March 16th

 2 steps back. A v bad day today. Unwell during the night. Disharmony. 5am. Flushes. Flashes of anxiety radiating from my heart everytime I started to slip away. Thoughts were crazy. Single words. Blips. Cats and dogs went through my head over and over. Reality warped. I kept seeing myself elsewhere. Different places. Different worlds. But always fixing. I wasn't asleep. But. My mind was not there. Fractured. I could feel my heart beating away. I got up to drink. So thirsty. Stuck in monosyllabic again. Single words. I trod on a stone on the stairs. Something something something I repeated. Stuck in a loop of the last sensory input. Brain off. Repeating the next thing in the stack. Glass. Glass. Glass. Water. Water. Water. And then. Dont dont don't no no no no no. I curled up at the foot of hazels bed. She asked if I had taken my meds. The question floated through fog to me.earlier earlier earlier. I dozed on the floorboards. 

At some point I realised not to hasdle hazeland went back to my bed. And there I stayed, twitching and fretful, a pain deep upper left torso. Left arm fading in and out. I wished I was dead again. Overstayed my welcome.

I got up at 3pm. Two eyes in black pits. The deep bruises very apparent evidence that all is not well. Unwell. Dizzy. I ate reluctantly. I almost gave up.stop eating. Stop drinking. Just fade.

I watched Hazel tidy the front bedroom. Lying down. Unwell. This is all hers. I will leave everything to her. At some point it was like being a ghost. Watching someone else sort through your life when you have gone. The realisationthat my life was over swept over me. With each thing she touched I remembered stuttering its place in my past. And all things were now behind me. No future. Just a lingering presence not quite yet gone. It made me so sad. But I watched her. Her life her energy and realised I had little of it left.

Oh you say. Just caught in the depths of misery. But no. The dark pitsof my eyes, the pains the unwellness, the thoughts that slide away. Something is very wrong. Perhaps for the hundredth time I just need rest. But I know that rest does not fix this.


Perhaps its just a bad day. Perhaps tomorrow will be better.

The scan looms large. I do not look forward to it. If it finds things I suspect it will just increase my urge to end it. If it finds nothing I will be in despair. Back to square one. My desire to know has waned. I just want it to end.


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