March 18th

 Ok. Not the last post. Yesterday was. Grim. In every kind of way. But like crawling across broken glass I am still here. I honestly don't know how.

For once. Some better news. Today has been a markedly better day for me. It is of course relative. 

The morning was the usual horror. And at 3am last night, I was unwell, unspecific, I woke with a groan and many signals all going in the wrong direction. Got up. Peed. Went back to bed in a fug of sleep and unwellness. My insides fizzed.

I slept on my left side. Woke up at 6am with my entire left side ringing like a bell again, and for a switch, my right arm full of tingles.

My heart started skipping, body flushing, breathing increased. So thirsty. The effects of anxiety probably. Maybe. But who knows. Anxiety stalks up on me whether I want it or not. Its not conscious. Its not like I think of something and get worked up. The body response happens. And drags the rest of me with it. I know how this works. The cart before the horse. Like many such things. Depression does the same thing. The non conscious bit of you drags you with it. Bewildered. Trying to understand why you feel so shit. What the hell is going on. The physiological responses out of whack. The thinking part of you suddenly aware that you, are no longer in control.

2 anti anxieties and I slump back into sleep. 10am. The world feels like a horror. I drag myself out of bed to give Ares his two pills. The task feels like climbing Everest. Mind skittering, legs shaking, arms weak I focus on doing some chores. To help Hazel. I finish the washing up and have reached my limit. I retreat to bed. But I feel a tiny pride. I have achieved something. Not much. But something.

Midday. I get back up. Jumpy as hell. I eat. Everything fizzes but I put up with it. Hazel gets up and I give her some space for her psych appointment and go back to bed - but not to sleep this time. To do some work. First time I've tried some work in the day for a long while. I feel off, but I've had worse. Remarkably I stay up all day. A first in .... a week or more. But I am not pushing it. I also avoid meat. Noodles and vegetables. Despite the no meat. My insides fizz 45 minutes later. Ho hum. I thought my stomach was getting better. But it's an odd fizzing. I dont know. I think my ulcer has improved a lot. But theres still a lot going wrong in there. Just what I dont know. Perhaps the scans will show. The MRI is unlikely to. But maybe the CT scan next week will show. My left arm starts twitching of its own accord. A slow pulsing rhythm every few seconds. Twitches for 2 seconds. Stop for 1 second. Repeat. Over and over and over. Left hand side of face tingles. And I start to feel unwell. My body is a mess. But mentally I feel stronger today. No doubt talking to my friend about possible options beyond suicide has helped. Offers of help have also helped.

Hazel apologised for being so angry yesterday. I said I understood. It was unfair on her. I get it. She said it wasnt helpful what she did. Its understandable. I am disrupting her life. She has her own issues. She has helped me more than anyone else, I am thankful for it.

I even manage to squeeze a bit of gaming in this evening, at the cajoling of friends to join. It was great to play a game again and feel somewhat normal. Even if during playing I could feel the unwell creep over me. It is ruinous. I dont know. Perhaps my body just needs so much time to heal. I am old. I have noticed in the last few years I take longer to heal now. But this. I dont know. I think my body has been right to the edge. May still be at the edge. May be damaged. I dont know. Scans may tell. Time may tell. The direction of my health in 2020 does not bode well for a simple recovery.

But in any case. Today was a better day. A tough day tomorrow. Getting up and travelling at my worst point in the day. A 45 minute MRI. Prodding. Poking. A 20 minute CT scan - surely much better than the 45 minute MRI. I am not looking forward to being couped up in the coffin like MRI for 45 minutes. I am not claustrophobic. But MRIs sure do test me. A calm and relaxed mind is crucial. They have panic buttons installed for a reason. Switch off the mind. Float somewhere calm. Hilarious in my current mental state. We shall see.

But be positive. Today was a better day. Mentally if nothing else. May the worst be behind me. Famous last words I have said a hundred times when I feel a bit better and also before a scan that may reveal a number of lurking horrors. Mostly out of tomorrow I want to know if damage has been done to my brain - which may or may not show on the MRI, and also what the state of my arteries is. I am not expecting much else of the MRI, although it may show an aggravated pancreas or the like. As I write this, something around there is fizzing and trembling. Despite me having last eaten 6 hours ago. Odd.

Signing off. I will post an update tomorrow if I can about my experience with the scans, and, what the results are. Cross your fingers.