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 Wiped out today. Super bad day. Two double doses of anti anxieties to get me some sleep. All day in bed. Up early evening. Hazel made clear she is tired. Said I didn't listen. Was angry with my family. My dad. With me. With house chores. Angryvthatvi have got worse again. Said that I needed a plan. I broke down. Already v bad. I couldn't cope. I understand. It is unfair on her. I couldn't think. I kept looking at the knife on the table. I needed to not be here. I did not know what to do I said. Letters were hard to understand. Just getting up at 10am to givw ares 2 pills was excruciatingly hard. Misery. Everyday was a cycle of suffering with a small window of lucid in the evening. I did not want to live. This morning I thought my time had come. Everything I have is hers. Would that I could just die I would. To get out of everyone's way.

I don't know. I said through tears that I released her. Go. Its ok. My worst fear. But I said it anyway. I realised I can no longer take care of my lovely pups. I would need to talk to norfolk boxer rescue and give them up. And get someone to sell my house. And. And. Idk. Hazel asked if she didn't get a say about dogs. Yes. Yes. Whatever you say is law. But. Trying to take burden away from her. My problems.i had to make plans. She was angry. I only seem to make mistakes. I don't blame her. I only want the best for her.

Hospital ct scan appointment came through for next week. Scan in London on Friday. I dread I can cope with either. 

This will be my last post I think. I have little else to add. People are tired of me. I am tired of suffering. Idk.  These posts were distracting me. Now. Idk. I am done. If all else fails I will give up the dogs. A terrible terrible thing. But I can't look after myself let alone them poor babies. They deserve better than me. And then. Idk. Wait. For the inevitable. I never imagined my life would turn out this way.

This evening I can't even watch TV. Too lost. I just want oblivion.

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