18th April

 Another semi iffy day yesterday.

I struggled at times to keep going. Took the dogs out for a short walk. It didn't exactly wipe me out, but the change was notable. Even before I had set out, after wrestling wiggling dogs into gear, I had started to feel ill. Short walk through largely gritted teeth. Came back, mind had started to stutter. Tingles were up significantly.

What the hell is wrong with me.

The rest of the day I limped along feeling half unwell, half exhausted. Played some Valheim, during periods of that got to within touching distance of feeling normal, but, I couldn't maintain it. Dipped in. Dipped out. Said to Hazel I might have an early night - 7pm. But ended up getting back up at 9.30pm ish and jumping on Valheim for a few hours.

Tingles were worse yesterday than they've been in a while. Still copable with. But. Wrong direction of recovery.

This morning I was awake at 6am. Way too short of a sleep. But my brain was on. The rest of my body kicked in behind it. No, no, no. I got up, zombied out for 10 minutes, resolved to head back to bed and sleep. A fruitless task. So I medicated up. Took some anti anxieties and a paracetamol. Not because I was anxious but because the anti anxieties sloowwwww you down. And so far my experience has been.. they let me sleep. They force my brain down a notch.

As it turns out they returned me to sleep for the next 5 hours. Which felt a good deal more restful.

10 minutes after getting up, the faintest of tingles creeps around my left eye. And a weird prickling sensation walks across my back.

Ho hum.

But I dont feel ill. At the moment. Tired, tired, tired. But not ill. My eyes stubbornly remain blacked. Better than they have been. But blacked up. I have had them for so long I think my skin condition in the area has suffered. Some blotches of discolouration. Meh. Night of the living dead.

My mood is not cheery. My brain has decided that there's a good chance I'm just marking time until the plug is finally pulled. An unresolved, undiagnosed deeper issue that obviously given time in its unresolved state will finally do for me. I guess it comes down to whether you're an optimist or a pessimist. Hard to be optimistic when I am taking tiny steps backwards healthwise.

Marathon not a sprint. Marathon. Not a sprint.

Sigh.

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