March 10th

 Tried sleeping without sleeping tablet last night. It crossed my mind they were making morning anxiety worse. Sleep was more troubled, but, managed it. Woke up several times.

Around 5am, my body clock started. A tickle of anxiety. Stomach went off. Needed loo. Got up. Suddenly very thirsty. I decide to try something new. Take 2 paracetamol before I go back to bed. Sleep was very disturbed. Anxiety got worse. Heart goes. Left arm pins and needles, weak. Left side of face tingles. An odd feeling acros my back. I continually clench my left fist when I am aware to negate the tingles. Incredibly thirsty. I drink a pint of water, still thirsty. Hot flushes. Sweats. Anxiety builds, but not as bad as yesterday. If I think of anything it is an immediate huge worry. I dont think of anything. I just want to sleep. I just want to not be here.

I get up again at 9.30, another pint of water. Take one of my meds. Go back to bed. I doze fitfully full of anxiety.

10.30am I get up. Weak. Shaky. Anxious. I can barely function. Make breakfast and tea. I have tics and jerks when I sit. I feel a tiny bit more stable today. I feel lost and numb and ill. My eyes are too wide. Some days I struggle to not have my eyes super wide. Its very odd.

Not quite suicidal today. I guess that's up. It doesnt feel like up.

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