15th April

 Kind of a busy day yesterday, and concordantly I felt the worst I have in some time. The vague illness returned, tingles upped in strength and area - face crawled - fatigued, some chest pains and stabs of other pains. Uh huh. I just ignored it for the most part, but did end up going to bed early. I am still not entirely convinced my days on this earth are not short in number. At least now, for the most part, I am not suffering with it. Too much.

So yesterday had the cleaners in to give the place a spring clean. Ha. They did a good job, cleaned most of the downstairs areas. My eating schedule and everything else yesterday was then out of whack. And putting on a social face and dealing with them.

In the afternoon took Hazel to the docs again. Not getting into details but it was an upsetting visit for Hazel. I waited in the car for her for 45 minutes, she came back in tears. Docs not listening to her. In pain. Refusing to undo something they already did. Why not wait a bit and suffer more ? We'll arrange an urgent scan. Ha. Urgent. Ha ha ha ha ha. I know myself what the NHS means by urgent. It means, if you haven't died within the next month, we might do something. I offered one single dark ironic ha, when Hazel mentioned the urgent scan. I know she says. We know what that means.

I had just this morning darkly muttered about how the NHS, and the GPs in particular were no longer fit for purpose. Not doing their fucking jobs was I believe some of my exact words, echoing the exact same thing the Harley Street doc said. Which seemed horribly apt in that moment. The reason I had cause to once again voice my heated concerns about the NHS was....

4 months after my GP asking for an *urgent* ( ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ) neural referral, I got a phone call, oh, we see you have a neural referral, we can do a telephone appointment next week.

Well, lah de fucking dah. 4 months in. Phone call. Dont fucking strain yourselves. I considered cancelling it seeing as I had been to Harley Street for an MRI, but then realised that the NHS *still* didnt know those results - spots on the brain - because no one has deigned to see me yet - and there were potential neural problems that needed to be monitored and neurology would be the people to do it. Also it might be a nice opportunity to ask the fucks if they had a) seen spots on my brain a few years ago and ignored it and not told me b) missed it c) they weren't there. Although at this point, after having been mostly dismissed by them earlier in 2020 ( a clear mistake as it turns out ) and then waiting around for four months to even get to talk to them on the phone, I am highly dubious they will be in a position to do shit all, even if they can be bothered.

The NHS. Honestly. If you're ill, you better damn hope you don't have to rely on them. They're as liable to give you a call back 4 weeks after you're in your grave, or just treat you with contempt as they are to actually do shit. Whilst deeply darkly ironically simultaneously showing you ads on TV of the importance of getting a problem sorted early and visiting the NHS - it's easier to deal with if its caught early. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. Maybe you should have a word with your useless twat fuck up selves then eh ? A fucking joke. And not a funny one. Of course some of their responses are good ( high fives to the stroke team who after an urgent referral talked to me within 2 days - hooray ). But. It starts to get really hard to justify their service when you get some bits of excellence and a large tub of shit.

And then on the back end of that day, Hazel ends up in tears... at the hands of a GP.

Fan - fucking - tastic.

Clap for the fucking NHS. Oh how I despise that clap for the fucking NHS now. I seethe when I remember it or it gets mentioned.

Wankers*. ( * with due apologies to the stars in the NHS trying their very best swimming in the shit hole ).

Oh, *whine*, but its covid, *whine*. Yeah. Fuck off. They were shittastic *before* covid. Covid just gives them a handy dandy excuse to double down on their bullshit. Oh *whine* but they need more funding *whine*. Yeah. You're right. An annual salary of 100k a year for a GP is an outrage. Poor loves can hardly feed themselves. Wont someone think of the profits they split at year end. How will they afford their fancy cars ?? *rolls eyes*. Absolutely no doubt some staff are rushed off their feet, stressed to the eyeballs, underpaid and flaking out hardcore. And for them I have the greatest respect. But for others. Eh. Yeah. Slack. I suspect the NHS is made up of that mix of employees you get everywhere - the stars that try hard, do lots of things, and struggle against the mediocrity complacence of their fellows, and then you get the jobsworths that punch in, do the minimum and punch out or just the downright incompetent. Shielded by the herd and wobbling on a line of getting their arses kicked out.

And the thing is. Everyone I talk to ends up giving me a similar horror story of their own to do with GPs or the NHS ( *before* covid ). It's far from just me. The rot has well and truly set in the health service.

Anyway. Call it what you will. I took a step back healthwise yesterday. Not cool in itself. Ho hum. Let us hope it was a one off aberration, and a reminder I need to be careful with what I do.

I went out to the pharmacy after taking Hazel back home to pick up some meds for her. I didn't feel super, but felt it was important to get her what she needed. Pushing. Pushing.

I have a definite bee in my bonnet about the standard of care our oh so fucking lauded NHS doles out. I am not sure yet where this will take me. Perhaps it will just fizzle out in time. Perhaps not. It will certainly leave me with a very bad taste in my mouth, and a super critic of what they do - most of all GPs. I dont think I can look at a GP the same way again. I certainly dont trust them to put my care above profit. And now that I understand the nature of their franchise model, and the decisions they make, my respect for them is just about zero. Again, I 100% believe in a socialised health care system. But it has to actually work. You can't just throw billions in money at such a system and then have it sit there like a useless fucking lump. The old British Railways end of life springs to mind. Sucking up money. Offering a shit service with limp sandwiches. Oh, so privatise it ! Yeah. Same tune, different shit. You end up being price gouged AND a shit service. Yay.

As it is at the moment I trust private healthcare to actually give me a fair shake. If they dont, I take my money elsewhere. They know that. I know that. You know what I get with private healthcare ? I get treated like a person. I get treated with care. Listened to. I get timely advice. I get the scans and diagnoses that should be done. I get apologies for a delay of 2 days. I get treated with respect. I get great bedside manner in my healthcare and am made to feel like I am not a piece of garbage on the floor. The NHS ? Not so much. I get treated like I'm another problem. Like I'm a chunk of meat. Like I can wait, or not be seen at all, just please die already and go away. I get treated at best like cattle, patronised, bad bedside manner and that I'm probably not worthy. Forgotten. Mishandled. And like fuck will you get an apology. The NHS, a bit like the BBC, I have no choice but to pay for fucking something like Eldorado, a universally panned show that I have no interest in, never watched and was a disaster. But dont worry. You're helping them be independent. To independently make shit. That you're not interested in. But they expect you to pay for. Fab. So glad to be forced at gun point to be part of that.

Do I want our healthcare privatised ? Hell fucking no. I want a socialised all in it together universal health care service that looks after all of us. A sign of a civilised society imho. But it has to *work*. Having a dysfunctional health service helps none of us - including the health service itself. At the very least it is a threat to itself as it allows the greedy voices that would like to see a privatised health system in place to start making money from that cash cow a more compelling point that "socialised health care doesn't work". And at worst its allowing people to suffer, even die, due to a horror of a fucked up system. I also very firmly believe it's not just a case of throwing more suitcases stuffed with cash at the NHS. Throwing away good money after bad. There is copious amounts of money in the NHS if you look. *cough* GPs *cough*. Could the NHS do with more funding in areas ? Very likely. Could it do with less in some areas ? Probably. Could it do with being better managed, disassembling the petty little fiefdoms, tackling the egos and infighting, of bringing it all to heel and standards up ? Oh hell yes. That for me is your core problem. Not money so much. But tackling the ingrained culture inside the NHS. Battling egos. The little fiefdoms of poorly joined up areas. Disappearing down the cracks in between. No one looking out for your general holistic care. Poor standards. Little oversight. Meh.

And this is the sad reality. If you cannot get that socialised health care system working. Then it needs to die. Limping along with a cash devouring system that doesn't work is the worst case scenario. Where you go from there, I have no clue. Dark places probably.

Feeling better today. And as I feel better. I am angry as fuck.