March 11th - Late

 Terrible day. Last night my stomach went off. The ulcer or whatever the hell it is set off making sleep impossible and my internals spasming. I put up with it during the night but knew come the morning when things are bad, I would have a double problem.

I spent all day in a fog of suicidal plans. Over and over for hours. In the end it was all I could see. The worst I have ever been. Physical symptoms making me sick, dizzy, a fog across my mind, reduced to single words, pains and my stomach felt like it had been punched repeatedly. My muscles spasming all night and morning. I spent a bare 45 minutes up today before finally "getting up" at 5.15pm. I stared at the TV for hours. My brain 30 seconds behind the quiz shows. My upper thoughts just not there. Half my mind missing. A new series of pains sweeps my right torso. New. Different. Sharp and painful. Ho hum. I ignore them and tell no one. What good would it do.

Depressed. Hopeless. Feelings of being broken, useless and a burden.

Slowly, oh so slowly I turn into me as the evening ticks around to 11pm. A very brief window where I come up for air. I don't know whats going on with me. My stomach is off again, but not quite as bad as yesterday. But as I sit up I feel the unwell creeps over me. The fog start to cloud my mind. Dizzy. I hope tomorrow is better. Lying down is definitely better.

Not for the first time someone - my brother this time - says my symptoms resemble long covid. Who knows.

Time for sleep if I can. 

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