March 9th - Late

 Today has been a terrible day. Tried to do some work this morning through a haze of confused mind, numb left side of face, numb back, and bits not working. Couldnt keep going. Went back to bed. Heart would not quiet. Couldnt sleep. Couldnt get up, felt ill. Spent hours just counting each troubled heart beat, and feeling the prickles and tingles move inside me. Left side of face feels subtly more slack each day. 

Thought a lot about suicide again today. Come up with sleeping pills. I felt hopeful. Is that still a thing ? Resolved to look it up when I was more lucid. A solemn calmness has stole over me. I didnt really get out of bed today. I staggered to the kitchen to feed the dogs, get water - always thirsty, difficult to swallow at times - and went back to bed.

Got up v late afternoon. Realised I had to eat. I am still not eating enough. No appetite. No care.

Quietly researched suicide methods. Harder than you think. Links to Samaritans. NHS. Information is removed. Pills are apparently not good. They're safer these days. Harder to use for suicide. Back to square one. I saw the nitrogen / helium bag method. I have seen that in the past. Sometimes combined with sleeping pills. It says its painless and quick. It seems scary. Dont think I can do that. I searched for assisted suicide UK. Illegal of course. Advise to doctors who get asked about it. I have been a staunch defender of no euthanasia in the past - because of my belief that eventually it would be used by those in power to remove those without power, as do all systems corrupt. But now I am here. Desperately wanting it. And realise that in defending against misuse I consign people to suffering instead. With no decent way out. I am suffering. I want it to end. I wish someone could help me.

I am somewhat more human again this evening. But not much. Way less than yesterday. And I am very quiet.I can feel my heart thumping. Too much. And the tingles roam. I twitch with some of the pains. Like someone sticking me with electricity once in a while. All to the background of screeching tinnitus from my left ear. Fucked from last February.

Off to bed soon. To watch some TV and properly sleep hopefully. The morning will no doubt again be horrifying and I will spend most of the day suffering. Perhaps not. Perhaps today was my last bad day.

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