March 15th - Late

The evening. I am lucid. And very nearly me again. My insides are fizzing, but my head is 95% clear. 

A very varied day today. I struggled to stay up today. I am trying hard. Andy was due to visit and take me to a spot to sit outside and have lunch, and for a dry run for picking me up on Friday. As midday approached I began to feel more and more ill. Dizzy. Unwell. My insides fizzing. I gave up and headed for bed. All I need to do I thought, is have a rest, a doze, feel better ready for Andy. Lying down a ring of tingles surrounded my left hand side, front to back with a pain through the middle, just under my left breast. My heart grumbled with aches. All in the same area. Left side of my face ants marched.

Too much. A jangle of nerve signals all fizzing. Lying down it would not let me doze. I simply lie there, counting each breath, feeling each twinge. I fell into the oh so familiar pit of suffering, my thoughts slide off, each moment horrible, oh god, not again. A slow rising feeling for someone to just end me.

I gulped down a couple of paracetamol - sometimes it takes the edge off.

I vaguely heard Hazel get up and go downstairs, and sometime later, I dont know could have be 10 minutes, could have been 40, she came up to see me. Asked me what was wrong today with a certain weariness. I worry the stress I put her under. She went away. Brought a cup of tea. Forced me to sit up. Forced me to take anti anxiety meds. I wasn't anxious I said. She insisted.

A warm calm enveloped me.

You're doing better she said. You've stopped twitching. You're no longer white knuckling.

I drank my tea and the pains slowly eased.

By the time Andy knocked on the door I was mellow and dreamy. I stumbled badly into a shelf on the way out and hurt myself. Too dreamy. By the time we were out and walked a little I had "sobered" up a bit. And felt ok. I had a salad Andy had home prepared. It was great. Hot chocolate with it - probably a mistake, but I had it anyway. It didnt disagree with me. Who knew. We spent lunch talking. Stress. Work. Money. Plans. People. Management. Boundaries. How much I remembered when out of it. Not a whole lot. I felt ok out. On the edge of not being right at all. But ok. 90% lucid.

Back in the warmth of the car, my blood returned and the fizzing and offness and weirdness of my body returned. A disharmony of signals all going off.

Back at home my thinking slowed. A sense of unwell subtly crept over me. Dizzy. I just went with it. Ignore it. My mind slowing down, shutting off. I struggled not to stare into space and keep up with Hazel talking to me. It's a challenge. It's like listening to someone with a strong accent. You have to concentrate to catch it. And sometimes you miss it and have to ask for it to be repeated.

Against my better judgement tried some plain chicken for dinner. And with it wholemeal toast and beans. We shall see if I pay for it later / tomorrow. Felt better after eating. I typically do after dinner. Suspicious. It does cross my mind whether my body screams for calories after 3 months on 1k a day and picks up when fed and shuts off when not.

Sam left some brownies outside my door in the evening. A passing amazing gift of food. I cannot say how much I appreciate people just turning up and helping or dropping things off. It makes me feel less alone. And amazed at how good people are. And guilty for being in such a place. I am sure I dont deserve it. But I am very glad it happens.