. Loyal and fearless to a fault. Protective. Easy going. And very strong. Ares was born somew...

I started writing this. And it just turned into one long crawl. So. The summary here of her spirit. And then. The crawl through all the things I can remember. Athena Decembers Shadow. Aka Athena Ballerina. Aka Beautiful Girl. Aka Stinker. Aka Lady Loo. Aka Baby girl. 31-December-2009 to 10th May 2024. 14 Years, 4 Months, 10 days. Athena was a soul without peer. Crazy energy even for a boxer. She was strong and fast and loved to explore and to play fight. Like all boxers a comedian. Silly and fun. Cheeky. Everything was always amazing to her. But it was her mind and personality that were very different. Endless fearless curiosity and confidence that would get her into trouble when she was younger. And very smart. Those things went hand in hand. The smarts. And the curiosity. Always an independent mind - when she was younger, incredibly independent that needed some curbing -  she had a plan, an idea, and she would lead, not follow, and loved to figure things out. She relied on being...

 Worse today on the whole I think. That slow miasma gets stronger. Today I had severe pain. A band of pain around my upper torso. Everything sore elsewhere. My eyes red and stinging. Two black eyes. It is that peculiar set of symptoms that occur after or during sleep. Something fucky goes on. The stinging eyes usually get better within 10 minutes of waking and moving about. The redness fades some shorttime after. The black eyes take hours to get slightly better. But they are now a permanent feature, often as not masked by my glasses. I take them off. You see the punches and the odd black ring outlines like water tide marks that circle my skull orbits. It makes any given day hard to deal with. My shitty health. Now slide that loss of Athena in behind it. My loss of everything. This is the problem. It is not one thing, but many. One of my concerns during these few years has always been suddenly dying whilst Athena and Ares were still here and there would be no one to save them from ...

 The days are unreal. It feels like I'm living in a different reality. A temporary one. And maybe soon I will get to go back to my one. Where my home is. Where Athena is. I can distract myself. I played a game today and streamed it. It distracts me. I wobble, occasionally. Reality intrudes. And I have to back it out. Focus. But. Today has been heavy. All the plates are thrown in the air. And as the hours pass they come back to earth. Each one crashing at my feet. Everything is still chaos. But as I started to feel earlier. That creeping miasma. So it has been today. Hardcore. The weight of everything has settled on me. Pushed me deep into misery. Quiet. Low energy. Defeated. Hopeless. It is a different kind of sadness and weight to yesterday. Or the day before that. It is slowly sinking in how much I have lost. I am aware of it intellectually. But something else is now catching on as well. The living with it. It's as much about Athena as it is about me. I am so very sad about A...

 Another day. More ambush tears. More sad. Sometimes I am ok. Sometimes I am very not ok. In the background some all encompassing looming existential horror sits. Like you're sitting at the end of the world. But haven't quite looked out the kitchen window yet to take in the mushroom clouds on the horizon. Focus on making a sandwich. But whatever you do. Don't look up at the nuclear afterglow out the window and the end of civilization. Just think. This is a nice bit of bread. Don't. Let. The. Existential. Dread. Get. In. As the comic goes. The Original More representative of me   I have, in brief bursts, started talking to a few people. Just. Letting them know. A few things. A little explanation here and there. I am. Tentative about it. I am very aware it can be like sticking your finger into a gaping wound and having a rummage around. Does This Hurt ? Yes. Yes It Does. Stop That. So in small doses. I relive the moment(s). Which. Isn't great. But people want to know ...