May 12.2

 The days are unreal. It feels like I'm living in a different reality. A temporary one. And maybe soon I will get to go back to my one. Where my home is. Where Athena is.

I can distract myself. I played a game today and streamed it. It distracts me. I wobble, occasionally. Reality intrudes. And I have to back it out. Focus.

But.

Today has been heavy.

All the plates are thrown in the air. And as the hours pass they come back to earth. Each one crashing at my feet. Everything is still chaos.

But as I started to feel earlier. That creeping miasma. So it has been today. Hardcore. The weight of everything has settled on me. Pushed me deep into misery. Quiet. Low energy. Defeated. Hopeless.

It is a different kind of sadness and weight to yesterday. Or the day before that.

It is slowly sinking in how much I have lost. I am aware of it intellectually. But something else is now catching on as well. The living with it.

It's as much about Athena as it is about me. I am so very sad about Athena. And I am sad for myself.

As the dust settles it gets heavier. Not lighter. More oppressive. The silence increases.

There are a hundred micro traumas everyday. Habits. Fundamentally who I am. Cut a bit of cheese. Expect Athena to want a piece. But she is not there. Drop a piece of food. And except her to snuffle after it. But she is not there. All those thoughts where I think, oh Athena would like this. And I stop myself. Because that bit of my life has gone. I am like a wheel spinning with no road.

So much of who I am is built around those things. About that symbiosis. And now it has no point.

What am I going to do without that ? Engineer a new personality ? Confidently stride forward with enthusiasm into some other life style.

Absolutely not. That's not me.

I am exhausted more than ever today. Brain zaps. Dizzy. Ill. I slept little. But I can't sleep. If I sleep the terrible memories crash in. And I am awake. Thinking of nothing but sadness.

Today also.

So heavy. So pointless.

That thought of oh, I wont end it all and commit suicide, it's not where I am.

Wow.

So quickly that turns.

Oh.

Yes.

I can see.

It is suddenly. Again. A rational release. The only viable plan that holds any kind of water. My mind often fixates on knives. There is pull to them. Once before I was very close with a knife. Hovering. Cutting. Close.

Hmm.

Not good.

But it is what it is.

Still treading water.

Once Hazel leaves to go back home. I think all the currently still spinning plates stop. I think at that point I collapse. We shall see. I suspect. I will become very quiet, to the point of silence. Do nothing. Go nowhere. And just fade from severe neglect. Of not looking after myself at all. A houseplant. Trapped in a dark cellar, with no water or air.

That's ok. Honestly. There is much release in there. No bad thing.

I would still. As of today. If you offered me a way out. Painless. Guaranteed. Right now. In the palm of my hand. I would cry. And I would take it. And sleep. And never wake.

I am nothing special. Just another stupid monkey. Running around fucking up this planet. It doesn't matter. None of it matters. We all die. No exceptions.

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