March 23rd

 Yesterday was.... ok... ish. For sure probably my best day in months. Face still tingles. Back crawls. Energy up and down. And last night at 4am I felt again particularly ill, but, not quite as ill as I have been.

I am eating better. I am sleeping... well, if not better, then a bit less miserably. I am hopeful but incredibly dubious that I might be slowly improving. I have had so many false dawns and crashing disappointments that once again, its formed a bit of a scar at this point. Yikes. But this time, I seem to be sustaining.. almost over 24 hours. But I have to be careful. Careful with what I eat, if its even a sniff of the wrong thing, or too much, then things start going sideways. I have to be careful with energy expenditure, how I sit, dont rush, yada yada yada. Fatigue and tiredness stalks me continually, and my eyes stubbornly black up over night. I've also started getting painful bumps / sores pop up here and there. Nothing super much to be worried about. But notable. But overall maybe there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I think the proper turning point will be a full 24 hours without any major symptoms. We shall see.

My mind has been ticking over with living arrangements. Unless I have a major change of heart, which I guess is always possible, I am now definitely set on moving. I don't think this is a passing thought or just an anxiety / misery fueled set of thinking. I suspect this is one of the things that will have changed over this whole horrible ordeal. This place needs to be tidied up, brought up to decorating spec a bit, and then sold. Or maybe rented out. I am not sure of the financials of the latter, but if possible it would be a good financial solution for me and a retirement fund - of which I currrently have nada. It would mean picking up a fat mortgage for a new place, but, eh, not really with a mind to pay it all off - just pay it whilst I am still working, then sell this house and pay it all off, in say, ooh, 10 years, if you see what I mean.

I am very aware that of course currently I am ill, and my energy levels are zero - so doing anything proactive around the house fixing up wise is out of the question, and of course, its ridiculous to think of doing anything yet when I am still struggling to get through a day intact without some major blip. But perhaps I will recover some strength and be able to do some stuff. And my mind is eager to jump ahead and do shit. I think I will definitely need to get some people in though, I somehow doubt I will recover fully in the short or mid term ( or maybe at all ). I've been reading up on post viral syndrome, exhaustion and the triggers for ME and the like. It seems that viruses - any virus, not just covid or long covid - can wipe you out for years in unfortunate cases, and they are not entirely sure why it does that. But rest and not going over your limit seems to be the recipe for slow recovery. My mind floats around the idea of having come down with a virus last year - everyone pretty much seems convinced of this, from GPs, to Harley Street, to Hospital - and then its effects have stretched throughout 2020 and reached a crisis at the end of the year, probably seriously not helped by oodles of stress and then a disastrous and complacent dose of drugs for a month and some serious neglect from the NHS. But who knows. Background heart issues as an exacerbating factor, or pre rumbles of MS are still on the table.

Of course, I still need to get the CT heart results back which will get as close as I have come to yet of confirming the heart situation one way or the other - and they could be bad. The fatty liver doesnt bode well for it. And today I am off to NNUH for a CT scan of my pancreas and surrounds. At least I hope it also does the surrounds. The doc said it would be a scan of the area, but the paperwork says pancreas. Uh huh. You never quite know with the NHS. Oh for everything to be like Harley Street.

My stomach et al is definitely improving. But is still far from right, and will tingle and zing and grumble from time to time. Sleeping on my left side is a. . . roulette wheel. Sometimes I can mostly get away with it. Other times I wake up with that side on fire internally, all the nerves fizzing. So dont sleep on my left side ? Yeah. Easier said than done after sleeping exclusively on your right side for 2 months.

My mentals are slowly improving, and the disastrous spikes of anxiety are fading mostly to tremors in the morning. I am avoiding taking the addictive anti anxieties - I havent felt like I have needed them since last Thursday. I am still however mentally fragile and very wary of anything new or responsibilities or appointments. The world is mostly scary to me at the moment. This is territory I am familiar with though. How life gets that bit harder down the bottom of the pit, or impossible at worst. I think however my trajectory is upwards. Which is good.

That I am thinking of the future and future plans is probably the most promising sign of all.