March 10th - Late

 Not so good this evening. Shaky and weak, feel unwell. Head is dizzy, stuffy and a headache on the left. Always the left since the ramipril. Left side of face and back tingles. Pulsing dull pain somewhere around my heart. Hard to say what it is. Not good. The worst I've felt in an evening for quite a while.

I admitted to Hazel today that if i had an easy way out I would take it. If there was assisted suicide I would take it. She said it would just cause more grief it would not solve anything. I would stop being a burden. And suffering.

Who knows maybe the ship will right itself yet. My ulcer is getting v slowly better I think. I can lie on my left side now at times without setting it off. Sometimes not. Maybe left side of my head will improve and take the tingles with it. But the cold analyst in me thinks its wishful thinking. But I am also aware my thinking is shot to hell. My judgement is poor, my mentals are all over the show. I don't know. I would still take assisted suicide however. The days are pure misery.

If I can make it to the scan next week maybe they will find something. Whether its fixable is another matter. I need to check if dignitas is still operational. I need a passport if so. I think. 

Checked it out. Pricey,  not guaranteed and months to enact.

A reasonable death is very hard to achieve it seems. Madness.

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